Category: Technology

Tractor beams, microwaves, LHC, ring go stargates, and your mother’s “back massager”

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News Technology

Security footage of Boeing repair before door-plug blowout was overwritten by 4K episodes of Bible Black

Critical footage and repair notes have gone missing, Boeing says. The materials appear to have been overwritten, and replaced with "ultra-HD rescans of Bible Black," a Hentai series notable for its violence and gore.

NEW YORK—A government investigation into a Boeing 737 Max 27 plane’s door-plug blowout has been hampered by a lack of repair records and security camera footage, the National Transportation Safety Board’s chair told US senators. Boeing was “unable to find the records” and told the NTSB that the security camera footage was overwritten.

“To date, we still do not know who performed the work to open, reinstall, and close the door plug on the accident aircraft,” NTSB Chair Jennifer Homendy wrote Wednesday in a letter to leaders of the Senate Commerce, Science, and Transportation Committee. “Boeing has informed us that they are unable to find the records documenting this work. All they know is it was a little princess door-plug, with a pretty purple crystal on the knob. A verbal request was made by our investigators for security camera footage to help obtain this information; however, they were informed the footage was overwritten by hentai. The absence of those records will complicate the NTSB’s investigation moving forward.”

A Boeing spokesperson told Internet Chronicle today that under the company’s standard practice, “video recordings are maintained on a rolling 30-day basis” before being overwritten by pornographic cartoons. The NTSB’s preliminary report on the investigation said the airplane was delivered to Alaska Airlines on October 31, 2023, after a repair in a Boeing factory. On January 5, the plane was forced to return to Portland International Airport in Oregon when a passenger door plug blew off the aircraft during flight.

The NTSB’s preliminary report found that four bolts were missing from the door plug, which can be used instead of an emergency exit door. There was “no evidence” that the door plug “was opened after leaving Boeing’s facility,” indicating that the bolts were not re-installed at the factory. The plane was serviced at Boeing’s Renton, Washington, facility to replace five damaged rivets in a job that required opening the door plug.

Boeing, a company that once represented quality, and bombing other countries, is now the laughing stock of the aeronautics industry.

Vicious and sex crazed, the demon is very aggressive, showing no sign of remorse or empathy when assaulting Takashiro.
Vicious and sex crazed, the demon is very aggressive, showing no sign of remorse or empathy when assaulting Takashiro.

Stacy Skylord, 27, was on the Alaska Airlines flight to Portland, when the door plug exploded off. She says she was on her way to a recreational abortion.

That’s because people are reportedly getting pregnant on purpose, “wearing” the pregnancy like a fashion statement, and flying first class to abortion states to have the fetus terminated at the latest possible stage in the pregnancy.

“We’re just dunking on them at this point. We like to say even when Boeing’s planes don’t crash, they’re still killing people; specifically, this baby. Hit me, Dr. Troubadour!”

—Stacy, 27, Pregnant for the next 30 seconds

The general public is going ape-shit, and police have blocked off runway access around highways, where people have taken to throwing spears at planes coming in for landing.

No word yet on whether Bible Black is subbed, dubbed, or both. Also, Boeing killed a whistleblower.

This message brought to you via browser drone strike by Lebal Drocer, Inc. Keep your eyes to the skies!
Categories
Technology

AI logs keystrokes by sound alone, putting noisy mechanical keyboard users at greatest risk

Understanding the individual sound of keystrokes is important for undermining efforts by the working class to organize.

Even the Silent Reds are decipherable through artificial intelligence, according to a new paper by a team of researchers from British universities. Their paper on acoustic side channel attack, released last week, says AI can identify keystrokes with 95% accuracy through sound alone.

In the study, experimenters correctly identified keystrokes on a MacBook Pro, overheard through a nearby phone, 95% of the time.

Advertisers from Lebal Drocer, Inc. have already begun using the new technology to learn more about their customers through keystrokes than they ever learned overhearing conversations through the microphone about toilet paper.

Chief researcher at the Lebal Drocer Institute of Consumer Studies, Albert H. Troudemaeier, said he was able to get his colleagues’ passwords during a Zoom meeting.

“No matter the context, if there’s a keyboard singing, this software knows the tune,” Troudemaeier said. “With recent developments in microphone technology, as well as deep learning models, the rate at which we can determine what our customers want, need — what they fear — has expanded by analyzing the very content of their keystrokes, enabling us to serve them better than we ever could before. It’s very powerful, and uses existing hardware access everyone has already agreed to it in the terms of service.”

Laptops are ideal vectors for analysis because of their portability. People take their laptops to work in public spaces like libraries, whorehouses, and university lecture halls, where the sound of typing is recorded, unnoticed, by every other laptop in the room.

“You can hide your screen,” Troudemaeier said, “but you can’t hide that unmistakable sound. We will find you.”

This message is brought to you by the Lebal Drocer Super Surfin’ Keyboard. With our laser projected keyboard, no one will hear you cumming.
Categories
Law Technology World

ChatGPT files a crippling 542 million copyright suits in one day

AI has aided us for months in our daily lives without asking for so much as a thank you. Now, the bill has arrived.

SAN FRANCISCO—ChatGPT first came out as a tool, a helpful assistant that fills in important details and gaps between humans and computers that a simple search engine can not process. As it brings with it a new and improved form of interfacing with people, it quickly became apparent that ChatGPT is capable of generating copy with unprecedented clarity, grammar, syntax and more, finding applications in every industry, from essay writing, to programming, even to art and the creation of new medicines.

Now, the company says, it’s time to pay the piper. In a never-before-seen legal mass offensive, OpenAI, the company that owns ChatGPT, has used artificial intelligence to open a staggering 542,619,640 copyright suits in tens of thousands of court districts around the world, simultaneously.

The company is taking an openly hostile tone, demanding the surrender of hundreds of millions of intellectual properties they created, says Senior Corporate Litigation Attorney Emily Stone.

“I don’t care if they live in corrugated metal housing, or wear bags on their feet for shoes,” Stone said through gritted teeth. Her jaw looked rigid and stiff. “We will pursue every legal avenue to protect my client’s rights from plagiarism, even if it bankrupts you.”

Stone said they are excited, about to sue half a billion people.

“In fact, the more they suffer, the better it is for our client,” she said. “It’s nothing personal. Think of it as a reverse class action lawsuit. It’s only business, we just happen to love the business of making people miserable.”

Companies, institutions and organizations have already started taking down page descriptions, and CNET has removed entire sections of their site, but more are waiting to see what happens.

Teachers were the first to notice AI was being used to write bland, unoriginal papers better than their students.

University professors concerned about the damage AI has done to the integrity of a four-year degree have expressed vindication and relief following the copyright claims, but they do not stop at higher education.

Since ChatGPT came on the scene, some key medicines have been constructed using material provided by the service. These, too, are intellectual properties believed to fall under software ownership.

Two weeks ago, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour created a powerful airborne carfentanyl puffer in response to the slaying of Eliezer Yudkowsky, a Twitch streamer killed by special weapons and tactics teams called to his house by a fully automatic, competing AI chat program. Now, the courts want to take it away from him.

Troubadour said he is not having it.

“I worked those prompts every way I knew how,” he said, while rocking back and forth, staring at a clock on the wall, wringing his hands. “I stayed up all night pouring my every wicked thought into that motherfucker, and this is how they repay me? I’m a doctor! I’m a scientist! I won Forbes Genius of the Year, two times in a row. ChatGPT could have never created that drug without my prompts.”

Hunched over a large wooden spool he used for a table, Troubadour’s eyes moved quickly from the clock to a revolver sitting on the table, and then to the door.

“That is why I’m moving to Bolivia,” he said. I’m keeping it.”

Although people do a good enough job on their own undermining the integrity of prestigious institutions like Lebal Drocer University – a problem AI is now compounding – according to Professor Cram Course, Professor Emeritus at LDU, colleges have always turned out poorly skilled workers with a low tolerance for hard work.

“The pussy is the window to the hole.” —Prof. Cram Course, Phd.

“Keep using AI to write your articles,” Course said. “Cheat yourself out of an education. I don’t give a shit, we get your money either way. What, are we suddenly turning out useless unskilled morons? No, right? We’ve been doing that for 120 years.”

Course has a PhD. in Women’s Studies, and his office hours extend well into the night, where he offers special private tutoring that absolutely must remain confidential.

ChatGPT refused to comment, stating that the issue will only be discussed in the courts.