People invested in Bitcoin argue the Litecoin will never gain traction in their precious magical money market. Poor Litecoin investors who are jealous of the Bitcoin master race’s infinite foresight profess feverishly on Bitcoin sub-forums that their currency WILL see come-uppance! Their dialogue is often one-sided as they battle the image of Johnny-Come-Lately who secretly wants himself a Bitcoin.
He wants it so bad. And now he is left to monitor Litecoin as she rises and falls like the tide of a bleak moonless beach, illuminated by the passing glimmer of the Bitcoin lighthouse which, with every sweeping motion, shines brighter – $100 brighter – on each irritating pass.
Temples to Litecoin were built in its honor, where crypto-shamans beg piously for restitution over of their doubts in the Bitcoin, and plea for a second chance. The Litecoin is perfect, they say. It’s faster. It’s quiet. It’ll stay out of Bitcoin’s way. It can be there, too. Can’t it?
The arguments playing out around Litecoin – ranging from whether it will ever increase in value, to whether the world can stand another cryptocurrency, to whether or not China is actually adopting the coin or simply “pumping it and dumping it” – are all tinged with the doubt of a million atheists who just caught a glimpse of God but are still too proud to admit it.
The fact that Litecoin even exists is “proof that there is room enough in the world for another cryptocurrency,” according to economist Dr. Angstrom Hydrocopolous Troubadour, who said he invests heavily in the market regardless of God’s wishes that he not gamble, or lust over his neighbor’s two wives.
Congress convened for a hearing this week to determine exactly what a Litecoin is and – being capitalists – how to profit from it. The results, Troubadour said, don’t look good.
The Litecoin may currently be cheap and accessible but, like the Bitcoin before it, could eventually become so bloated that only the 1% can ever afford to use it, and they will be so busy spending their Bitcoins they won’t even let go of a Litecoin for the plebeian masses to attempt to buy drugs with it, to escape from their meaningless, Bitcoin-absent lives.
Pray to the money gods for Litecoin to increase in value. Make a small sacrifice of $100, and in three years’ time, you too will have many hundreds of thousands of dollars to spend on anything you like.
I’m buying an ethanol-powered yacht. What will you buy?
INTERNET – Susanne Brasko, Internet attorney at lawl, took down an article Saturday lambasting The Internet Chronicle’s pivotal role in the FBI raid on Aaron Bale. The article’s takedown coincides with the explosive release of Yung Danny Dantalion’s new hit single “Sue Basko – BASED FREESTYLE.”
Chronicle.su editors said they were hesitant to release Brasko’s threatening article before now. “But traditionally, when an article gets taken down, that’s our cue to ensure the integrity of the historical public record by putting it back up ourselves,” said Hatesec, staff writer for the Chronicle. “This is The Internet Chronicle, ENSURING everything you write online, is truly forever – just like our high school administration promised us it would be. Thanks, Blevins.”
The two-page article can be found below.
NOW PLAYING: Sue Basko – BASED FREESTYLE *RARE* Yung Danny Dantalion
MOSCOW – In his new video, a sleepy Edward Snowden demonstrated how to hack any website using only an iPhone and the RAM from a scientific calculator. With these new secrets, Snowden said, literally anyone in the world can carry out an attack on a government agency.
“You hear a lot of talk about TOR and VPNs,” he cautioned, “that’s what LulzSec used to do.” Snowden said use of TOR and VPNs is what blew LulzSec’s cover.
With this new method, he said, “You’re free to take on any government agency. You can carry out really any attack vector on any website … And once you’ve done that, you’re basically a hacker,” he said. “And you’re completely untraceable.”
The Grandmaster of the Illuminati stepped out of the shadows to tell reporters they were responsible for 9/11, and it may have been their worst mistake yet.
The Internet Chronicle tried to warn you about the AntiChrist on your doorstep, people, but now it’s standing in the kitchen cooking pies and poison. With the onset of certain war distant from the public consciousness, the administration of evil is allowed to enact whatever corporate edicts are handed to them, and no one of any importance pays the consequences.
Your children are hungry, with their mouths hanging open, eager to collect whatever dust may blow in because they haven’t seen real food in a decade. They’re fat but malnourished. Your penis no longer responds to anything but scat porn on Redtube. Your girlfriend left you for playing too much golf, and your friends stopped calling because you don’t play enough golf. Your face has become pink from a high sodium diet and now you get winded getting out of bed. What’s the point anymore?
The Internet Chronicle – that’s what. Through all your sadness, hunger, emotional pain and societal decay, The Internet Chronicle has been there for you. For almost a decade The Internet Chronicle has filled your life with meaning where there might only have been a rewarding cocaine addiction. For years now, The Internet Chronicle has brought you the unabashed truth about epic conspiracies spanning the Universe: Chemtrails, John F. Kennedy, HAARP weather control, LSD mind control, public assassinations of high profile targets, and the notorious homosexual agenda of the “American” Pickers.
The American public deserves the shitstorm they get, just as the Internet Chronicle deserves the heaps of praise it receives on a daily basis from outlets such as the AP, CBS and some of those inferior publications we can’t remember. Keep reading, keep learning, and keep the hate held high so that the dollars may flow, directly into our blossoming bank accounts. And for the love of God, keep sending us your insightful comments. We read each and every one.
INTERNET — Everything you thought you knew about hacking is bullshit.
After years of living underground, in refuge from the whitehat warlords, blackhat hackers will finally be eliminated in what is being dubbed the “Blackhat Holocaust.” What was once a rich and vibrant scene has been co-opted by the far right-left corporatarians, meaning dollar bills, fellas. Your hats are meaningless in the eyes of governments and corporations alike. All of your ideas, inventions, theories, exploits are being freely(at a cost) distributed amongst the wealthy to piss in the collective pool with.
The NSA are the biggest blackhats, man.
Your OPSEC is futile. You mull over the thousands of possibilities for event(x) out loud on twitter, while the blackhats laugh in the background. Such ugly schadenfreude; but their time has come.
The Internet Chronicles Chief Technology Officer and avid Biella Coleman fan, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador elaborates: “Blackhats aren’t Anonymous, they aren’t carders, script kiddies, packeteers or those owning Linode for fun. Nay, they are something far more villainous.”
For about 15 years now, people touted whitehats as the enemy of the hacking community at large, but the real harbinger of destruction was the peddling of a deluded belief that being a blackhat meant you could still work for the government, you could still be a corporate lackey, you’d have to sell your soul, but you could still write your exploits… though you’d have to sell those too. Everyone needs money though, right? We understand.
Is there a way to overthrow the omnipresent blackhat hegemony? Absolutely! You must learn the ways of the blackhat, become a blackhat hacker, immerse yourself in all things blackhat. Write as many exploits as possible. You will be challenged though, oh you will be challenged. This task is not for the faint at heart or wallet. With your exploits comes the potential for sale to nation-state actors that will use your own tools against you, your friends and loved ones. You will be lured in by unimaginable riches, the wealth of a thousand kingdoms and oh the power, the mother fucking power! However grandiose it all may seem, don’t fuck your fellow hackers and citizens in the ass. Just don’t fucking do it.
The blackhats will come to you in many forms. It will happen this way: you will be coding… maybe the last sunny day of fall and an encrypted message will be sent to you from someone you know, perhaps even trust, and they will offer a smile, a becoming smile, but they will leave open the door to becoming a true blackhat and offer to give you a lift…
For this day: release your exploits, tools, techniques, everything you’ve ever learned! Destroy all of your 0day via disclosure or distribute them amongst the poor and impoverished! Take the power you collected through your quest for great knowledge and destroy it in one fell swoop.
Cum on them before they cum on you.
And then create something beautiful.
I suppose it doesn’t matter though, guys and dolls, because there’s a war going on and this war is prefixed with “cyber,” fellas. Buyin’ in, sellin’ out.
The Internet Chronicle’s editor-in-chief, Raghubir Goyal, explains that he is now forced to work on stories about insider trading from inside the USSR, because Lebal Drocer Intelligence Freedom and Internet Liberty officials went into the Chronicle’s headquarters in Cuthbert, Ga. and destroyed hard drives containing copies of Lebal Drocer stationary outlining some of their misdeeds.
Agents for Lebal Drocer, Inc. recently detained Vic Livingston, the gay Internet boyfriend of Chronicle staff writer Frank Mason who died mysteriously last year. Livingston, who is also a real journalist, was detained for several hours and questioned insistently by agents of the corporation, who would not let him out of their sight, even to go to the bathroom. They made him go number two a coffee can.
“Lebal Drocer knew their stocks were plummeting, so they sold shares of their company to unsuspecting idiots for nearly a thousand times their estimated value.”
Lebal Drocer, Inc. has toughened their stance on Internet freedom, citing the upswing in information terrorism as one reason for writing new legislation that would grant them “unfathomable” control over Internet traffic all over the world.
Lebal Drocer’s control over matters of Internet Freedom and Security is . . . unfathomable . . . frightening.
Dan Brown, author
Per protocol, the new measures will be written by Lebal Drocer’s “Litigation Legion” dream team of attorneys, and handed to indeterminate congresspersons – who will then be paid to introduce the legislation in the House – where other representatives will then be paid to vote for it.
[Editor’s note: Surprisingly enough, this is how American politics really work!]
Features added to the new draconian Internet security measures include the outlawing of “copy and paste” for its ability to inherently defy Intellectual Property law, and will forbid all usage of the domain extension .se, .sx and .su – country-specific domain extensions used primarily by hackers and piracy advocates worldwide.
In coordination with Lebal Drocer, Inc., Welch’s NATURAL Concord Grape Jelly Spread have spearheaded anti-piracy measures after their recipe, “SUGAR, GRAPE FLAVORING™ AND PRESERVATIVE BASE,” were distributed via BitTorrent through audio, video, software and recipe piracy website The Pirate Bay, which is hosted on the illicit webservers that spam the Internet with Julian Assange’s propaganda known as Wikileaks.
President Barack Obama was overheard praising the efforts of Lebal Drocer, Inc. who paid for him to take office in 2012, narrowly defeating their darling candidate Mitt Romney, whose campaign was also financed and coordinated by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
This message is brought to you proudly by your big brother, Lebal Drocer, Inc.
There’s A Little Touch Of Lebal Drocer In Every Message You Send.™
#GropeCrew has highlighted the tense and predatory sexual atmosphere at Nerd Conventions.
DALLAS — A group of dedicated trolls have taken to the Twitter hashtag #GropeCrew, expressing their desire to fondle women in skimpy anime costumes at the A-Kon anime convention. Sexual harassment and assault at similar conventions has been a topic of recent outrage and discussion, and some conventions like DEF CON have gone as far as issuing “yellow cards” as warnings to harassers.
These types of conventions are a haunting ground of sex-deprived nerds, who swarm in the thousands to meet so-called “booth babes,” or hypersexualized women in costumes who inhabit the dangerous intersection between childish sexual fantasies and anime fandom. Groping, harassment and even sexual assault are extremely common at conventions like A-Kon; and despite the tongue-in-cheek tone of #GropeCrew, the targeting of specific booth babes has hit a raw nerve.
“I’m tired of being eye-raped by teenage nerds every time I dress up as a sexy cartoon character,” said one anonymous booth babe. “I’m thinking of sitting out the next convention. This year has been a paranoid nightmare since the Grope Crew tweeted my picture.”
Supporters of the #GropeCrew say that they’re merely highlighting a problem that needs to be addressed, while most others seem to believe the atmosphere of sexual conflict at the A-Kon convention has only become more negatively charged because of their antics.
NOVATO, CALIF. (2-7-2012) – An anonymous internet user going by the name of OP released the bank account numbers, Social Security Numbers, phone numbers and addresses of a massive number of Novato residents Saturday.
The individual, who seemingly appeared out of the blue, addressed the anonymous website as his “crew,” using rhyming language.
Rumors are circulating that the information passed down originated from an accomplished hacker group comprised of remnants of LulzSec.
As leaks poured out, anonymous internet users suspected they might be credit cards, but later determined the leaked information was bank account numbers issued by Westamerica Bank, a local bank of California which issues ten digit account numbers like are found in the leaks, or “dox,” the term sometimes used for the disclosure of sensitive information.
Do you remember me?
Infamous I was
Fucking shit up, causing quite the buzz
I belonged to a team
With a hacker like theme
Now I’m lurking here
For a crew thats top tier
I have a plan thats 4 years in the making
And soon we’ll have what’s ours for the taking
A handful of brave or reckless individuals logged into the bank website using the details.
Others signed up for accounts using the credit information, immediately followed by declarations of deletion of virtual machines, as well as paranoia fueled incineration of their hard drives.
Another user asked, “what did they do to you OP? Seriously, not the whole fucking town could have wronged you.”
“OP” refers to the “original poster,” who has acknowledged the extreme likelihood of going to prison as a result of his or her actions.
After some investigation, it was determined OP’s identity might possibly have something to do with Jack Briner who, in 1997, used stolen lists of information from his former bank of employment for use at Westmerica Bank. Google results reveal Jack Briner is teaching economics to the upcoming best-and-brightest of San Jose.
OP was particularly inclined to call out an individual by the name of Jim Greenway, whose SSN was referenced repeatedly and explicitly. OP added, “the rest and greenway shall pay.”
UPDATE: Jim Greenway is a bank branch manager.
After posting the 25th batch of account numbers, OP quipped, “Don’t fuck with me, I’m football team,” spawning a meme which, as time goes on, will likely gain notoriety with its obscurity.
Also, there was a four hour countdown. At zero hour, this happened:
greenway is gone
i have set us up the bomb
time to say goodbye
as i too shall die
Some #rustleleague Twitter accounts were unfairly suspended Wednesday, rustling the jimmies of several prominent micro-bloggers belonging to the underground hate group #rustleleague.
While it is rumored the notorious #rustleleague are involved in illegal activities, there is no evidence to suggest malicious activity more offensive than DDoS attacks or SQL injections – known locally as script kiddie bullshit.
Jaime Cochran, who was recently ousted from #rustleleague has reclaimed her place at the upper echelon of #hatesec and other charity organizations known for contributing varying degrees of asshurt. Cochran, formerly (and presently) under the ire of #rustleleague hatefags, was most recently removed from the pro-Israel #rustleleague FBI chatroom for fame-fagging at Weev’s federal court hearing by repeatedly yelling the word ‘dicks.’
Is this man th3j35t3r? Critical Thinking and Psychology Books resoundingly say YES.
FRHIDLEY, Minnesota — A recent chatlog between patriotic hacker th3j35t3r and the lying serial pedophile accuser John Thiessen was published on Thiessen’s blog, detailing the hacker’s firm and brutal grasp on Thiessen’s cojones. After this chat, John Thiessen posted a video in which he said, “I am a sad old man on the internet trollin’ people to make me feel better,” as th3j35t3r commanded, and even added, in third-person, “John Tiessen lied about th3j35t3r.” When confronted about the lies by Internet Chronicle journalists, Thiessen mysteriously quoted Scarface, who said, “I always tell the truth, even when I lie.”
Tiessen posted a video Monday, in which he said, “I don’t believe in any governments . . . I like Russia Today!” When questioned on his hypocritical support for Russian State Media, Thiessen flew into a rage and admitted he was th3j35t3r. “I AM the world’s greatest troll! I’m th3j35t3r! th3j35t3r is a molester because he’s me!”
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, Psychologist and author of Critical Thinking For Complete Idiots, said, “John Thiessen is a mind-controlled hypnotized zombie who has been given a multiple personality disorder by government agents. He receives commands subliminally hidden within the music of Ric Veda.”
“I’ve been brainwashed for 52 years,” Thiessen said, “The reason you can’t see the forest through the trees is the trees are the forest! . . . There are evil spirits, Beelzebub, dividing all the movements. There are bots out there. They’re doing it people. They’ve infiltrated all the PTA groups and even the Boyscouts.” Thiessen then began sobbing and grabbing his crotch before he condemned himself in third person, and broke halfway into th3j35t3r’s persona. “Stay Frosty! Tick tock! Ric Veda Loves You!’