hatesec you’ve got some trollsplaining to do
HAMBURG, Germany — While the world watched in amazement at the “Hell-in-a-cell” twitter-war between bitter rivals The Tor Project and Pando Daily, a humble researcher named Jacob Appelbalm gave a presentation at the Chaos Computer Clubs’ 31st Congressional hearing, in which the following years Internet agenda was drafted. Appelbalm, most known for his truly original and extraordinary MD5 hash-collision research and his Tor outreach, gave a rousing speech to a crowd of hackers being sslstripped. While Appelbalm and his colleagues work closely with Der Spielgel newspaper in Germany, which is world famous for dropping doxx on the NSA, he pivoted from his usual pandering and pointed to a new enemy within: the Glorious and Infallible Internet Chronicle.
Furious that he didn’t get exclusive Snowden deetz that the Internet Chronicle got, Jacob derided the news outlets ethics saying “The Internet Chronicle pretty much lets anything pass as journalism these days, it’s like they just type shit, don’t redact, don’t hold back documents for 3 years and just don’t give a damn if an article shits the closet.” The crowd cheered as the charismatic man on stage urinated in their ears, “These are the kind of people that I would ass-fuck with a chainsaw.”
Relenting for a moment as the crowds’ tears of joyous manipulation diminished into simpering sobs, he continued “However, from documents that have been gleaned over with a fine tooth comb by everyone here in Germany, it is unfortunate to note that the Internet Chronicle is a real site.” After a few minutes of diddling with his Mac, a slide appeared with a screenshot of http://www.scamadviser.com/is-chronicle.su-a-fake-site.html revealing our trustworthiness.
In closing, Appelbalm rabbled the crowd once again with images of revolution, stating: “These are just the times we live in, we’re going to have to accept the fact that our block-lists will be long and sycophants wide. That’s just the way the Berlin Wall crumbles, y’all.”
You chronicle.su FUCKS have gone too far. Several imageboard communities have gotten together to talk about the hateful piece of shit editors running the shit-show you faggots refer to as the Internet Chronicle. Take the Ian Watkins article down now.
We have stood by, and patiently spammed your comments section for what’s felt like a life sentence waiting for you to remove the Ian Watkins article.
Nothing has worked.
I even abused the Digital Millennium Copyright Act form to have you harassed and cajoled into removing this copyright-violating “satire.”
And now, it’s time for your piece of shit website to die. I’ll have you know I just personally issued the Denial-of-Service attack command to my personal army of sycophants. They believed me when I cried rape, and they’ll believe me when I say Ian Watkins was the greatest performer to have ever come out of Liverpool. Because after I’m done with this website in court, you’ll be singing Lostprophets. Ian Watkins himself could not help you out of this hole you dug.
Your double standard around free speech here is palpable. After Ian Watkins’ tragic suicide became your most commented story to date, you destroyed the commenting form in a fit of jealous rage. You’re allowed to spread rumors, but we aren’t? Why, if I had root access, I would DELETE your gay comments and replace them with images of Ian Watkins getting his cock sucked by some fat whore who would never in a thousand years fuck me for pay.
You know what your problem is, chronicle.su? You don’t know what a troll is. See, we are the “TrollFront” who arrived from somewhere behind the year 2007 and We. Know. Trollin’. Look how bad you got trolled. You got troll’d so. fucking. hard bro. I am the king of troll mountain and I decree this day to be Chronicle Troll Day – A day we will celebrate each year by trolling the Internet Chronicle.! Where all da white women at. Where is your G-d now?
I literally came here to say this: THIS website is an Obamanation. BTW have you seen this picture of Ian Watkins sucking a hard dick? (SFW)
*oh my god I can’t believe this is my highest rated comment!!
**thanks for the gold!
The subject of Gavin McInnes being fired from the news outlet he created because of a piece he wrote was brought to my attention today through Justine Tunney’s article “In Defense of Gavin McInnes“. As a transwoman myself, I completely identify with Tunney’s words, however unpopular they may be. Not because I’m transgendered, but simply because she’s right. She speaks of freedom of expression and press, and as a journalist it frightens me that we can be torn from our own publication, have our families targeted and threatened with financial ruin by a mob of hysterical speech-hating cretins, simply for the words we write.
The public forums with integrated up/down-voting mechanisms for discussion, such as reddit, showed a rise in the idea that you could lessen the value of speech with the press of a button, not because it was wrong or because you rebutted with a superior counter-argument, rather because you just don’t like what you’re reading. It’s this mentality that has seeped into the minds of most people using the Internet, and it’s truly a testament to a willing erosion of our rights to express ourselves. When it becomes not about discussion, dialogue and diversity of opinion, but instead about censoring what we don’t agree with(along with trying to destroy the other persons life), we have truly lost our way.
I was featured in an article in VICE about a trolling organization I was a part of, known as the Rustle League. In the article I openly support the Westboro Baptist Church, not because I agree with them, but because they are one of the final bastions of freedom of speech in America and I will defend, to my death, their right to protest as many fags as they want. I also received threats because of that article.
Before that, I was included on an Australian television show about Internet trolling, where I was portrayed as the devil incarnate as a crowd of onlookers passed judgement before the show had even begun, not for what I said or had said, but because it could be said. The following week, I did an interview as a companion piece to the airing of the television show and the amount of vitriol spewed toward me in the comment section far exceeded anything I have ever said or done, but God bless them for saying it. It’s unfortunate the website had to close the comments section down because of the influx of troll-hating trolls being trolled into trolling, it made for quality trolling.
My tenure on the Internet spans from the mid-nineties to present and the amount of hatred directed towards me in a week is more than some people get in a lifetime. Does it bother me? No. Why? Because we all have a right to our opinions. What does bother me, however, is how quickly people will be there to try to take that right away and most of all, how successful they are.
Love it or leave it, just don’t delete it.
ASPEN, Colo. — The 9-1-1 call came shortly after five AM.
A pleading voice whimpered into the line, “He’s got his pants down… he’s got a bottle of lotion… he’s… he’s… Hatesec?”
The woman on the other end of the line was a pre-teen beauty pageant runner-up, coincidentally also one of many intelligent Chronicle readers.
Hatesec was ultimately apprehended by Boulder County PD early Tuesday morning on the pre-teens lawn and subsequently booked on charges of “lewd conduct”, “trespassing”, and “hate-masturbating,” a spite-filled manner of self-pleasure that victimizes others.
A spokesperson for the police department stayed tight-lipped, saying little, “This looks like a textbook case of a Peeping Democrat. Another Obama supporter targeting pure Whites.”
After a preliminary search of Hatesec’s apartment, the police reportedly found evidence that links the notorious Internet editor to the unsolved murder of JonBenet Ramsey, famous child beauty pageant star killed on Christmas Day in 1996.
The pre-adolescent in question this time said she recognized Hatesec by his vengeful scorn, erratic behavior, and irregular, terroristic barking. She also mentioned his Internet Chronicle t-shirt, white stains lining its base, as an identifying feature of the predatory editor. Or Preditor.
A whistleblower-hacker who defected from the Internet Chronicle provided authorities with official chat logs gleaned from chronicle.su servers in Chernobyl.
Hatesec: Yeah, I run the Chronicle. BFD, though. What are you wearing?
juicy_brooke2003: hehe :/
Hatesec: Fuck you. What are you wearing?
juicy_brooke2003: just got home from ballet. so my tutu and slippers
Hatesec: Take them off, slowly.
Hatesec: SLOWLY. * pulls down pants *
juicy_brooke2003: um… no :/
Hatesec: Bitch, don’t make me come to your house and hate-rape you. I can make it look like you were asking for it.
juicy_brooke2003: dude, i just messaged you to say I liked your last article?
While these chat logs indeed appear incriminating, the Chronicle’s resident pederast and forensic analyst, Angstrom H. Troub’adore said the evidence is “hardly enough to convict such a strong voter like Hatesec. Conjecture. Purely.”
Following in the long line of American dissidents like Barrett Brown (LOL), the Boulder County PD has issued a gag order, refraining the Democrat editor to speak with the liberal jew media.
His trial is set for November 2016. It is unclear whether he will be allowed to vote for Hillary while awaiting trial.
INTERNET — Thursday evening, an arguably blazed fan of dad-rock band Phish, found and posted the drivers license of hardcore rapper DMX(Earl Simmons) to Internet forum Phantasy Tour, claiming his place as “OP” of an “epic thread.” In OP’s first post, he explains how DMX was always getting arrested up for driving without a license in the small town of Lyman, South Carolina. As it turns out, Simmons finally procured a drivers license, only to lose it whilst riding around town in his drop-down.
The now archived thread began with OP posting a photograph of the bankrupt rappers license, asking if he should go return it. After an overly caring second post, other forum posters took the information into their own hands and began ordering DMX pizzas, the hallmark of “epic threads.” Soon, an argument erupted over the fact that one pizza-bomber had done cash-on-delivery, prompting rabid Phish “phans” demanding others show “respect” to the destitute rapper(these posters were later dubbed “DMX white knights”). The pizza delivery man confirmed that the delivery had been made.
Among the wave of self-congratulatory and “thread of the year” posts, forum goers began cleverly combining DMX lyrics with that of pizza ingredients, bringing phans to many lols. Forum goer stipe1 even seized the opportunity to read the thread aloud to his son. One poster went as far as to looking up women on Craigslist to send to his house, for a nominal service charge. Much to the chagrin of posters, this plan never panned out. Someone ordered him Phishs’ new album off Amazon, which apparently, was hilarious.
As the thread moved closer to the 499 post limit(the staple of a Phantasy Tour “epic thread”) and the shoddily photoshopped memes kept flowing, phans began to wonder about OP’s whereabouts. Soon, OP appeared to his adoring fans, savoring his 499 posts of Internet fame, to say he was not murdered by a crack fueled Earl Simmons.
When all was said and done, phans concluded that OP had delivered.
UPDATE: In a new thread attempting to continue the “lulz,” the no-longer OP said in a typed statement: “All the sudden this isn’t as funny to me anymore. I’m sure you guys are loving it though. He might kill me for real.”
INTERNET – Comedy fans were mortified Wednesday after learning their beloved, subversive satire news site is in fact a government operation dedicated to uncovering dissenters and information terrorists.
Documents reveal sites such as anonnews.org, #AnonOps, and chronicle.su were established as part of a plot to lure and entrap would-be radical thinkers, in a government campaign sometimes referred to as a “honey pot.”
Additionally, The Internet Chronicle is tasked with disseminating false information about chemtrail science and the Illuminati to discredit legitimate movements.
Immediately following the leak, federal agencies moved fast to stage late-night raids throughout Monday and Tuesday, targeting direct subscribers to the site.
At least one Anonymous user was detained indefinitely after posting a question at the bottom of an Internet Chronicle article asking, “Serious question – are you guys looking for writers?“
American Civil Liberties Union Attorney Jim Buckerman said his Anonymous client is being unfairly accused of subversive thinking. Buckerman said his client “is not a thinker – subversive or otherwise.”
“My client is a good man. He has a family. He goes to work and he comes home. He has a beer. He watches MSNBC, and he goes to bed, dreaming of unchallenged American hegemony,” Buckerman said. “My client would not be caught dead reading The Internet Chronicle – a publication created by socialists, dope dealers – and worse.”
Buckerman said agents held his client down and asked him if he thought chronicle.su was “funny.”
“My client said in a statement that two men in suits pushed their knees into his back, holding him down on the ground. ‘Do you think Miley Cyrus is a f—— joke?’ They asked him, ‘Do you think the law doesn’t apply to you, because you’re on the Internet? Do you think chronicle.su is funny?’ to which my client responded, ‘No, no,’ and emphatically, ‘no.'”
Anyone found retweeting chronicle.su links, or suggesting The Internet Chronicle to friends may ultimately serve government interests, but that did not prevent readers from finding themselves on an “internet watch list” – which often leads to intrusive NSA backdoors, having personal emails read by secret agents, and being made fun of around the FBI office for obsessively googling “is this rash normal?”
The government released a statement Wednesday morning saying they do not comment on cybersecurity measures.
The Internet Chronicle is not the first case where the government has attempted to unearth dissent. World-renowned satirist and writer for The Onion Barrett Brown was arrested for linking people to his work with Project Persona Management, paralleling the works of Sabu, Abbie Hoffman and Jamie Jo Corne.
Security analysts project The Internet Chronicle will likely shut down or be repurposed to suit the cybersecurity needs of smaller, less digitized nations.