This is Caveman News.
News by cavemen, for the everyday caveman.
What’s up, fellow cavemen? For how many thousands of years are we going to keep calling ourselves that? I think since we’re all cavemen here, we can drop the prefix and just say, hello men. No. Somehow that is worse. What’s up, doc?
That was a good intro.
I’m Ugg Troubadour, a fresh-faced doctor for the modern caveman. Don’t believe me? OK, hotshot, you tell me: If I am not a doctor, then why am I wearing this white labcoat, safety goggles and a sick-ass watch, while you’re still traipsing around in a leopard’s skin?
Today I am presenting you with a few tips and pointers we picked up on our recent med school trip to the bush, in an effort to make your sad, pathetic caveman lives just a little more tolerable.
You’ll still be miserable, but I have to fill a page, so read on.
- When tearing apart trees to make your club, aim for something in the shape of a giant turkey leg.
- When crossing a river or stream, remember to watch out for other cavemen. In a moment of weakness, they’ll catch you slipping, and you’re done. There’s no such thing as Caveman Law, and it is only a matter of time before you trip up, and become something less than a man. Stay alert.
- A lion was seen on the savannas. Watch out.
Health and Society
- Be on the lookout for terror flax, containing a chewable seed. This flowering plant heightens the senses, opens the pores, and unlocks the inner power of bloodlust.
- Go to bed early tonight, because a volcanic eruption will soon plunge the entire world into more than 30 years of winter. That is two lifetimes without sun.
- With life expectancy on the rise, groups want to push back retirement age to 14 years old.
- If you see a spotted lanternfly, squash it immediately. They are invasive, and feel good to squash.
You’ve had regular food. Now try: Food for thought
- The brutality of existence is baseline. Happiness or joy are temporary easements of suffering.
- God hates us, as indicated by thunder and lightning. That is why you have lumps and boils all over your body. Do better.
- Ask yourself this: You’ve already knocked her unconscious. Do you have to drag her into your cave by the hair?