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Tennesseans speak out in defense of cat eating tradition

Rel Gumson ate a cat and skinned her dog

SPRINGFIELD — National media reports have citizens worried that Haitian migrants are prowling the streets, kidnapping family pets and grilling them in voodoo rituals. Local police are yet to file any charges and have made an official statement that the story is a hoax.

However, some Americans are now emboldened to speak out about the benefits to eating pets.

“Iโ€™m cracking up at all these posts about eating cats and dogs and canโ€™t help but think itโ€™s some kinda propagandist play off my social media blow out about my dog skirt and eating the cat,” Rel Gumson posted to Facebook.

Gumson is a bit of a migrant herself. After suffering police brutality at Occupy and later losing her drivers license for driving while high, she decided that she’d do better living her life far from the corporate world of New York and in the rural campground of Hippie Hill, Tennessee.

Her interest in collecting, butchering, eating, and making crafts out of taboo animals goes back to one “social media blowout” post in August of 2016, when she first harvested a road-killed owl. A dead raven, groundhog, blonde squirrel, and other animals would soon all cross her facebook page, culminating in a cat-eating scandal that would throw her life and the whole backwoods hippie scene inside out.

“Eating cats is as American as apple pie, in fact more American. My granmammy makes a mean minced cat pie, and you better mind your manners cause she won’t cotton to none of your media lies,” Gemma Stuart of Newport, Tennessee told reporters, who were investigating an alleged cat farm. “We don’t play by your rules and we eat what we like. Now stop meddlin’ in my holler, this here cat farm don’t exist. And yun better keep this off the record if ya know what’s good fer ya.”

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Anonymous takes credit for DDOS attack on ๐•, halting Musk’s interview with Trump

Hackers from Anonymous shut down Musk’s interview with Trump as part of #OperationKamala

INTERNET — Fans of Elon Musk and Donald Trump were unable to tune into the much anticipated ๐• Spaces show after Musk reported a distributed denial of service (DDOS) attack on his social media site ๐•, Monday night.

Representatives from the hacker collective Anonymous took credit for “Operation Kamala,” and promise they will do everything in their power to promote the Democrat party this election season, including cyber attacks on Elon Musk’s children.

Spokesperson Barrett Brown told reporters, “Anonymous is going to shut down the Republican party permanently like we shut down that pathetic interview. Elon, your life is over. That’s why I’m gonna look into your kids. We do not forget. We do not forgive. Expect us.”

After suffering this epic humiliation to his web servers, Musk tweeted in defeat, “There appears to be a massive DDOS attack on ๐•.

During his takeover of Twitter, Musk was met with fierce criticism for firing most of the staff and cutting out backup services that handle high traffic loads and denial of service mitigation. Musk “tested” ๐•’s capacity, personally, Sunday night during a marathon seven hour livestream of Diablo IV.

This failed interview follows Trump’s abysmal appearance last week on the Kick streaming platform. The amateur broadcast suffered from shoddy audio engineering and the meandering unprofessional interviewing of Adin Ross. Ross went viral earlier this year after expressing shock at the fact Trump and the Republicans offer voters an anti-abortion platform.

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Harvard physicist: Satoshi Nakamoto is a hostile alien intelligence

INTERNET — Professor Avi Loeb of Harvard University believes that the world’s financial markets are at extreme risk of extraterrestrial control.

Loeb put on a fiery TED talk, dazzling audiences with his bombastic claims. Screaming and shouting while marching across the stage, Loeb’s presence resembled Elvis, “It’s estimated this entity, Satoshi Nakamoto, is worth $70 billion. We don’t know who it is, and we can’t even rule out it’s an extraterrestrial. We just don’t know what Satoshi is!”

Loeb pounded at the podium, leering at the scientists around him. Their amusement at his wild speculation revealed a lack of curiosity, driving him deep into frothing rage.

“Our world’s computers are laughably insecure. Look at what happened with CrowdStrike. Even our distributed and encrypted systems, for example bitcoin, what protection does that give against the computational power of potential aliens? That is where I begin to get suspicious.”

Loeb grimaced at his disinterested colleagues, emphasizing each word with increasing hate.

“Suddenly we have a secure system, and it still hasn’t been cracked after ten years. That is exceptional, but imagine that it’s not cracked for another hundred years, two hundred years. All the while, the aliens who secreted this technology under a pseudonym are building their assets. One day we’ll wake up and realize they fully scammed our planet out from under us.”

Loeb toppled the podium, “Oumuamua deposited hardware in our system and it is now somehow hooked into our computer networks. This analysis fully proves that these extraterrestrials are influencing everything from the stock markets to sports events. Everything is rigged, rigged, rigged.”