axisflip cryptofinancial

Categories
Status Quo

The Pinhole Camera

EARTH–Citizens of the world gathered at the edge of Midas Canal, watching as messages the size of planets were carefully threaded through the eye of a bent sewing needle.

Each word came out thin, bent, shiny, carrying the heat of a star pressed flat and ovular, and stamped with an insignia that many believe carries the weight of one billion promises.

Randy asks readers to “get out of there,” adding that the area was “too snaky.”

Entire galaxies are forced through a pinhole.

Authorities assured everyone that this was fine, but they’re cops and what do they know? The compression is normal, they said, that all big things must be reduced to bite-sized pills – no matter their true constitution – prior to extrusion through the device.

This destroys the sender

Somewhere below, divers reported from the ocean floor that the seabed had cracked under the pressure of entire dictionaries worth of unspoken, unnamed and undiscovered expressions. Their magnificent descriptions of iridescence are owed in large part to hypoxia. Sweet, beautiful hypoxia.

The shadowy archive, Randy said, lies at the bed of the Mariana, resembling the OceanGate submersible in the shape of everything that never fit through the pinhole.

“Also it’s just too damn snaky,” Randy went on to say.

Tourists leaned over the railing, staring at the gap, half-marveling, half-dumbfounded at the quiet power of absence: a canyon dug out not by water, but by the weight of every word without a definition, filled in by the pressure of the substrate itself.

Officials smiled, grinning, bossman style and held a press conference to say that nothing was lost, that every morsel that bubbles up to the daylight is enough to sustain and uphold the grand illusion the shattered wreckage pushed through it before; once whole, now a consequence of the hole. The rest of it remains below, thrumming in the dark, alive, and unacknowledged.

Ouroboros is circling, Randy says, get away.

“Too snaky.”

axisflip cryptofinancial

Categories
Sports

‘I made a huge mistake’ says CEO who snatched boy’s hat at US Open: ‘I should have taken his ball too’

Come in the other room, audience, come on. It’s serious time now. Quit fucking around in your bedroom and come out here and join the family. It’s time to fucking act like somebody.

INTERNET—The man who was caught on camera snatching a hat off a young boy at the US Open held a press conference to say he made a huge mistake after a weekend clip of the incident went viral.

Piotr Szczerek, a Polish chief executive of a consonant firm, said he was “convinced” tennis star Kamil Majchrzak had been “passing his hat in my direction.”

“That was intended for me,” the Polish guy said. “I know I did something that seemed like consciously collecting a memento from a child, but look at the shape of my skull. I order all my sandwiches from the hardware store.”

The video, taken during Majchrzak’s match on Thursday, shows the tennis player offering his cap to a child, before Szczerek appears to take it.

Versions of the clip were shared widely on social media, prompting criticism of the chief executive’s actions.

Refs and officials are rooting against Kamil Majchrzak so they will no longer have to stumble through his name like a dark hallway.

The 50-year-old manchild’s lawyer wrote him a statement, which he posted to social media Monday: “I would like to unequivocally apologise to the injured boy, his family, as well as all the fans and the player himself.”

Little does it matter, this story won’t stick because no one can remember or even pronounce the offender’s name.

“I’m already in so much trouble, in hindsight,” Szczerek said, “I should have taken the ball, too.”

The boy was approached by US Open officials after the incident in their bid to make things right. Unfortunately, at the last minute, a woman from Philadelphia dove in front of officials, snatching the swag bag and autographed tennis ball from the child, arguing that it was never intended for him and that consolation prizes are “fair game.”

INTERNET CHRONICLE SPORTS

…and that concludes our story, dear reader. What? You think you could do better? You think you can write satire? Right! You fucking little worm! You couldn’t execute absurdity if it was an Israeli hostage. Now go lay down.

axisflip cryptofinancial

Categories
News

ETHAN KLEIN PEDO TREASURE TROVE FOUND NOW!

INTERNET—Everything there is to know about Ethan Klein’s pedophile history is available NOW on reddit dot com, users reckon. It is written in parodical self-confession form, where the author speaks in a manner of heightened grotesque, playing a pervert, letch, or master killer, always leaving ambiguous where they’ve crossed the line for real. That author’s name? Ethan Klein himself. It was a style of comedy very popular in the 00s. By the 10s Klein stood fearlessly alone, on reddit dot org, carrying the torch of that. He is the pedo_troll. It’s him.

Klein attributes inspiration for Teddy Fresh to 60s pop mogul Jonaton King.

Keen investigators however were keen to report that Klein’s salacious boy-love fantasia can be corroborated with actual incidents and documented facts. A revelation that now damns Klein to the sticking point. Is Ethan Klein the mask, and pedo_troll the true flesh beneath? None dread this certainty more than internet’s youngest and dimmest- drawn to “safe” Klein for his teddy bear clothing brand, childlike performance persona, aesthetic, and wife.

“I’ve been putting the H3 podcast on for my daughter’s nap time this whole time without even realising,” opined single mother Jamie Jo Corne, “to be honest I’ve never really been that much of an H3 fan, his shit’s been stale for a long time. That invert the spoon video was funny but that’s so long ago I don’t even remember the proper title. He was catching some heat with the whole idubbbz drama but he lost me when he started suing those fart fetish girls. Anyway I just started leaving the H3cast on for the baby and now she cries if I don’t play it. She gets bored of old episodes so I have to keep up with this freak. On top of it all I learn about this pedo_troll shit? Yuck. No thank you.”

Leading up to America’s most recent mass shooting, Robin Westman shouted out “VAPE GOD” – a direct reference to H3. Klein acknowledged the detail in a retrospective garnering 2 million views.

Chronicle reached out to Klein directly but got blown off nasty style: “why aren’t you people going after Destiny! Steven Bonnell the second? Come on you guys, he said he has 60GB of see-sam on his disk drive, ready to go! I’m telling you, you’re going after the wrong guy, he’s the bigger pedo. I mean- wait- hold on- don’t print that. I mean, if I were to look at this whole reddit pedo troll thing and compare it to this guy, who is in frequent contact with minors, blackmailing them with revenge porn, and then planning on stream to flee to Israel, you’re seriously going to suggest I’m the one that needs the exposé? For trolling?! You’re the one that’s sick in the head, pal, not me! Sounds like you’re freakin obsessed! What is this rag anyway, chronicle sue? Hey that’s ironic, cos guess what’s next for you guys!”

After a terse exchange of words Klein put Internet Chronicle in touch with the head of his legal team, Vile Sloggvorbis, who informs us he now sleeps with a bottle of brandy at his bedside and a pump action 590. “Just try me if you think I’m bullshitting!”