Internet Chronicle

WASHINGTON DC — Insiders at the Trump administration leaked details of the Trump Administration’s plans to pardon Ghislaine Maxwell, Wednesday. Details of the plan include a significant hush money payment to Maxwell, possibly in the billions, and paid out by the Department of Homeland Security.

Reporters questioned Trump while he was golfing at Mar-A-Lago, who appeared to confirm the pardon. “There was no list, no trafficking, aren’t you people tired of this? But I can tell you, what’s going to happen in the coming weeks will be a major surprise. Major.”

“It’s Stormy Daniels 2.0,” Political analyst and legal historian Dr. Angstrom H. Trouabador told reporters, “Except this time, Trump has turned his personal, private, and political vulnerability into a taxpayer expense, all in the name of National Security.”

Joe Rogan, conservative podcaster and former Fear Factor host, got up out of his chair and threw several haymakers at his training bags in a rage. “I’m responsible for this, for having Trump on the show and covering for these sickos, and I’m just having a hard time living with myself for the past few weeks. It sucks man, it sucks but it’s true.”

Alex Jones challenged Joe Rogan to a “fight to the death” after declaring that the Epstein story was a “hoax” by the Democrat mafia in Washington, echoing a similar challenge which landed the “Liver King” in prison, last month.

The state of Texas issued a warrant for the arrest of Alex Jones, who has been accused of making Terroristic Threats.

INTERNET — Fans expressed both glee and dismay as Elon Musk announced the formation of a new American political party, Friday, in celebration of Independence Day.

Floating the names “X-ist,” and “America Party” Musk promised full adherence to all non-viral ideologies and accession of the manifest destiny of the United States government to full control over the solar system and ultimately the galaxy.

Perennial critics at YourAnonNews asked, “Why does America need another billionaire’s party?”

Musk fired back, limiting the visibility not only of the account but of the entire line of critical thought, identifying even its sarcastic expressions utilizing sophisticated AI.

In a scene reminiscent of Waco, ICE agents laid siege to Musk’s compound in Texas at dawn this morning, with denaturalization proceedings for the South African billionaire expected to revoke his citizenship by this afternoon.

Festooned with the latest military technology, ICE Command Trooper first class Henrique Von Braun of Pennsylvania projected his voice directly into Musk’s office with the LRAD’s laser-like intensity, “We’ve got ten semi trucks with scores of fiber optic FPV drones ready to deploy at a moments notice, and a dozen toxic gamers with itchy trigger fingers, Mr. Musk. Just come out peacefully, while you still have a chance at due process.”

“That’s a lie,” Von Braun winked at reporters, who watched on in astonishment as he wielded limitless paramilitary style power. “Hit him with the microwave beam, let’s see how that apartheid bastard likes a little Havana Syndrome.”

An ICE trooper shouldered a large weapon, resembling a large film camera. In the oversized monitor, reporters could make out the infrared light signature of an oddly barrel-chested man holding a child up as a human shield. “That ain’t gonna stop this weapon,” the trooper laughed with a cruel smirk. A humming and then the smell of burnt electronics was observed as both figures fell to the ground in anguished paroxysms.

Fans mourn the loss of Aella, prominent sex influencer, writer, and pornstar. Aella was found dead in her San Francisco penthouse Monday morning by police investigating a noise complaint. Deputy Frankie Hardswallow said the adult film star “died in unspeakable pleasure.”

Detective Chris Mooney has not yet ruled out foul play, saying, “It sure looks like a suicide to me, but she was mixed up with some really messed up people, said and did many things most normal people might find despicable.”

Aella was a member of a Neo-Randist cult called “The Rationalists,” a nascent organization loosely bound together by the perceived threat of AI undermining the human drive towards excellence. Like Rand’s so-called Objectivism, its founder Eliezer Yudkowsky charts out a path to Truth, his so called Sequences. Yudkowsky’s tedious intuition pump essays appeal most of all to unwary young engineers and software developers who hope to optimize the logic of their brain. However, the violent past of Yudkowsky’s radicalized followers has necessarily caused concern for local police investigating the still-unexplained death of Aella.

Public opinion of Aella’s “Rationalism” as applied to intimate human relations turned her into a grotesque lolcow on social media, trolling abuse culminating in her reaction, “…I’m a meme…I feel kind of broken…I’m so sad the world is shaped this way.” Social media user Sarah Norman responded, “I don’t even follow her and yet she is on my timeline talking taboo this, sex that, children this, and so what? No one cares. I don’t care. Fix the algorithm, Elon.”

Internet Chronicle was able to reach Grimes, pop star and sole defender of Aella’s philosophy. Grimes told reporters, “I want this like, off the record, okay? Quote the other stuff I said. It’s like, she’s a philosopher. Hello? You’re supposed to be making people angry and provoking their reaction big time. Flat out, they just don’t get it. Like a play party is where adults have sex, not kids. It wasn’t really like that at all, not like they say at least.”

Porn fanatic Jeb Garvin wrote on Aella’s memorial Facebook page, “I never got the philosophy thing from her, I always thought she was more about gangbangs. Always felt like I could talk books with Charlotte Sartre or even Sasha Grey, but I never got the feeling like Aella reads too much. To each their own.”