Police ‘Desperately Outgunned’ by Nonviolent Criminals, ‘Obama Study’ Shows

Roanoke County Va. police officers cower behind one of only four humvees, and await public insurrection.
Roanoke County Va. police officers cower behind one of only four humvees, and await public insurrection.

WASHINGTON – Raped by images of rioters menacing barely-armed peace officers, President Barack Obama received results from a comprehensive review of the Department of Defense program which hands down military-grade equipment to police departments in need.

What the study found was concerning: Obama said the shocking results of his study revealed police departments are not receiving enough decommissioned body armor, mine-resistant trucks, flashbang hand grenades and silencers, and forces nationwide are “desperately low” on illegal fully automatic rifles.

Executive of Freedom James Clapper said the findings deliver a staggering blow to police forces across the country operating in a culture of growing intimidation and fear.

“We’re taking their legs right out from under them,” Clapper said in a statement. “Without the advanced weaponry they need, our boys in blue are powerless to overcome ecstasy and pot dealers poisoning our youth from behind their videogames and Led Zeppelin regalia.”

Clapper said police forces are unable to escalate many situations beyond baseline paranoid hostility.

“Just the other day, one of our men went in without a gas mask and lost his bearings in a cloud of marijuana smoke. He couldn’t even shoot a dog that was asleep on the rug, threatening the safety of our fellow officers.”

Clapper concluded that “more guns, not less” is the only way to satisfy “a police officer’s natural bloodlust and desire to kill,” without the added responsibility of proper training and moral integrity.

Chief of Roanoke Police Department Rambo H. Atesic said his officers are dragging their knuckles around like apes, beating their chests in a savage display of impotent rage, setting up daytime checkpoints just to menace motorists in 5 o’clock traffic.

“Roanoke, Virginia just placed 1,000 package orders of midnight-black flak jackets, ski masks, rape sticks and explosive hollow-point rounds that spray awesome radioactive sand all over a crowd of demonstrators,” Atesic said. “So naturally, they’re itching to use it. Hell, I can’t fucking wait to shoot a dog, let alone some meaningless colored person.”

Atesic’s pupils dilated as wide as the iris, and a tiny flame flickered behind his hollow gaze.

“Our boys’ dicks are harder than Donkey Kong and there’s niggers that need oppressing,” Atesic surmounted. “Don’t take their guns away right when they need them the most. No sir, boys. We got a war to win. Now get out of my face with your camera, before I fucking kill you.”

11 Replies to “Police ‘Desperately Outgunned’ by Nonviolent Criminals, ‘Obama Study’ Shows”

      1. JUST LIKE THOSE FECKIN PIGS KILLED MY CAREER AND RUINED MY LIFE AFTER THEY NICKED ME. BASTARDS LAUGHED WHEN THEY SAW I WAS A TRANNY TO. TOOK AWAY MY KNICKER COLLECTION I PINCHED OF MY WHORES. I BET THEY TOOK THEM HOME AND TRIED THEM ON THEMSELVES. SICKOS !!!!!!

          1. HATESEC AND KILBORE, EVEN MORE SCREWED UP THAN ME. AT LEAST MY MAM STILL LOVES ME, DOES YOURS BOYOS. AND I HAVE PLENTY OF DOUGH FOR WHEN I GET OUT AND GIVE UP ALL THAT NAUGHTY NONCING. THINK I WILL GO SOMEWHERE NICE AND WARM WHILE YOU TWO SUCKERS WILL STILL BE RUNNING THIS CRAP SITE. LOSERS.

        1. fuck up HATESEC you bullying, manipulating ffkr,,, I’m in charge around here!! if anybody is gonna be telling mommy it will be me!!… mommy loves me best

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