Emma Watson Dead at 24

Emma Watson drank bleach Monday evening shortly after 4chan hacked her iPhone and posted her nudes.

Emma Watson drank bleach Monday evening shortly after 4chan hacked her iPhone and posted her nudes.

INTERNET — Fans mourn for Emma Watson, star of Harry Potter, after she was found dead in her apartment in New York on Monday evening. After giving a speech at the UN about her support of feminism, . . .

Coca Cola says “Share a Coke with the Islamic State”

Coca Cola disseminated this piece of viral marketing along with a message of peace for the Middle East

Coca Cola disseminated this piece of viral marketing along with a message of peace for the Islamic State

BAGHDAD — Coca Cola issued its most provocative political message yet in a piece of viral marketing featuring a Coke labeled “Share a Coke with ISIS.” Coca Cola’s marketing director Jen Stamois said, “We aren’t . . .

American footballer “very sorry” for whatever he did

NFL Hall-of-Famer "Jumpin" Joe DeRouda was filmed raping a child.

NFL Hall-of-Famer “Jumpin” Joe DeRouda was unfortunately filmed raping a child.

Miami, Fla. – NFL Hall-of-Famer Joe DeRouda expressed remorse Saturday for his participation in a videotaped gang-rape which took place at the Miami Hilton during regular season.

A video leaked earlier this week depicts a man bearing DeRouda’s resemblance, . . .

Miley Cyrus enjoys groping of fans in latest performance

miley-cyrus-boobs

Miley Cyrus let fans grope her vaginal and anal areas, Thursday night in a performance in Atlanta

ATLANTA — On stage Thursday night in Atlanta, Miley Cyrus let fans stroke gently at her vagina with only a thin layer of tight, sequinned cloth between their grasping fingers and her smooth labia. Authorities fined . . .

Scotland’s failed bid for independence defrauded by Illuminati

Open voting fraud was reported widely across Scotland

INTERNET — Friday, Scotland lost its bid for independence as a majority of the country allegedly voted ‘No’ to independence. Analysts were astounded as social media clearly showed a strong preference for ‘Yes’ votes. In addition, photographs clearly displaying rampant voting fraud were circulated widely . . .

World’s first fully 3d printed solar powered drones fill the skies

Taylor Fenderson’s drones filled the skies Thursday, terrifying many pitiable souls

INTERNET — Taylor Fenderson of Roanoke County, Virginia announced the invention of solar powered 3d printed drones.

Mr. Fenderson winked and told reporters at an impromptu press conference, “Watch this.” Hundreds of drones formed a swirling mass, not unlike a cyclonic school of . . .

VISIT GRIMLIES NATIONAL PARK TODAY

The Grimlies are beautiful this time of year and just the thing to spice up your social media feed.

TOURISM — Stare at your phone in awe and wonder as you take in the natural beauty of the Grimlies and enjoy the internet¬†streaming from our thoroughly disguised 4g towers placed on the crest of . . .

Pope Francis declares military Crusade against ISIS

Pope Francis to underwrite millions of soldiers in a transnational Christian Army to tackle ISIS.

SEPTEMBER 11 — Pope Francis held a global council of Christian leaders from all creeds Thursday and declared a “New Crusade,” calling on “volunteer Christian soldiers” to oppose the rise of the New Islamic Caliphate (ISIS or ISIL). The . . .

Comcast deploys military police to Ferguson, MO

“The free market has a solution for Ferguson.” . . .

Repression Quest

INTERNET — The video gamer atmosphere was heavier with repressed sexuality than ever before, and positive reviews of a video game called Depression Quest kept flying off the pages of game review publications.¬†“A game that you have to read? And when you read it, its intention is not to make you have fun, it’s to . . .