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Amanda Todd Faked Her Death

This image was posted by the Snobs at the New Yorker, in a serious-sounding opinion on the dangers of cyberbullying.

Amanda Todd never died; she transcended the mortal plane to become The Patron Saint of Internet Meme Suicide.

Her viral video, I’m sure, is a perfectly fair and balanced account of her life which spread like a disease through the internet only as a consequence of how true it was. Nothing suspicious about it at all.

In death, she is a sacred celebrity, the most valued of human beings, and her enemies are being punished. This can’t all be by design, of course. Innocent young women would never create emotionally manipulative videos. Amanda Todd’s salacious underage topless pics, which were oh-so-innocent, are more widely distributed than she could have ever imagined. She has both exacerbated and escaped her nightmare scenario, bringing a whole new suicide format back from beyond death.

[pullquote]”Oh, isn’t that sad suicide note video just awful?” Retweet. Share. Like. Repost. “Those bastards who drove her to post this video are to blame.” ~ The People Who Are Really To Blame.[/pullquote]

You gullible pieces of shit.

Do you not realize what you’ve done? Now every fucking time some depressed, attention starved teenage suicide video goes viral, the millions of views will be a measure of how much you are to fucking blame for every girl who is inspired to copy her.

This isn’t even the beginning.

Amanda Todd felt “like a joke in the world,” and now she’s a bigger joke than any other suicide in the history of the human race. She’s died to bring forth the rotten fruit of social media suicide fame.

 

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Soulja Boy Reveals Illuminati Association

YPSILANTI, MI–Early Wednsday Morning, Soulja Boy announced his affiliation with the Illuminati while at a party with Lil Tunechi, Sabu, Nicki Minaj, Topiary, Barrett Brown, and many others. The new album “Souljanati” will explore his Masonic rites and explain the reason why Michael Jackson had to be removed from the fold.

Lil Tunechi and Soulja Boy celebrated by snorting a carefully-arranged hashtag-shaped line of the best Colombian Fishscale Cocaine, which they chased with a bottle of Robitussin. Jennifer Emick, the gracious host of this party and 33rd degree Illuminati Leader, immediately turned away all Souljaboy fans who didn’t bring her a generous offering of malt liquor, thus denying them entry into the Illuminati.

Ron Bryn arrived late, rambling to himself about Neal Rauhauser, and licked the table clean of all traces of cocaine. Later, he attacked several partygoers for their role, as he described, in “Adrian Lamo’s menacing Nazi sockpuppet network.”

Meanwhile, some guy named Shm00ptheGod had a really great jerk session and he didn’t even use lube this time.