Month: December 2012

NEW YORK–Wednesday Paul McCartney and Nirvana announced upcoming tour dates at the 12-12-12 benefit concert for victims of the oncoming Mayan Apocalypse. McCartney, who is rumored to have died in 1968, peeled off a mask to reveal he is an older version of Kurt Cobain. Angstrom H. Troubador, theoretical physicist, said that time reversals and weirdness have escalated to near critical mass. “These are indeed the endtimes. You may notice sporadic time reversals in the upcoming week. Only the Mayans Epopts know what will come next.”

Approximately 2 billion people around the world tuned in to the 12-12-12 concert, exposing themselves to precisely 12 minutes of crying victims of the oncoming Mayan Apocalypse. Several famous comedians read terribly unfunny scripts and embarrassed themselves badly. Kanye West, dressed in a garbage bag skirt, rapped to a beat which sampled King Crimson, tearing through fifteen songs in less than 8 minutes. Privileged white people pumped their fists calmly in their seats. The 68 year-old Roger Daltrey ripped his shirt off as The Who played along to a video vocal track performed by the late Keith Moon.

Mathematician Stephen Smale has discovered how to turn quantum spheres inside out using the discovery of the Higgs Boson. This has enabled wormhole tests at the secret military base in Montauk Sound.

 

Fox News blared from the flatscreen as Bill O’Reilly’s visage reflected off the shining simulacra. Stunned and immersed by this Disneyland fantasy, I could hardly decide what to order. “Can I get the double-decker taco with the loco taco shell?” The cashier was completely lost in his smartphone and muttered something in response without making eye contact. I waited until his glazed eyes fell on the register and repeated myself. “Can you guys make double-decker tacos with the loco shells?”

“No, I’m sorry, that’s not on the menu. We can’t do that. There’s no way to ring it up,” he mumbled. So I ordered a pan pizza. The cashier rattled off an inaudible string of annoying questions like some kind of a machine. Cash in hand, I stared blankly at him. “Sorry, I have to say that stuff or they’ll fire me. They send in the fake customers sometimes to make sure.” Embarrassed at being forced into such a contrived excuse for service, he made change and returned his blank stare to the smartphone.

The pan pizza was not ready for over 20 minutes and during this time a ghoulish employee stalked back and forth across the dining room, eyeing customers with a hateful scowl. Highly uncomfortable, I approached the kitchen to inquire about my order. Another cashier was ready and waiting. “What would you like to order?”

“Um, sorry, no. I’m just waiting on my pizza.” With a condescending “Thank you,” another employee slammed the tray of lukewarm pizza and bread sticks onto the counter without making eye contact. According to the timestamps on the boxes, it had been ready for fifteen minutes. I could have demanded a fresh pizza, but I felt the oppressive stare from the dining room employee pacing behind me.

I might have eaten the pizza too fast, but either way it immediately made me sick. On the way home, I considered pulling off the road to vomit, but I didn’t want the six bucks to go to waste. Maybe all the old employees got new jobs somewhere else when they were rebuilding the place. Maybe some new training program backfired. The only one employee who consistently made eye contact was that intimidating demon, stalking around the dining room and wiping off tables mere seconds after customers left. She cleaned my table before I made it out the door.

Do not eat at Taco Bell.

INTERNET–Monday, Google’s popular Gmail e-mailing and chat service was taken down for several hours by the Anarchist Hacking Collective known as Anonymous. Barrett Brown, former spokesperson for the group, retweeted the information necessary to knock Gmail offline and has been detained by Federal Prosecutors.

Anonymous immediately denied responsibility for the attack on Gmail before finding out that no one knew who perpetrated the attack, thus making it a legitimately Anonymous attack. “No one knows who did it,” said Google security executive Angstrom H. Troubador. “It’s totally Anonymous”

Angered Gmail users lashed out at prominent Anonymous Twitter accounts, only to find themselves the target of a bullying campaign unlike anything seen since Amanda Todd was forced to suicide.