Month: March 2014

INTERNET —  A shocking new study by geologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador shows that great plains regions of the midwest will sink into an “oily” inland salt sea, submerging areas from Detroit to Denver within only a few decades.

Dr. Troubador explained his predictions, saying, “Several underground rivers which shed excess groundwater into the Mississippi basin have been disrupted by hydraulic fracturing operations and will, over the course of the next few years, flood the nation’s most important farming region with a salty sea topped with a rich rainbow oil sheen. Once the shattered land settles beneath the weight of the new sea, it may be up to a mile deep at some points. Tens of millions will be displaced, as one of the planet’s most important farming regions disappears like the ancient civilization of Atlantis.”

Erech Siegfried, a so-called emergency ‘prepper’, responded excitedly to Dr. Troubador’s predictions, saying, “I thought we’d have an oil crash disaster until I found out the huge increase in oil production from these new fracking operations. It bummed me out because I was afraid I’d done all that prepping for nothing, but now all my planning is justified! I just need to trade in some of my ammunition for a boat, like Kevin Costner had in waterworld. God, surviving this thing is going to rule.”

 

INTERNET — Malaysia Airlines Flight 370, thought lost over the South China Sea, was spotted on the ground at Cleveland Hopkins International Airport. Witnesses saw “hooded figures” entering and exiting the plane, which glowed with an unearthly blue light.

Jeremy Sancrusty, a janitor at the airport, told reporters, “It didn’t take off or land. It just materialized in a blue flash. Then I saw hooded figures step off the plane, their faces all covered in shadows. Some more of them boarded, and with another flash the plane was gone. I think it was some kind of a teleportation technology and them people on it, I have no idea who they were. Didn’t look like aliens. Looked like some kind of secret religion to me. This is pure speculation, but maybe some religion out there’s incorporated all the beliefs of science and has leapfrogged over science itself.”

Expert in comparative mythology the occult, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, said, “Mr. Sancrusty’s claims are in line with current understanding in my field. It is non-controversial that there is at least one occult tradition with far superior technology, possibly capable of teleportation and space travel. We don’t think they are in any way associated with the Illuminati, but are rather a similar organization from southeast asia known to some as the Wudao. Their influence around the world is tremendous, and I would not be at all surprised if they have already found Perfect Language, long sought in the west by hermetic traditions. Some call it the philosopher’s stone, or the holy grail. It is thought the powers and knowledge Perfect Language can bestow are limitless.”

INTERNET — They’re known as Black Knights and they’ve got a message for serial abusers of women on the internet: “We’re going to hunt you down and kill you in your sleep.”

The alarming new internet trend of trolls and doxxers has caused thousands of suicides of young women and girls. The abuser, or troll, becomes addicted to stalking, harrassing, and targeting a woman, ruining her life in the process. But now, vigilante Black Knights are fighting back.

Unlike so-called White Knights such as the famed knightsec of the hacker collective Anonymous led by Deric Lotsgutter, Black Knights are out for blood and are definitely not revealing their identities. A Black Knight known only as NotAnonymous told reporters, “No one knows we exist. No one knows who we kill. No one knows when we kill. But if you’re ruining women’s lives for fun on the internet, we’ll kill you in your sleep.”

Feminists contribute to bitcoin pools on the darknet, an encrypted “underground” of the internet accessed with Tor software, and the Black Knight can collect payment by placing a bid on the abuser which correctly predicts the target’s time of death.

NotAnonymous refused to elaborate on the mission of the Black Knights. “We don’t have any identity. We aren’t doing this to get laid. Most of us don’t even do it for the bitcoins. We do it for the same reason the abusers do it. For the lulz.”