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Entertainment

BREAKING: BILL COSBY COMMITS SUICIDE AT 77

Bill Cosby
Several women had come forward with allegations against Bill Cosby of gross sexual misconduct.

BILL COSBY — Pain and anguish struck the hearts of millions of fans, Sunday, after news broke of comedian Bill Cosby’s suicide at the age of 77. A rash of sex assault allegations plagued America’s favorite Black comedian earlier this week, and experts from the Hollywood Psychological Network say the 80s sitcom star’s suicide confirms his guilt.

 “It really is tragic, because Bill Cosby was such a well-liked figure in the entertainment industry,” said Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, resident expert of the HPN. “It is a shame the way Mr. Cosby’s reputation has been ravaged by sexual misconduct.”
Some fans don’t agree at all with Dr. Troubador, and want to remember Cosby just for his entertainment without judging his personal life. Serena Plowman said, “We should remember him for the laughs he brought to us, not for the unproven allegations of embittered ex-girlfriends.”
Users of the Red Pill subreddit also defended the icon on his memorial page Sunday, some claiming they identified with his unfortunate image in the press. “Red Pillers” are so-called men’s rights activists known for their ability to filter reality through a profoundly misogynistic interpretive lens.
“I’ve spun a few plates in my day,” wrote Sean Brown, 27, from Los Angeles. “Hate the sport, not the player. I know for a fact that anything can be turned into an allegation of rape by the Feminist bluepillers in control of the media. They just want to take every man down a notch, silence all of us. Bill Cosby did nothing wrong.”
A candlelight vigil for the fallen star is being held in front of Cosby’s $400 million estate Monday night. His family has requested the media respect their privacy while they grieve and distribute inheritance.
The method of suicide is not yet known. The actor did not leave a note.
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News

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu Dead at 65

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu passed away suddenly, Sunday evening
Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu passed away suddenly, Sunday evening

REVELATIONS — Benjamin Netanyahu, Prime Minister of Israel, died suddenly Sunday evening after suffering a heart attack in his home. He was 65 years old and will be deeply missed by prominent bankers and comedians. His entire estate of over twenty million dollars was disbursed to the Anti-Defamation League and will go towards building a holocaust theme park in the heart of Tel Aviv.

 
Netanyahu’s fabulous wealth will also go towards demolishing the Muslim holy site at the Dome of the Rock and aid in the rebuilding of the most holy Jewish temple, from which God’s prayers are thousands of times more effective than any other place in the universe. This move will usher in the biblical endtimes by securing Israel’s final lock on global power, and experts in all three Abrahamic religions believe that a new messiah and possibly anti-messiah will appear at any moment and possibly destabilize even the gold market.
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News

Lebal Drocer Denies Wrongdoing in Latest Scandal

The Chronicle.su will never die
The Chronicle.su will never die

SLAVEYARD — Lebal Drocer, indicted for what one Judge called, “laying down with the dogs and getting the fleas,” fired back at Europol after they seized Lebal Drocer Publishing’s heavily-guarded mainframe installation in Belgium, or possibly Germany.

Lebal Drocer’s Chief Marketing Officer Barry B. Poundheaven told reporters, “This was an unadorned form of harassment directed at the people’s final source for truth, knocking the Internet Chronicle offline for mere moments but taking a profound strike at liberty over all of spacetime.”

Laughing, Poundheaven dismissed the seriousness of the situation, saying, “Yes, we were in the wrong place at the wrong time during the world’s biggest police operation, but it was no more serious than the usual constant attacks we receive from hateful, patriotic or anarchocapitalist hackers. Only a fool would be surprised that the Marxist Eurofeds would take this opportunity to hassle the world’s most glorious corporation.”

Chronicle.su officers were nowhere to be found during the site seizure, but hatesec approached kilgoar on several occasions asking him to setup PGP encryption so the underground editors could communicate freely.

“He emailed me twice,” kilgoar said, “but I was busy with a lot of stuff and with all the media requests we receive at chronicle.su, it can be hard to tell the difference between a real OP and a psy-OP.”

Kilgoar said it was at that time the Lebal Drocer, Inc. CEO wrote him, again, requesting the two communicate securely.

“He said he was Anonymous,” kilgoar explained. “He said he was legion.”

Hatesec, a known corporate apologist, told kilgoar that Lebal Drocer was not to blame for the Chronicle outage.

“He said Lebal Drocer is invincible,” kilgoar said. “He threatened to dox me if I said anything otherwise.”

The Internet Chronicle will never die.