Month: February 2015

INTERNET — Jon Stewart announced he’d be stepping down from the Daily Show to pursue a political career. Tuesday night, Stewart told reporters, “I’m announcing my candidacy for president in the 2016 election, and I’ll be running with the support of the Colbert PAC.”

Stewart added, “I’m disappointed in Obama. I had hope and rallied for sanity, but ultimately I was let down. I think a lot of people were let down. Obama’s gone after whistleblowers and escalated foreign wars, and he hasn’t done anything about police brutality targeting blacks. Now, we’re on the brink of an all-out nuclear war in the Ukraine and it’s time for someone outside of Washington, someone sane, someone who doesn’t think it’s all about growing our economy, but cares about human lives. I think I can at least do that much.”

Other frontrunners for the presidential election include Mitt Romney and Hilary Clinton. Clinton responded to Stewart’s announcement with a shrill laugh, saying, “Hah! That comic from pot movies? C’mon, give me a break. Herman Caine’s more of a serious contender than Stewart.” However, comics such as Al Franken have had lasting careers and served in some of the most prestigious offices in US government. Stewart’s fame and popularity with American audiences may be the boost he needs, as campaign spending is set to balloon into the billions in the 2016 election cycle.

CONNECTICUT — Tuesday evening, Brian Williams was found dead in his New Canaan mansion from what police said was most likely a self-inflicted gunshot wound. The NBC News Anchor was caught lying about facing RPG fire in Iraq and once said he saw dead bodies floating in a part of New Orleans that was not flooded by hurricane Katrina.

Monday, Williams announced he would “take a few days off,” but his suicide Tuesday evening has left fans and critics shocked. Friends and family told reporters Williams was, “not happy” and suggested that his career was built on far worse lies that he promised to soon reveal.

Police are investigating the tragic circumstances as there seems to be strong evidence for the possibility of foul play. Police Chief Gerald Hartford told reporters, “Now, there are lots of people with motives to take out Williams, especially military men who have had their valor stolen. That’s why we’re investigating foul play, but it appears to be a suicide. We’re not 100 percent, but that’s what it looks like at first glance.”

Others speculated that Williams exaggerated and sensationalized his stories as a result of brutal editorial control that the CIA exerts over him and NBC News. As the theory goes, the CIA feared he might reveal too much and had to “suicide” him to keep the wraps on their cloak-and-dagger propaganda operations.

MOSCOW — Vladimir Putin shared top secret Russian satellite photographs showing 9/11 was in fact an inside job. The startling photographs show explosives being loaded into passenger planes at Langley Field and tracks them as they travel to Pennsylvania, New York City, and Washington DC.

Traces of nano-thermite, which is capable of melting the tremendous steel beams of the World Trade Center, were sampled and confirmed by Russian intelligence through moles working at Ground Zero.

Putin clutched at photographs in one hand and positive samples of nano-thermite traces in the other, and said, “We do not want a nuclear war in Ukraine, but the United States does! A small tactical nuke was used on the chemical plant in Donetsk, but not by the Russian Federation. We will fight back with aggressive diplomacy, leaking the worst secrets of the United States. Our nuclear arsenal is a last resort.” On a final note, Putin added, “I am not autistic.”

The 9/11 Memorial Museum at Ground Zero opened for tourists in May last year and features the official narrative of the terror attack. Thousands of children are indoctrinated by the museum each day, taught a version of events that conflict with the best available evidence and the proof leaked by Vladimir Putin.