After months in Russia, Snowden Still Unable to Find Reliable Weed Hookup

MOSCOW — Snowden recently made an appearance at the Chaos Communication Congress in Berlin and promised to reveal more documents detailing invasive NSA surveillance. However, Snowden complained of trouble scoring marijuana, which he said is “essential” to further hacking work.

Although the audience laughed at this statement, Snowden lowered his iconic glasses and said, “This is serious guys. I’m not kidding. If any of you want to meet up after this talk and either smoke or give me some contacts, I’d be able to hook you up with some classified NSA info. Shit’s hot.”

Snowden did manage to score a few puffs from someone’s pinch-hitter in the parking lot, but sources confirmed he felt really uncomfortable around a bunch of new-age hippies he didn’t know, and he wasn’t exactly sure how to walk away without looking like a mooch. All of the hippies denied accepting classified documents from Snowden.

Ivan Iljanic is well-known among friends as being a resourceful drug connection and friend, even offering friend prices. But Ivan will not sell to just anyone.

“I know where some weed is,” Ivan said, “but you can’t tell Snowden. He obviously can’t be trusted with secrets.”

Ivan went on to suggest Snowden’s problems could be worse than simply being unable to acquire marijuana.

“I think he’s had enough pot already. Have you heard his conspiracy theories?” Ivan continued, “He told me ‘the NSA’ sold HDMI cables that spy on citizens and built hard drive rootkits into firmware. Don’t even know what that shit means. Dude’s off his rocker, and I honestly feel bad for him.”

Snowden admitted he had a few flaky connections who come through from time to time, but nothing regular, and later complained, “It’s hard to find pot in Russia not connected to the Mafia.”

Snowden said he used to get it off this guy who lived “up on the mountain,” but eventually the dealer was allegedly busted by Russian police, and now Snowden claims he is “too famous for leaking to meet new drug connections.” Snowden said, “There are very few people who don’t recognize me as the world’s most famous file leaker, and it feels deceptive not to tell them up front. I’ll say, ‘Hey, you know I’m Snowden, right?’ and they ask, ‘Snowden? Who’s he?’ At which point I’ll usually explain I’m a pretty big deal on the Internet. Then as soon as they figure out who I am, it’s all guns and yelling. Every time.”