Hell fire, brother! Dr. Troubadour here, and have I got a horoscope for YOU. It’s hatesec’s birthday, so y’all can “Suck My Dick” (which I recently tattooed over a young Brooklyn woman’s eyebrow, granting her new spiritual energy!) and read this here horoscope. Get right with astrology, and the stars may align in your favor. Offend me, and I will pray to the devil to send the Moon straight into your fucking house. Ungrateful pieces of SHIT!

I got big money on this one. Now! Go forth, and fulfill your astral destinies.

ARIES

Over breakfast on the 14th, dark suspicions around your neighbors begin to grow. Someone at work will say something to indicate they know. They know nothing. Trust the plan.

Your lucky numbers: 3:30 a.m.

TAURUS

Lovely Venus shines in your windows, because you did a bad job blacking them out. It is a distraction, but you will go on because you are strong, independent, and so brave. On the 24th, you will overhear an ignorant conversation taking place. You must fight the urge to interject with everything you know about the subject, because you’re wrong, too, and you’re too self-absorbed to realize it.

Your lucky number: Two smashed eyeballs of unknown origin, waiting for you on a plate in the kitchen.

GEMINI

If you are holding a party or arranging a social occasion, the current planetary arrangement is unsuitable for success. Do not let Venus shine in your home zone, inspiring hopelessness and disarray. On the 21st, avoid skin contact with Pisces.

Your lucky number: 21,000 ug

CANCER

Tired of hearing that nice guys finish last, you turn bitter on the 18th. On the 21st you could turn that “best friend” into an acquaintance with one funny text message. You might never understand your role in the world, and die with questions unanswered. Chicks just aren’t ready for a guy like you.

Your lucky number: BLOCKED

LEO

You may think today’s events will feel “business as usual,” but you would be wrong. The current planetary alignment could indicate that a disruption may actually be a blessing in disguise, as you realize this whole horoscope thing is wearing a bit thin, and it might be time to consider drug abuse therapy. Watch for gasoline rain.

Lucky numbers: 69

VIRGO

Today’s astral configuration may feel like a hole in the ozone layer, but what the fuck do you know? I am the zodiac master, and you are nothing. You read horoscopes, and your horoscope says the astral configuration is about to totally wreck your shit. Check my astrology: You could fall more deeply in love than you would have under any other alignment of the planets. However, you will recklessly reveal gross, unattractive human vulnerability and a loved one you trusted will turn their back on you!

Your lucky numbers: [Deleted]

LIBRA

Venus enters Sagittarius on the 18th, making the third week of August a good time to start a secret new family in another town. Stop wondering what if, confront your fears, and get to work on your ‘other life.’ If shit goes belly-up, you can always go out for a pack of smokes.

Your lucky number: Unavailable

SCORPIO

On the 15th, a cosmic boost gives you special powers to make important changes to the starting lineup for the Charlotte Hornets 2020 roster. It’s fantasy fucking basketball in this bitch, as you literally alter history as we know it, for this trivial goal. Might as well gamble on it! Stay awake all night Sunday doing blow and placing bets, because come Monday morning you’ll be remembered as the final boss of Draft Kings dot com. The 20th pays your escape into the woods, never to be seen again. You will be presumed dead after a halfhearted search effort is called off.

Your lucky numbers: 14, 15, 30

SAGITTARIUS

ICE detention centers will enter your thoughts on the 18th! On the 20th and 21st, the Moon in your sign gives you the courage to retweet something about it. Your guilt is too strong to bear alone. Have a trusted friend or family member turn you in to the authorities at once for sympathetic re-education.

Your lucky numbers: 9, 1, and then 1 again if you’re sure

CAPRICORN

On the 15th, a Full Moon gives you the dicking of a lifetime. You will give everything to experience this level of joy again, chasing a ghostly dragon you think you saw, just around the next bend in your life. Insecurity-inducing planets are conspiring on the 19th, so keep your head low! There’s no turning back now. You live for taking dick.

Your lucky number: 1,000 dickery doos

AQUARIUS

The moon in your sign illuminates your dim wit on the 17th. Horseshit tax regulations may go into effect on the 18th but there are loopholes. Watch Prison Planet on MSNBC until prison no longer seems so bad.

Your lucky numbers: 50 to life, and the 5th

PISCES

A hilarious fuck-up is in store on the 15th — and you’ll take the blame! From now on, people will only glance at you out of the corner of their eye, but somehow you’ll still feel the burning hatred of their judgment. On the 19th, don’t settle for this. Plan your revenge on society at large, until Venus exits Sagittarius. Then, wait for instructions in that abandoned house near the edge of town.

Your lucky numbers: 30, 27, and 18

I’m Dr. Troubadour, I piss clean, and graduated from medical school. My star chart readings have been described as “too real” in the press, but I call the future like I see it. You’re welcome.