INTERNET — Sunday, the White House responded to a FOIA request initiated by investigative journalist Mike Cernovich, revealing proof for one of the strangest rumors about President Trump’s health. These documents showed beyond any doubt that Donald Trump has not defecated for three years, but rather has had his feces removed in a bizarre surgical procedure each morning.
The Internet Chronicle reached resident White House Proctologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, who performs the President’s daily surgery. “Donny was very self-conscious about wearing diapers, he wanted to be more presidential. It turns out we both had the same fixer, Michael Cohen, and he asked me if I could solve Donny’s little ‘poopoo’ problem. It turns out he truly hates taking a shit, and would hold it in for days or even weeks sometimes. But now that he’s begun to lose control, it was ruining his attitude and threatening to spoil or delay important state meetings. Well, I did a little thinking and came up with a quick and dirty solution, daily ass surgery. I don’t like doing it, but the money’s alright, and I owed Michael Cohen more than a few favors.”
Dr. Troubador spoke at length, often filling in details that Internet Chronicle interviewers could not possibly have imagined. “Donny said he just wanted me to sew his rectum shut, but I had to tell him that wouldn’t work. I talked him out of colostomy bags, but I can’t say too much more. The procedure that I developed allows an incredibly wealthy person to totally transcend shitting, and it might make me a billionaire myself if I play my cards right. Soon I’ll find a solution for pissing, too. That’s not far off.”
When pressed about the extravagant expense entailed in the daily fecal extractions, Dr. Troubador confirmed it was certainly funded by taxpayers through a top secret all-cash black budget, “Well of course I’m getting paid with public money, three hundred grand in cash each morning at 6am. Mr. President doesn’t want to take a shit, and so he won’t. I wouldn’t have revealed this at all but I’m just so sick of the job. I’ve done a lot of nasty things for some quick money but yesterday was so bad I’m out. Never again. Plus I think these surgeries are really taking their toll on his decrepit old system, in spite of the future potential for the super wealthy. The day after that ‘10,000 hanberder’ picnic of his, I swore I was out. Maybe Homeland will have something to say to me about national security, but fuck it, it ain’t worth the money anymore. But thanks to all the public funding, I’m very close to finishing a piss-free and shit-free lifestyle solution for the super wealthy! People in the future will look at toilets as a disgusting relic of ancient filth. In fact, this is the biggest invention since toilet paper and hand washing! Just imagine the infinite possibilities!”