INTERNET — Sunday, the White House responded to a FOIA request initiated by investigative journalist Mike Cernovich, revealing proof for one of the strangest rumors about President Trump’s health. These documents showed beyond any doubt that Donald Trump has not defecated for three years, but rather has had his feces removed in a bizarre surgical procedure each morning.
The Internet Chronicle reached resident White House Proctologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, who performs the President’s daily surgery. “Donny was very self-conscious about wearing diapers, he wanted to be more presidential. It turns out we both had the same fixer, Michael Cohen, and he asked me if I could solve Donny’s little ‘poopoo’ problem. It turns out he truly hates taking a shit, and would hold it in for days or even weeks sometimes. But now that he’s begun to lose control, it was ruining his attitude and threatening to spoil or delay important state meetings. Well, I did a little thinking and came up with a quick and dirty solution, daily ass surgery. I don’t like doing it, but the money’s alright, and I owed Michael Cohen more than a few favors.”
Dr. Troubador spoke at length, often filling in details that Internet Chronicle interviewers could not possibly have imagined. “Donny said he just wanted me to sew his rectum shut, but I had to tell him that wouldn’t work. I talked him out of colostomy bags, but I can’t say too much more. The procedure that I developed allows an incredibly wealthy person to totally transcend shitting, and it might make me a billionaire myself if I play my cards right. Soon I’ll find a solution for pissing, too. That’s not far off.”
When pressed about the extravagant expense entailed in the daily fecal extractions, Dr. Troubador confirmed it was certainly funded by taxpayers through a top secret all-cash black budget, “Well of course I’m getting paid with public money, three hundred grand in cash each morning at 6am. Mr. President doesn’t want to take a shit, and so he won’t. I wouldn’t have revealed this at all but I’m just so sick of the job. I’ve done a lot of nasty things for some quick money but yesterday was so bad I’m out. Never again. Plus I think these surgeries are really taking their toll on his decrepit old system, in spite of the future potential for the super wealthy. The day after that ‘10,000 hanberder’ picnic of his, I swore I was out. Maybe Homeland will have something to say to me about national security, but fuck it, it ain’t worth the money anymore. But thanks to all the public funding, I’m very close to finishing a piss-free and shit-free lifestyle solution for the super wealthy! People in the future will look at toilets as a disgusting relic of ancient filth. In fact, this is the biggest invention since toilet paper and hand washing! Just imagine the infinite possibilities!”
12 replies on “FOIA documents: “President Trump has not defecated in three years” – requires daily surgery!”
#TheStormIsCumming ( ͡ʘ ͜ʖ ͡ʘ)
Speaking of cumming, regardless of whether bb raeps or does not raep he still slept with his crazy allegedly pedo cousin, so what does this say about him, hmmmm. And has she been arrested & convicted of this self alleged crime in a court of law or is she just a nutbar pathological liar, hey birds of a feather re: kissing cousins as far as sex crimes go, isn’t it both illegal & amoral to fuck ones’ cousins in the great big state of Texas y’all. OFC kiddie diddling is far worse & henious than adult incest but one has to wonder did bb have h3ll3nd3r talk about it while they fornicated.
Wasn’t his cousin after all, yet h3ll3nd3r say I made him fuck that crazy pedo bitch, counterstrike III, suspended again, yet he rises from the Twitter dead like fake new$ Jebsuz.
*moans CASSSSANDRA loudly
*whistles the ballad of Barrett the raepy Clown
Hatred is just extra lovin’
Anonymous 2.0 is that like the anniversary of the Ghostbuster movie with the chicks who couldn’t act, BUT instead AGAIN it’s skiddies who can’t hack second time around.
And hatesex stop riding bb’s dick. Anyone w/ common sense/critical thinking/empathy despites ICE (Americakkkno Gestapo) & what assholes like Peter Tool & those kind of corps are implementing on the public ????? #FalseMessiah
Moar liek show me the money, NOT, Maverick. Chanology 2.0 for lulz. It should every ‘Merica’s job to resist the neogestapo ICE agents. Ya and hatsec stop cuppin’ bb’s balls or you’ll be so close y’all will be gargling his nuts soon’ fanboi. Objectivity much ✍?✍?✍?✍?✍?✍️?
I know these things because I am an award **cough, cough** journalist.
And I’ll be making an announcement tomorrow about a massive new leak to which select journalists and researchers will soon be given access.
Barrett Who …?
**leers & pinches your ass** #metoo