INTERNET — Friday, an Oxford Computer Science research team led by Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador declared that Satoshi Nakamoto, the founder of Bitcoin, is most likely a pseudonym used by a hostile alien species, perhaps from another planet.
Dr. Troubador’s team originally set out to research new internet filters that could weed out spammers who are employing increasingly sophisticated artificial intelligence when their filter hit on Nakamoto’s white paper for Bitcoin technology. “At first we laughed at this, but then we took a second look. The paper was most definitely synthesized.” Troubador told reporters in an exclusive interview, “We have a Sigma five certainty that the original bitcoin paper was artificially generated by a computer program beyond any known capabilities, which was remarkable enough to derail our entire research project. We’ve explored many possibilities, but by far the most likely answers are all earth-shattering in their implications. One idea is that an alien species has deployed an interstellar micro-probe to earth that has been interacting with our communications systems and gathering billions of dollars in financial assets, perhaps for decades now. Another belief is that possibly there is an intelligent mystery species that has remained hidden within the crust or underneath the oceans.”
While this announcement has left some critics laughing, military brass around the world have taken this as evidence of a grave threat to their security. Armed forces from all major powers snapped into high alert and are disconnecting as many of their systems as possible from the internet in sweeping security measures meant to secure nuclear and tactical assets.
Dr. Troubador warned reporters that it may be too late, “After the news first broke, our spam filter started going wild. We believe there is a new campaign of synthesized propaganda framing our work as a ‘communist’ plot meant to give the government control over the economy. The frightening thing is that this belief is gaining a foothold on social media. We fear that any attempts to seize the alien’s assets could result in widespread violence from right wing paramilitary elements under the hypnotic spell of the alien AI.”
Hank Desiderata of New Mexico’s Freedom Border Patrol said, “That’s just the price of freedom. Even if they are aliens, which is ludicrous, we start tearing down the free market just to get rid of their domination and it’s a slippery slope, next thing they’re taking guns from you and me. Anyway you fake news creeps can take the bitcoins from my cold dead hands!”