DETROIT– In a stunning blow to his manhood, the adorable baby biscuit of FuxNet himself, Drew Basko was arrested after a no-knock raid on his thrillion dollar home in the Detroit suburbs.
Police say they were responding to reports from a trusted source – a real good old boy, they said, trusted reports – of an underground slavery network, but not the good, Harriet Tubman kind of underground, also associated with slavery. This one, police said, was very, very bad, and they were surprised no one self-investigated it yet.
“As is protocol, we did not understand the nature of the dispatch,” said Chief Steven Branton. “I only half heard the call. You know how women just like to talk. I hung up and hadn’t caught a word of it. So I figured, ‘fuck it.’ We just knew we were going in hot.”
With guns drawn, federal agents threw Basko to the ground, demanding access to his basement dungeon, where children were reportedly kept as property.
“Help! I’ve been swatted!” Basko cried out, pointing at a dark navy clad figure standing in the front door. “I was doxed! There’s the white supremacist who doxed me!”
Meet Cyle Cannarsa, age 25. A marine corp reservist. His timelines are filled with racism, xenophobia, & blatant misogyny. In fact, within minutes of starting my research into him, I found an article on bigotry in the military featuring screenshots of Cyle himself! pic.twitter.com/kVinpF671O
— 𝒜𝓁𝒾𝒸𝑒'𝓈 ℙ𝔻ℙ-𝟙𝟘 (@FuxNet) June 19, 2019
Standing tall over Basko was Special Officer Big Dickington, a.k.a. Cyle Cannarsa, a real good ol’ boy with a three-headed hard-on for liberty, women, and white people.
“He hurt one of ours, and I just seen red,” Cannarsa recounted. “I ain’t been that mad…in a long time. Not since this six year old illegal boy Alejandro looked up at me from the floor of a Freedom Camp, and complained his steak-umms were too frozen. The ingrate!”
Following the arrest, Cannarsa took a knee like his celebrity crush, Colin Kaepernick, used to do. He whispered to Basko, who lay crumpled on the ground under an officer’s tender knee. As he hissed, Cannarsa diddled Basko’s ear with his tongue.
“You’re damn right I doxed you. You know better, boy, than to give cops all that credit. I’ll see you in the refugee camps.”
Basko admits he was doxed in retaliation to attacking True Patriots nocankickn and good ol’ boy Cyle Cannarsa.
“I guess I’m just like those kids in a lot of ways. Yes, I’m going to the camps now, and yes I had it coming to me. Cyle Cannarsa was right. I’m just like them. We are all the same.”
Now Basko is threatening to sue the Detroit police officers who entered his home, selfishly draining what little bit is left of the last remaining tax dollars from his own community, and potentially depriving even more children of food.
Despite mountains of research and articles, no one knows how to pronounce Cyle. Some say “Hero.”