Who’s a good little baby? That’s right, consumer: You are. Because you chose Lebal Drocer products to complete your material and immaterial selves, you have earned praise and reward. And gosh darn it, aren’t you pretty!
Yes, you are.
Hi, I’m hatesec. You might know me from the popular hatecast, Hate Radio, a slammin’ old podcast that’s been “kicking it old-school” since the year two thousand and twelve. Damn, that’s an old fucking podcast. Seems like more people would know about it by now. Huh, oh well. Do you want to see a picture of two dogs having sex?
Let me be the first to welcome you to your first real job. You work for Lebal Drocer now, and the best part of all, is you are working for free! That’s right, FREE! By browsing this proud, glorious shithole, you become a data-rat hauling not just your data, but everyone whose metadata you ever mixed with, and you carry on your little rat back a pack of Lebal Drocer Data Crop Dust, a patent pending Supercookie-based malware that infects and spies on the people you communicate with. It’s true! Snowden said so.
At chronicle.su, we see your using our website as a give and take. You might come here to read hilarious jokes and career ending rumors, but what many of you don’t know is while you’re learning quality facts about the world, we are learning about you. We give you comedy, and take your data. It’s win/win!
Sensitive information, such as what you google, what you jerk off to, what you tell your girlfriend you jerk off to, and how big that lump on your winky has gotten since 2013, comprise a secret profile of the person we think you are – especially the profitable, and private parts! Smell that? That’s quality person.
And since it’s Christmas, we’re throwing in a limited-time offer to take away your healthcare, for free.
It’s 2019, and there aren’t too many Christmases left in the chamber. So fire up the Hate Coil this holiday season, and astral project your richest manifestations onto the floor model television set in the family room, while the family gathers round, gawking in terror at your unbridled epiphany patterns. These sensations won’t last forever! Snap into a flow state and unleash the hate today.
Don’t forget: Never forget!