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Donald Trump promises to pardon Snowden, Assange, and Manning

Donald Trump pardons American Heroes
Donald Trump pardons American Heroes

THE SWAMP — Sunday evening at a Republican fundraising dinner in Washington DC, Donald Trump promised to pardon Edward Snowden, Julian Assange, and Chelsea Manning.

Speaking to the group of neoconservative elites, Trump said, “These are people who have done good things, heroic things for America. Heroes. Meanwhile the Mexicans are rewarded with citizenship for having babies on our land, illegally. I think we need to change things around a bit, deny citizenship to all Mexicans forever. But first thing’s first, we’re going to build the wall.”

Trump even suggested he is considering appointing Snowden and Assange to positions in his cabinet, saying, “These are smart, smart people. Just look at what they’ve done for us already. Why are we going after them, rather than asking for their help? Think about it. If we spent as much time going after ISIS as we spend on them — well there wouldn’t have ever been an ISIS. I might hire them.

“Hillary’s emails were a disaster. Total. Disaster. That’s why I’m going to get Snowden be my Cyber General. I’m going to go to war on hackers and secure our computers. Don’t get me wrong, I love computers. But ISIS uses computers a lot, and we must be vigilant.”

“Assange, he knows so much. So so much. If anyone can help me to drain the swamp, it’s Assange. I think he’d make a great secretary of state.”

 

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5 Comments

  1. i’ll i’m sayin’ is give peace (Herr Hitler) a chance, man. And everyone loves clowns and rollercoasters.

  2. SEND HELP!!! #fuckSnowden
    ‘I refused to succumb to the fate of the countless gnarled brown souls before me. I would not become food for the soul suckers that harvest from the trees in the night. I fought for my soul and somehow I won. I couldn’t speak as it took all my energy to fight.’

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