Handmade American weed costs four times as much as illegal foreign imports.
DENVER — Marijuana shops opened up across Colorado Wednesday as legalization came into full effect. However, gangs of armed thugs – possibly aligned with Colorado drug cartels – raided the new repositories, stealing billions of dollars’ worth of weed and paraphernalia.
With the sudden scarcity of skull and wizard-shaped bongs, Colorado stoners woke up into what’s been described as “literally, a nightmare.”
Denver marijuana user Dan K. said his “mind” was “blown” on the morning of Jan. 1 when he woke up into the dry nightmare.
“I already told all my illegal, black market dealers to go fuck themselves, because I’m a man of the law,” Dan said. “And now you’re telling me there is no weed to calm my burnout nerves? This is a nightmare. It’s the healthcare website all over again.”
Bands of vigilante stoners have taken to the streets with improvised weapons and firearms, protecting the few remaining marijuana dispensaries as patrons anxiously wait in line.
Colorado Police Chief Neal McIntyre voiced disappointment in legal marijuana, expressing concerns that police work is only becoming more difficult.
McIntyre said, “It’s going to be really hard to persecute the Blacks and the Mexicans, so we’ll have to get a bit more creative, maybe double down on our entrapment operations and flood the streets with crackheads.”
When asked about the rash of robberies at the new marijuana shops, McIntyre laughed, and refused to comment.
Miley died in a mid-air collision on Sunday evening
NASHVILLE — Pop singer Miley Cyrus died Sunday evening as her private jet was destroyed in a mid-air collision over Tennessee. The singer’s jet was seen veering wildly out of its flight path by air traffic controllers, but because of recent cutbacks, no controllers were within radio contact with Miley’s jet.
This tragedy comes on the heels of Miley’s recent promise to “never twerk again.”
A preliminary investigation into the black box of Miley’s jet suggests the pilots may have been drawn into a decadent cocaine party before entering what experts are calling “a temporary psychosis.” An unidentified voice in the cockpit was reportedly heard screaming, “I feel like God!” just moments before the private jet was destroyed in a collision with an Airbus A380, the largest passenger jet in the world, carrying 236 people. All passengers in both planes are presumed dead.
Miley’s family refused to go on tour with her this year and complained her show had become too racy. Billy Ray Cyrus said, “Miley’s estate has been turned over to me and – God willin’ – is all goin’ to charity. Sharin’ and Carin’ Hands. She wanted it to go to safe sex education, but that in no way reflects our values or those of the Disney Corporation.”
Bethany Sumpin, 27, runs the most popular Miley fansite on the Web. Sumpin insensitively compared the ordeal to the Fox animated series Bob’s Burgers.
“It’s like an episode of Bob’s Burgers,” Sumpin wrote. “I just keep waiting for the punchline. I keep waiting for it to be funny.”
Sumpin later added, “This ain’t no joke, y’all.”
Miley’s career-ending hit “Wrecking Ball” reached almost 450 million views on YouTube, and featured the fully-nude Disney child star straddling construction equipment in an adult manner and licking the quivering tip of a sledgehammer.
RICHMOND — Chemtrails were proven to be fact and not mere urban legend after recent Snowden revelations, as photographers around the country captured proven weather modifying chemtrails and shared them on Social Media web sites. However, debate still rages on as to the purpose of chemtrails and as to just who “they” might be spraying the chemtrails.
Va. Governor-elect Terry McAuliffe (D) bears the closest resemblance yet to a lizard. His policies are an undeniable affront to lizard-people-human-people-relations.
Darryl Cox, 42, said the skies over Roanoke, Va. were “literally criss-crossed” with poisonous chemtrails – jet plumes, or “contrails” emanating from the exhaust ports of military and commercial jet-liners – and said he no longer feels safe living in the Shenandoah Valley. Cox describes Southwest Va. as a “hotbed” of chemical testing activity.
“Do chemtrails exist? Yes, they do,” said Cox. “But what is the government doing, and is it really even the government? My opinion is and always has been that these damn chemtrails are the work of the airline industry to engineer the air for the benefit of their fuel economy. I figure it don’t take much sprayin’ so’s that the part of the atmosphere they fly through would calm down real quick like. I mean they got control a everything, I tell you.”
Va. Governor-elect Terry McAuliffe (D) said he “does not intend” to constrain commercial air activity over Va., adding that the airline industry is a large source of revenue for the conservative state.
Cox explained that “lizard-people,” like McAuliffe, must eventually answer to the public for their transgressions against the well-being of the electorate.
“I swore to God that I seen them sprayin’ out here just the other day and I’ll tell you now, that was no ‘contrail.’ That there was my death at the hands of the lizard people. Ain’t you never heard about them lizard people? They’ll look just like anyone else, maybe their face a little slack-like. I seen ’em every damn day. Every damn day. They doin’ this, you seen ’em breathe it on in like they like it. Like it’s a nice fresh day outside, when chemtrails are rainin’ in.”
It is perhaps no coincidence, then, that Gov. McAuliffe resembles a lizard.
Still others, so-called ‘preppers’ for the coming food shortages, are sure the Chemtrails are yet another precarious link in the oil industry keeping starvation at bay. Bernie Myers, of Afton, says ending the collusion between food manufacturers and jet fuel companies will be the key to understanding and ending the secret weather control programs.
“It’s funny how the jet fuel industry seems to be cooperating with the food manufacturers to control the weather. No one knows about their secret operations, but it’s real. Snowden even said so. Weather modification is the only logical reason for cloud seeding, and if you do any research at all, you will find out the truth. It’s Monsanto. It’s Boeing. It’s Lockheed Martin. They’re doing this and the government has no idea.”
Cox assaulted Myers after he spoke these words, screaming, “It’s the government doin’ it, I mean who else has the money? Hey, they take my taxes. Obama’s got these chemtrails rainin’ down on us and it’s a part of the Muslim extermination plan, I tell you what. Either that or it’s the faggots. God damn, we all already dead. Could be tomorrow they lay down the last layer, the catalyst that will burn all of our bodies.”
Myers then claimed he saw Terry McAuliffe playing with his family in the acid rain after a heavy day of chemtrails, “He was so happy, like I’d never seen no lizard man before. It was like they was gettin’ some type of manna from heaven. In a way it was kinda touchin’, but I seen it myself. He’s a lizard and no doubtin’ it.”
Half-Black President Barack “Hussein” Obama is a strong supporter of McAuliffe, and recently vacationed in the dubiously-acquired Hawaiian Islands. Mr. Obama refused to lie about the existence of chemtrails Sunday, and has said nothing to deny the dangers of their existence.
