Author: 27

Categories
News

Saint Malachy predicted the Communism of Pope Francis and Miley's Virulent Satanic Twerking

VATICAN — Minister of hate Pope Benedict 111th ruled out the possibility of life after his reign, as prophecied by Malachy the dissident Catholic, whose insidious doctrine turned more than 800 million people against their faith, and toward Communism. Eastern Mythologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour attributes the collapse of known civilization to Malachy’s Prophecy, a contrived series of events so true, you won’t believe what Pope Francis – or Peter – does next.

Dr. Troubadour explains

From the Depths of Hippie Hell sprang forth Pope Francis, “whose daily headline-grabbing antics leave in their wake an insatiable hole for festering human torment. Behind [Francis] lay victims – victims of his insanity and loss of innocence, victims of desire, victims of ruthless geopolitical gain… Victims, as Malachy puts, of ourselves.” Pope Peter will feed all of his flock and he will be the last Pope as the world burns from the resulting global warming.Global warming, created primarily by the insidious competing ideologies of Communism and Capitalism undercut the church just as Malachy predicted.

Watch closely, she’s doing the tongue thing, a seductive, Satanic, and demonic trick of the Devil’s that has been used by Miley Cyrus. This happens when young women are possessed. Now little children, 8 years old and 12 years old, are getting involved with twerking, which is a form of pagan worship. Her hair was done up in devil horns at her MTV video awards performance. Hidden in plain sight, these tongues are an invocation to Kali, the false Hindu idol. Miley’s body has been violated with pagan tattoos such as the “om” symbol from Eastern religions and the “evil eye” from Islam.

Categories
Society Uncontrollable Patriotism

Local friends enjoy 'talking about war' forever

Americans gathered around their televisions Friday, satisfied, because even between commercial breaks, some say they are continuously entertained “by the war.”

American Emily Jessup, 23, said a broken nation of war can be a good thing. It can even be fun, she said.

“We can finally reap the spoils of war – even a losing one!” Jessup said. Jessup and four friends discussed the war Wednesday after a long and painful evening of ‘hanging out.’

“Aw, we was just hanging out,” Jessup explained. “Hanging out’s just a good old however-long session of silently staring into smart phones, watching the reality TV show Catfish on Netflix.[pullquote]I looked around the room into my friends’ dead eyes, and that’s when I knew it was time to talk about the war.Lebal Drocer Seal[/pullquote]

Gerald Samberg, former reality television enthusiast, first had the idea to discuss war during what was undoubtedly an agonizing reappraisal of his own sexual market value.

Samberg said, “I looked around the room into my friends’ dead eyes, and that’s when I knew it was time to talk about the war.”

America – the war about nothing

Social media critic and behaviorist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador hailed the war as “the perfect topic for discussion, anytime.” He added, “Even if you don’t know what to talk about, you can always just talk about the war. May the loudest opinion win!”

“The war has given us so much… to talk about,” Samberg said. “I’m shocked I even used to watch that old reality television. It just bores me now, and I can’t think about anything but this new ‘reality TV’ called war.”

Jeremy Thornton, another friend in Samberg’s group set, said he is good with activities that don’t require human interaction. Thornton said he enjoys masturbation and videogames, but when it comes to “smalltalk,” he just can’t cope.

“I can look at Redtube.com for six hours straight,” Jeremy said, “but you put me around people and my mouth gets all whiskey-dick. I just can’t talk to people. It’s awful. But then I remember we’re a nation at war, and I’m happy again.”

Billy Bell “Ray” Thornton, Jeremy’s younger brother and emotional punching bag, added, “Our Grandpa died in the war, shot down by the slopes – Pacific Theater. I never really understood it, but now I’m getting it. Grandpa didn’t die in vain. I like to think Grandpa died for a cause, afterall. Grandpa died so we’d have something to talk about, didn’t he?”

Later, Billy Bell Ray said the war helps him feel better about himself. Other members of their friend group agreed that the war makes them feel better about themselves in general, and that they were willing to talk about it made them deeper, more thoughtful and intelligent people.

And it does.

The War™ is brought to you gloriously by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
We own everything that matters.
Categories
Health

Churches "cave" to safe sex activists

High school kids dry humping
“Dry humping” is a form of safe sex not explicitly prohibited by the Bible, a historical and factual document.

INTERNET — Churches across the nation relented under pressure from safe sex advocacy groups, and will no longer teach abstinence-only sex “education.”

Pastor Freida Phelps said, “There’s nothing in the bible against dryhumping, and as far as I can tell, sex with a condom is just dryhumping with penetration. In God’s eyes, that ain’t even sex.”

This comes on the heels of the “Miley and Jesus” episode of Miley’s Grace, the reality television show featuring pop singer Miley Cyrus.

Miley’s Grace follows the pop singer along her painful spiritual attempt to “get right with my Daddy.” Miley told viewers, in a private confessional, “Y’all, I seen God last night, and he came to me and he said ‘You keep Twerkin’ Miley, there’s no sin at all in it,’ and you know what, He’s right. Just cause it feels good don’t mean it’s a sin.”

Already high schools around the nation have reported a problem with teens wearing 99%-waterproof underwear, dryhumping in lounges and during lunch.

Hidden Valley High School Principal Daniel Levins said, “That underwear keeps the kids and their Hot Topic threads clean, but it makes the stench of the fluids much, much worse. Tepid semen sits in that skin-tight reservoir all tight up against their skin and instead of drying out it goes sour. The stink of seminal and vaginal secretions are in the halls, in the classrooms. You can smell it from the parking lot. It’s even worse at the mall, where no one even attempts to put a stop to all the dryhumping.”

Dan Oglesby of the Virginia branch of the Occupational Safety and Health Administration said the utilisation of Axe body spray has only made conditions worse.

“It chokes you up to go in there,” Oglesby explained. “Now it stinks to high heaven like pussy, ball-sweat and cheap perfume. We didn’t have all this when I was in school. What ever happened to pocket pinball?”

Schools around the nation that have been unable to contain the dryhumping are being put on lockdown, in extreme cases. Some fear the latest proclamation from church leaders and Miley Cyrus will turn the school system into a never ending orgy of what is now being promoted as “safe sex education.”

“The kids these days,” Levins said, “they don’t know what’s best for them as well as we adults do. All a kid wants is to feel pleasure derived sexually from their fathers, and now that Miley’s telling everyone that’s okay, it’s like Daddy’s not enough. They’re looking for it anywhere. We’re just trying to contain this horrible, sexy situation.”