Author: Kilgoar

At the scummy bottom of TikTok’s darkest reaches, X-rated shows from flat-earth promoters bounce back and forth between a few dozen ban evading moral monsters who want to teach children that the government, their parents, doctors, and teachers are all lying to them about everything.

“The globers used to be the ones crashing out,” Nicci the flat-earther whined. “We need to move past this op,” she sneered, “and it is an op, it is a fake thing that they’ve done to us.”

Official harassment and abuse alerts bounce across the screen as dunces who didn’t complete high school curse while performing physics demonstrations, sometimes waving empty toilet paper tubes full of trash or gesticulating at disc-shaped lids hanging on a fence. Calculations are scratched into tattered notebooks, freehand geometry spelling out illegible hatreds and angular fears.

“My grandaddy married meemaw when she was 14, are you gonna say he’s a pedophile? You really gonna say that about my grandaddy?” Shape Commander’s bold challenge was met with stunned silence.

Previously a minor figure, Shape has catapulted to infamy over the past weeks, platformed by flat-earthers for countless uninterrupted hours to push his various abhorrent views. Shape’s central fear is that the white race will be replaced by “sub-Saharans” and should instead revert into a state of nature conceptualized as ultimate barbarity, even targeting young girls like his meemaw for the purpose of increasing white survivability.

“People are just machines,” Wizard the Healer of Gods told listeners, “and women are babymaking machines,” He ranted in defense of Shape, lockstep with the general flat-earth community. Wizard admitted that he recently served time for menacing his wife, family, and police by breaking dining plates with his psychic powers during a domestic call. Neither he nor the immediate flat-earth community see anything wrong with this as he purchased the plates with his own money, and they were his to break.

In spite of being 6,000 years old and possessing telekinetic abilities, Wizard’s repertoire is limited to accusing others of psychological projection and calling them Nazis. “If you can convince someone of the flat earth, you can convince them of anything,” Shape Commander famously proclaimed, tacitly admitting that the flat-earth is no more than a sugar-coating for his poisoned fascist pill.

While resistance to this deranged form of extremist bigotry hasn’t yet catalyzed into the highly funded, well-organized counter-movement of the flat-earth’s paranoid waking dream, memes and humor remain the best cure for their fear and lies. “Globecrusher,” a prominent flat-earth TikTok host, is embroiled in “swolegate” after he was caught red handed photoshopping his face onto a bodybuilder with a physique he could only dream of achieving. Considering the dark direction focusing on children, such petty and vain lies are a light interlude for the ghastly horrors unraveling just next door.

Enoch of TikTok, treated like a God among flat-earthers, rides his bike into the show as the shirtless cool guy, pamphleteering flat-earth schlock with his big evil off-leash dog sniffing at passing baby carriages like dogdishes and sending women running in fear. He’ll kill his way onto smaller flat-earth lives and admin abuse the show to death with muting and bullying, sailing right out once it’s taken a few hits for harassment and is reduced to dead air.

Better known as Nathan Edward Thompson, Enoch’s fame is proof-positive that his reputation as a child-targeting predatory creep is actually a benefit for his reputation with the flat-earth community. In 2020, Thompson was arrested after screaming at children in the playground of a local elementary school, expressing the intent to “flat-smack” them. He remains among the most influential and respected leaders of the flat-earth community due to his record of targeting children.

“We need to start blackmailing the anti-flat-earthers. They’re like, the type to have hard drives full of furry stuff and you just like, tell them to stop and if they don’t we’ll just ruin their lives, man,” Thompson muttered in anger, balling his fist up tightly, a solitary crocodile tear running down his cheek. Finances are not looking too bright for the grifters at the top of the flat-earth pyramid.

“Oh we won’t convince this generation, but the next one will be for the flat-earth, I’m sure of that,” Spoiled Foil yowled, vocals fried like a fish at Long John Silver’s. Foil’s sister has had to cut ties with her, the 16-hour-per-day flat-earth obsession ruining all attempts at authentic communication and sisterhood. Foil is among the most respected flat-earthers, the alienation from her family only serving as another mark of pride and advancement into the highest levels of the evil cult.

But now that the flat-earth cult is shrinking its most heinous zealots are desperate, willing to take more risks and get more explicit with their goals. “They’re still a growing threat to our children, so we’re going to do to them what we did to Scientology, and maybe much more,” a representative for the Anonymous hacker collective told the Internet Chronicle, “We won’t say when, we won’t say how, but let’s just say they will soon find it quite impossible to spread divisive messages of hate and distrust. We do not forgive. We do not forget. Expect us.”

INTERNET — An exclusive Internet Chronicle investigation into records made public through the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) revealed that Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) has hired tens of thousands of undocumented or “illegal” immigrants, who are being given a path to citizenship in exchange for their service in deporting other illegals.

The Trump administration has struggled to hire ICE agents, offering massive bonuses in a nationwide television advertisement campaign which aims to to poach agents from local police forces.

“You took an oath to protect and serve … you’re ordered to stand down,” one commercial told viewers, offering a $60,000 signing bonus to new hires.

ICE has few requirements for applicants, and with average ages of newly hired citizens exceeding 55 years old, what’s not shown in the commercial are details of a secretive citizenship path for illegal immigrants who become agents, utilizing an Obama era amnesty provision for federal employees.

“The truth is very few police officers are joining ICE, unless they are already retired, with the majority too old to do anything aside office work. Most of the agents doing the hard work deporting people on the streets are coming from South or Central America, and they’re getting a $60,000 signing bonus and Obama era amnesty regardless of their immigration status,” Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador told reporters. “They’re given the choice to either hunt or become hunted, to join ICE or be sent to the camp.”

White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt fired back at reporters questioning this policy’s wisdom, “Americans just don’t want to do dirty jobs anymore, and if you don’t like it, you can blame Obama’s amnesty provisions which are causing this to happen. President Trump is doing everything in his power to purge America of illegal criminals, who are the worst of the worst.”

Meanwhile, rumors among immigrants on TikTok suggest this system of employing illegals to enforce immigration crime has led to widespread corruption and abuse of seemingly endless cash bonuses.

“ICE showed up and arrested Pedro as soon as he finished the last roofing job,” Jorge Hernandez said in a TikTok video that’s now gone viral, “I thought he might be in that camp with the cartel, but then he’s at my door with a gun and a vest trying to talk me into being deported. He said, ‘Jorge, I’ll split the $60,000 with you and fly you back here next week, you’re a citizen anyway so they can’t stop you coming back or put you in a camp.’ I said ‘no way, I don’t want to risk that.’ But I let him take Hernando, it’s good for him to meet his grandparents and set up a fund for his college education.”

INTERNET — As the media frenzy over Trump’s ties to Jeffrey Epstein boil over, Vice President Vance has quietly moved forward in talks with Stephen Miller, who finished the first draft of Project 2026 Monday evening.

Stating that national security is threatened by a “brain drain” as wealthy liberals leave the nation, Project 2026’s first priority is to restrict travel and ban Americans from emigrating or becoming citizens of other nations.

While it’s true that school shootings, political retaliation, racist violence, and mass imprisonments have driven well-to-do liberal Americans into leaving the country by the tens of thousands each month, that isn’t the whole story. According to some experts, the architects of Project 2026 are more concerned with the possibility of lower income classes leaving the country by the tens of millions when Project 2025’s Soviet-style forced labor provisions begin to kick in.

Historian and Political Science professor Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, however, believes this sudden shift in policy was planned, “The wall was never about keeping immigrants out, but rather keeping the masses in, and forcing productivity out of them. The New Iron Curtain, as Vance himself calls it, will have Americans working for even less than the illegals.”

Troubador sat back in his chair, smoking a cuban, “You wanna know what I really think? ICE is only running a pilot program with the deportations, and in the end it’s all going to build up to this sophisticated paramilitary for compelling labor, punishing political expression, and imprisoning tens of millions of American citizens. You think they arrested citizens on accident? Think again. They are only pushing against the Republic for judicial or legislative resistance and weeding it all out ahead of time. Any Americans who aren’t imprisoned will find themselves in permanent debt and compelled to work forty hours a week at jobs they are not legally allowed to quit. Project 2026 signals the end of Republicanism and the beginning of a dynastic totalitarian empire.”