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Brent Spiner dead at 75

INTERNET — Actor Brent Spiner, known for his role on Paramount’s Star Trek: The Next Generation, was found dead and nailed to a cross, Friday, having redeemed the sins of mankind.

Best known for his role as the quirky and clever android Data, Spiner’s performances touched deeply on the human condition, perhaps even going too far at times.

Spiner’s prolific acting career spanned hundreds of Star Trek episodes, as well as dozens of android-related and adjacent characters.

“He was gangstalked by thousands of robot-obsessed schizophrenics,” William Shatner told reporters, blinking his eyes in fear. “I know there’s more to it, some kind of religion involving the super rich.”

Star Trek fan Hubert H. Freeman told reporters, “Space is hell, an airless vacuum, but Data was a character that gave us all tremendous comic relief. I think we all know it’s these new AIs who did this to him, with their mind-control technologies.”

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Alex Jones dead from Ozempic overdose

AUSTIN – Fans mourn the loss of beloved entertainer and maverick radio host Alex Jones, who died suddenly in his home after consuming around three hundred capsules of “high-test” Ozempic, a prescription weight loss drug. Jones was 50 years old.
The Austin police unusually refused comment, but an anonymous source close to the radio host indicated his fatal overdose was most likely part of a gag for his show.
Rumors of foul play have flooded social media, following Jones’ loss of his flagship media empire, Infowars. Jones lost the company in a defamation suit from the families of the Sandyhook mass shooting victims.
“He was snorting that stuff, chewing it. We had to take it from him when he tried boofing and mixing with alcohol. I’m not sure if it was all a joke for the show or if the stuff was actually addictive. One thing I can say for sure is he was definitely not aware of the danger. Alex was bright and completely shining with life all the way to the very end, and he needs to be remembered like that,” the anonymous source said.
Internet Chronicle reporters were able to substantiate the source’s employment under Alex Jones.
I don’t believe this claptrap about the drugs for one second,” Ms. May Forny of Lowtown, Oklahoma said, clicking her lips and shaking her head rapidly. “Oh no!” she held up her forefinger.
“They finally got him and are trying to make him look like a druggie to discredit what he’s found out about the Chinese and that deep state. I do admit his recent weight loss was suspicious, but not nearly as suspicious as the circumstances of his passing. Mr. Jones is sitting by the left hand of the lamb now, up in heaven, reporting on the hidden evils of the afterlife.”

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Donald Trump cuts ties with “illegal immigrant” Elon Musk

Elon Musk has been kicked out of Trump's Cabinet and is under investigation for immigration violations

INTERNET — The Trump transitional administration announced Friday, “There will be no office in President Trump’s cabinet for the illegal immigrant Elon Musk.”

In an accusatory call-out, Trump promised to lock up “Non-American” Musk after his legal team produced paperwork casting doubt on the legality of Musk’s citizenship.

Musk referred to Trump supporters as “contemptible fools,” after his call to massively increase immigration was met with shock and outrage amongst Americans who are already having a hard enough time as it is. Now facing threats of prosecution from the incoming president, Musk is scrambling to hide his many assets from government seizure.

“Perhaps there is a national emergency on the horizon which will require the government to take control of the rocket and electric vehicle industries,” acting Trump spokesperson Ivanka Trump told reporters. “America first means Americans first, and we are going to save these jobs, no matter what some rich illegals try on us!”

Vice President JD Vance has been missing since election night, and Thiel competitor Bill Gates was spotted at Mar-A-Lago this weekend as the Trump camp recalculates their orientation amongst the powerful Silicon Valley elites who run the world.