Author: Kilgoar

axisflip cryptofinancial

Categories
Uncontrollable Patriotism

ISIS t-shirts trigger investigation at Virginia School

At least fifty local teens bought ISIS t-shirts through a local distributor who purchased the shirts directly from ISIS.

INTERNET—More than 40 teens at Hidden Vale High in Roamoke Virginia were sent home Thursday for wearing offensive pro-ISIS t-shirts, which police traced through a local flea market back to ISIS. Principal George Glevins told reporters at an impromptu press conference, “These students were mostly wearing the t-shirts in irony and didn’t understand that they were supporting terrorists both figuratively and financially, and they were glad to be rid of the shirts once they knew what they were. I can chalk almost all of the mess up to natural youthful rebellion, but there might be something more here.”

Glevins stunned parents and reporters by adding that the Department of Homeland Security would embed agents in classrooms for the rest of the semester to investigate possible terror threats, saying, “I want everyone to be hypervigilant. If your kids are too private or spend too much time with friends, you should look into it. Asking questions isn’t enough — don’t assume you know your kids or what they do with their time. I’ve approved the ongoing investigation of all students involved in supporting ISIS, but we need your help if we’re going to be truly safe instead of sorry. As an extra measure of caution, I’ve asked the school board for weekly active-shooter drills and armed guards around the clock.”

One student spoke under the condition of anonymity, “Who cares if we sent a few bucks to ISIS? I’m actually glad. Our parents are paying thousands to kill them and whoever else they want to kill every year, and our parents are so stupid. I want my ISIS shirt back because it brought all the constant wars home for me.”

axisflip cryptofinancial

Categories
Entertainment

MEL GIBSON ABDUCTED BY ISIS

Mel Gibson was abducted by ISIS early Tuesday morning.

SAN DIEGO—Friends say Mel Gibson disappeared late Monday night after taking a drive through southern California. Tuesday evening, a video purportedly appeared on YouTube showing Mel Gibson, bound and kneeling in front of an ISIS banner and wearing an orange tunic. The video was quickly removed from YouTube as it purportedly showed ISIS heavily mutilating the Mad Max 2: Road Warrior actor’s face.

Police say they have electronic evidence that Gibson’s phone traveled into Mexico shortly after the abduction. Chief Jeff Gorlin of the San Diego police told reporters at an impromptu press conference, “Thanks to the NSA, we have strong evidence that Mel Gibson was taken to the hideout of a previously unknown ISIS sleeper cell somewhere on the Baja peninsula. We believe ISIS hired the infamous Zetas drug cartel to carry out the abduction and defeat our border security, but that’s all I can say right now.”

In Australia and the US, fans of Mel Gibson flooded the streets to hold public vigils and prayers. Pastor Ann Haliday of the Church of Christ in Salem, Utah, told reporters as her congregation gathered outside the local movie theater, “The Passion of the Christ is the only good movie America’s had in a century of moviemaking. God is watching over Mel Gibson, and we are praying for him.”

axisflip cryptofinancial

Categories
Obituaries

Hacktivist ‘Weev’ found dead in Lebanese gutter

Fans mourn and celebrate the loss of Andrew ‘Weev’ Auernheimer who was found dead Monday Morning.

BEIRUT—The puffy, bruised corpse of Andrew Auernheimer, known to fans as ‘Weev’, was pulled out of a drainage channel in Beirut early Monday morning. He was last seen clubbing on a rooftop, huddled in a corner and laughing with a group of friends at his laptop Sunday evening before disappearing into the night.

Weev recently served two years in prison on false charges pressed by AT&T after exposing — and not creating — a gaping security hole in their iPhone network. Weev fled the US for Lebanon because he feared a legal loophole that would undo his constitutional protection against double jeopardy, and Lebanon does not extradite to the US. Telecom analyst and legal expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “When you are a persistent threat to a big corporation like that and they’ve exhausted all the legal methods at their disposal, that’s when they take out the cheap and dirty options, and it doesn’t matter where you run or hide.”

Many former supporters and friends of Weev grew enraged over the weekend after one of Auernheimer’s trademark inflammatory opinion pieces percolated through social media, finally revealing the actual truth behind his hard-right White Nationalist beliefs. Previously, supporters had smirked at what they considered Auernheimer’s magnificent trolling, but now they believe that he authentically holds views that they cannot reconcile with their personal brand of left activism. Laurie Penny, rising princess of British Feminism, said that she now perceived Weev was “Not a figurative fascist. An actual one.” Molly Crabapple, whose politically-charged artwork inspires revolution everywhere, said she “Misjudged sincere belief as trolling.” One of Crabapple’s prints, titled “#OpPornPixie” was found plastered to the wall just one block from Weev’s corpse, leading some to speculate that he was murdered by an outraged Molly Crabapple fan.

Rumors that Weev was collaborating with Islamofascists circulated over the weekend also, leading yet others to speculate that Weev was categorized as a terrorist and, meeting all the parameters for execution without trial, was beaten and killed by special agents from the US government. Dr. Troubador speculated, “No one will ever know who got to Weev because so many people were gunning for him, and they did what appears to be a typical, clean job.”