Fans mourn and celebrate the loss of Andrew ‘Weev’ Auernheimer who was found dead Monday Morning.
BEIRUT—The puffy, bruised corpse of Andrew Auernheimer, known to fans as ‘Weev’, was pulled out of a drainage channel in Beirut early Monday morning. He was last seen clubbing on a rooftop, huddled in a corner and laughing with a group of friends at his laptop Sunday evening before disappearing into the night.
Weev recently served two years in prison on false charges pressed by AT&T after exposing — and not creating — a gaping security hole in their iPhone network. Weev fled the US for Lebanon because he feared a legal loophole that would undo his constitutional protection against double jeopardy, and Lebanon does not extradite to the US. Telecom analyst and legal expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “When you are a persistent threat to a big corporation like that and they’ve exhausted all the legal methods at their disposal, that’s when they take out the cheap and dirty options, and it doesn’t matter where you run or hide.”
Many former supporters and friends of Weev grew enraged over the weekend after one of Auernheimer’s trademark inflammatory opinion pieces percolated through social media, finally revealing the actual truth behind his hard-right White Nationalist beliefs. Previously, supporters had smirked at what they considered Auernheimer’s magnificent trolling, but now they believe that he authentically holds views that they cannot reconcile with their personal brand of left activism. Laurie Penny, rising princess of British Feminism, said that she now perceived Weev was “Not a figurative fascist. An actual one.” Molly Crabapple, whose politically-charged artwork inspires revolution everywhere, said she “Misjudged sincere belief as trolling.” One of Crabapple’s prints, titled “#OpPornPixie” was found plastered to the wall just one block from Weev’s corpse, leading some to speculate that he was murdered by an outraged Molly Crabapple fan.
Rumors that Weev was collaborating with Islamofascists circulated over the weekend also, leading yet others to speculate that Weev was categorized as a terrorist and, meeting all the parameters for execution without trial, was beaten and killed by special agents from the US government. Dr. Troubador speculated, “No one will ever know who got to Weev because so many people were gunning for him, and they did what appears to be a typical, clean job.”
Why is everybody so upset by this run-of-the-mill Nazi?
GAZA—People flee the United States after being wrongly imprisoned all the time, many after facing false charges stemming from a big telecom company’s sheer hatred.
Maybe they just posted something negative online about the telecom company or got frustrated in their hellish phone labyrinths. But Weev is one of the tens of thousands of people in exile from telecoms who we’ve actually heard about, and he’s moved to Gaza to join Hamas — all because while in prison he faced a brainwashing scheme instituted by AT&T’s corporate prisons that pulled a nasty double-trick on him.
Don’t believe it? Snowden’s released a “Bonus Round” of secrets hacked from the CIA. Firstly, hired actors surrounded Weev in his prison and forced him to believe that the too-liberal US government was primarily to blame for the deplorable conditions of all things, radicalizing his beliefs. Of course, the type of anti-government beliefs forced into Weev are the dominant belief system of the majority of people in the United States and he already believed it a little bit, so it did not take very much brainwashing to push it to the level that it triggered his nervous flight from the country to its worst enemy.
Snowden’s Bonus CIA leaks showed that the CIA calls this kind of expatriation the “Devil’s Mark,” and it is one of the best indications that the brainwashing has set in to the point of complete control. Weev fled to join Hamas in Gaza at the height of a wave of Islamophobia and received his “Devil’s Mark,” just as Lee Harvey Oswald received his, fleeing to the Soviet Union at the height of McCarthyism.
As every American is taught in public school, at the advent of World War 2 the US suffered from an immense technological disadvantage with its enemies in Germany and Japan. However, the US was not too far from many of the worst aspects of Nazi ideology.
Power was more than ever concentrated in the top executives and many states instituted Eugenics laws which euthanized thousands of rural Americans, who were often deemed retarded and euthanized just for speaking in their local dialects or for their traditional American subsistence farming economies outside of the dominant capitalist and education systems.
This was a genocide of the true indigenous European American race. Few of the old whites survived, and many that did were only brought into the dominant system by other means. Perhaps Weev is one of the last, but he seems so much more one of these scary new nightmare “whites” obsessively homogenized through government human spaying and neutering programs. Who’s to say if that’s more or less sinister than the system in Nazi Germany?
We all know that Christianity made a taboo of usury and in a sense determined that bankers must be Jewish, and then in Germany they turned to their version of a mass produced eugenics system to pump up capital and homogenize their culture. It’s violent means for the same ends, a near mirror-image, the only difference being circumstances and degree. The Japanese Americans were prepped up good for a final solution in case things went bad, but things went okay where they didn’t in Germany.
The two most heavily charged third rails in American politics are, tellingly, Nazis and Muslims. Nazis are America’s evil twin, and to be like a Nazi is not even an outlandish thing in the white United States — even the most liberal-seeming commenters are reformed Nazis shedding stern white tears. It is only unacceptable to label oneself a Nazi. And Islam is another mirror-image demon phenomenon. As far as doctrine, geography, literature, social organization, and so on and so on, Christendom and the House of Islam are two feuding siblings, opposites only in their own perception and near-twins to everyone else. Of course it wasn’t enough for the brainwashers to emphasize Weev’s anti-semitism and anti-Christianity by sending him off to Gaza, they had to take it a step further.
Through their mock-prison brainwashing program, they made him into a self-declared Heathen (A parody religion based on Christian literature recounting Heathen oral traditions) which is in the eyes of Americans far worse and even more opposite of Christianity than Islam (Islam is arguably less theistic and more rational than Christianity as its central figure, Muhammad, does not mix the divine with the human (Is the Angel Gabriel God’s sex avatar, doing unimaginably powerful and strange things to a virgin?!))
The feds did a hell of a number on Weev in his fake prison, and whether they performed a kind of political deactivation or set him up to be the cyber version of Lee Harvey Oswald, the world is yet to see.
The Caliph of the Islamic State issued a Fatwa against Reddit.
INTERNET—Caliph Ibrahim al-Badri al-Samarrai of the Islamic State issued a Fatwa against Reddit after a user known as “jewishvirgin” posted an insulting depiction of the prophet Muhammed.
The founder of Islam was drawn crudely as a pig defecating rainbows, his face covered in phalluses.
Pigs are not eaten by adherents to most Islamic traditions, and Christians have demonized Muslim leaders with accusations of homosexuality since the medieval age. The Caliph promised to hunt down and behead any Redditors captured within the Islamic State’s territory.
Other more moderate Islamic clerics and Christian religious leaders denounced the cartoon, expressing outrage at Reddit’s snide and divisive humor.
Emir Ibn-Al Rahman told reporters, “The Islamic world is more angered and outraged by ISIS than the Christian world, and this kind of a thing only further divides Christians and Muslims.”
Pope Francis grew angry when commenting on the cartoon, even growling as he said, “I’ve reactivated the inquisition, and any Catholic who shares or promotes this material or anything like it will find themselves excommunicated.”
Internet sociologist and expert on trolling culture, Dr. Cecilia Darwin, said, “Such offensive humor used to be relegated to more seedy corners of the Internet such as 4chan, but it seems Reddit has increasingly grown into a hate machine beyond anyone’s wildest imagination, perhaps officially ushering in an age of ceaseless religious wars that will be increasingly spurned on by trolls.”
Shifting her glasses and shaking nervously, Dr. Darwin added, “They should know that conflict trolling is no laughing matter, and that people will die because of this harmful joke.”
UPDATE: After news of the Fatwa reached moderators of /r/funny and /r/WTF, the offensive threads and links to the image were removed from Reddit.
