Author: Kilgoar

INTERNET—Former Nickelodeon child actress Amanda Bynes came back to Twitter Friday, giving fans more of the floundering former child star peep show than they bargained for. Bynes told the masses:

“My dad was verbally and physically abuse to me as a child . . . He called me ugly as a child and then asked me if I wanted to have sex with him and i did not know how to respond I said no. My dad fondled himself in front of me so many times that i started recording him on my phone in hopes of catching him. My mom knows that my father’s literally and physically incestual towards his own daughter and the fact that she never called the police on Him embarrasses me to no end. I cannot hear the sound of His incestually charged voice ever again and I’m just being honest. So call me what you want but please do not call me crazy or insane because that’s a joke.”

Earlier, Byne continued her campaign of lawsuit threats to tabloids who depict her as ugly and crazy, as well as announcing her engagement, tweeting, “I am getting married and my boyfriend and I are going to be on the cover People magazine.”

Surveillance footage of Bynes dancing while shopping “went viral,” Friday, perhaps triggering the latest flood of tweets. Bynes was mostly absent from Twitter since her drug-addled breakdown last year, but her return has fans of child actress voyeurism in spasms of orgasmic pleasure as they integrate the new twisted aspect to the child star’s family life.

EDIT! Amanda Bynes unveiled that these tweets were all part of a master troll. Her troll was wrapped in a hilarious “tinfoil” joke that’s now common fashion for participants of the online idea (can’t arrest it) of Anonymous. Referencing a common brain-invasion theory, Bynes revealed that the risky deception to slander her parents was the result of a “brain chip” that her dad surgically installed into her at an early age. Bynes may have also been slyly referencing the character Angela, from William Gibson’s Count Zero, who similarly had a chip installed in her brain by billionaire parents a chip to enhance her intelligence.

SAN DIEGO—Friends say Mel Gibson disappeared late Monday night after taking a drive through southern California. Tuesday evening, a video purportedly appeared on YouTube showing Mel Gibson, bound and kneeling in front of an ISIS banner and wearing an orange tunic. The video was quickly removed from YouTube as it purportedly showed ISIS heavily mutilating the Mad Max 2: Road Warrior actor’s face.

Police say they have electronic evidence that Gibson’s phone traveled into Mexico shortly after the abduction. Chief Jeff Gorlin of the San Diego police told reporters at an impromptu press conference, “Thanks to the NSA, we have strong evidence that Mel Gibson was taken to the hideout of a previously unknown ISIS sleeper cell somewhere on the Baja peninsula. We believe ISIS hired the infamous Zetas drug cartel to carry out the abduction and defeat our border security, but that’s all I can say right now.”

In Australia and the US, fans of Mel Gibson flooded the streets to hold public vigils and prayers. Pastor Ann Haliday of the Church of Christ in Salem, Utah, told reporters as her congregation gathered outside the local movie theater, “The Passion of the Christ is the only good movie America’s had in a century of moviemaking. God is watching over Mel Gibson, and we are praying for him.”