Author: Kilgoar

BEIJING — Heartbleed, the most dangerous state-crafted cyber weapon since stuxnet, is a virus that infects nearly every device connected to the internet, and it was crafted by the NSA as an offensive weapon according to a statement from Chinese President Xi Jinping.

Heartbleed designer and government contractor Kevin Mitnick corroborated President Xi Jinping’s statements, saying, “All the spyware, malware, and adware floating around in the internet is damn near enough to crash domain name servers everywhere and there’s no fixing it without a rapid change in internet protocol infrastructure. If that wasn’t bad enough, there’s this invisible layer underneath tcp/ip that the NSA built hardware installed post-manufacture has been masking. If we don’t reign the NSA in, computers will never get faster and crawl to a near stop. I was on project Heartbleed and let me tell you, airplanes could fall out of the sky at any second if something isn’t done soon.”

Edward Snowden, left out of the limelight for once, issued a statement which said, “Kevin Mitnick was arrested and turned decades ago. He is a shill and I have the Power Points to prove it. If I were you, I wouldn’t pay so much attention to his point of view because it’s been compromised. Here in Russia, I have the freedom to say things that aren’t influenced by the US government’s geopolitical interests.”

OLYMPUS MONS — Final and incontrovertible proof of intelligent alien life was photographed by Nasa’s Mars Curiosity Rover, Tuesday, and even the most skeptical scientists are hailing it as the biggest scientific discovery in the history of mankind.

Aliens remembered only as the Nephilim in Hebrew texts or the Annunaki on Mesopotamian clay tablets intervened at the birth of human civilization and built stone monoliths that may have once acted as glowing navigational beacons. Because of several millennia of weathering, these beacons no longer emit light, but it appears the beacon photographed by Curiosity is still glowing even today, emitting its hyper-radiant superliminal telemetry to the center of the fallen Annunaki empire.

As a fringe colony of the Annunaki’s galactic empire, Earth was one of the few planets that did not adopt the Annunaki’s administrative and organizational patterns when the ruling Annunaki elites abandoned the colony. Because of this, Earth has suffered thousands of years of barbarism, infighting, and economic instability which has left humanity completely open to alien invasion. The Annunaki’s legacy, however, is visible today as a clear strain cutting through myth and art across the globe, pointing to an ancient history when Earth was a remote outpost of the civilized galaxy.

INTERNET — Mike and Frank of American Pickers, the world’s most popular on-screen gay couple since Laurel and Hardy, have been granted a legal marriage and plan to artificially inseminate Danielle, who will give birth to their new family. Until then, the couple are bound by their love for antiques and are fostering several children from the local orphanage.

Frank told reporters, “We are so glad to be married and we just love the kids. Now that we’re loud and proud about our love, me and Mike couldn’t be happier. We’re going to take the kids out on more picks and show them the ropes. It’s great. Just great.”

Mike, enthused as always, said, “The kids are killer. I’ve got them using their cute little charm to break the ice and talk down prices on all kinds of antiques. Especially bikes and motorcycles. You won’t believe the stuff they found.”

Si Robertson, patriarch of the Duck Dynasty reality franchise and outspoken opponent of homosexuals, told reporters, “It just ain’t right these city boys on TV rippin’ nice country folk off with their slick little talk. In my mind a faggot ain’t a gay man, a faggot is a slick city boy. I just can’t abide faggots on my TV.”