Author: Kilgoar

INTERNET — Hacker Group Anonymous unveiled that NeoReactionarian Oligarchists in possession of an HBGary “Metal Gear” Persona Management propaganda system on Twitter are steadily brainwashing “Anarchists” into opposing police. The NeoReactionarians are a collection of billionaires with aspirations of building one world oligarchy based on scientifically derived algorithmic economic models regulated in the Cloud.

Already the NeoReactionaries have warehouses full of robotic “drone” style police equipment clogging their shelves, and abolishing the police is the only way for these industries to expand. HBGary offshoot Booz Allen Hamilton fell under similar allegations after orchestrating a “Snowden Psyop” aimed at taking down the NSA, and may now receive over 10 billion dollars in federal funding for their own privatized NSA-style datamining facility.

One Anonymous NeoReactionarian robot-manufacturing Billionaire smiled, “We’ve got enough non-lethal fast action tranquilizing dart turrets to equip all the public spaces in the nation. There will be no need for police, and the age of school shootings, public rapes, and so on will be over. We can’t run this economy on the whims of the average idiot, either, so the Robot Consortium is taking over and eliminating nearly all remaining democratic institutions. We’re even revoking all of the stock to the stockholders, if you can believe it! Just leave the economy in our robotic hands.”

There is an ancient Icelandic Saga, long considered a work of fiction but now backed up by some archaeology, about a young boy abducted by Vikings and taken from the native population of Nova Scotia during their logging expedition from Greenland. Gar the Skraelinger was probably an Algonquin, but he was raised as a Viking in Iceland. At 15, Gar joined the elite company of Sven Forkbeard and raided as far as Miklagard, or Constantinople. Here, Gar the Skraelinger participated on a brave attack on Roman soldiers which earned his company a compliment from the Roman Emperor and a lucrative job. Gar served in the first Varingian Guard, an elite marine attack force composed of only the fiercest Viking Warriors. It is also written that Gar converted to Christianity upon visiting the Hagia Sophia.

Little more is known about Gar, but it is recorded he died heroically defending his ship during a portage on return north. In Iceland, remains from shortly after Gar the Skraelinger’s time have been found in a Christian burial. These remains are preserved well enough to show some genes from a likely North American source. However, Norse genes were also found, leading some to theorize Gar may have fathered at least one child.

INTERNET — The world’s largest ever recorded Hurricane smashed into Indonesia on Friday, killing millions of inhabitants and washing entire islands into the sea. What little is left of the area received less than half the attention of last year’s Hurricane Sandy, which struck New York City, killing 285 precious American lives.

Angered climate scientist, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, responded to a media narrative framing the worst storm ever recorded as proof of climate change, “This in itself could never be some kind of proof for a general trend in the overall climate, especially one created by man. It is merely the first on record, and surely these increasing storms have no relations to a century of vigorous burning of much of this planet’s ancient forests and slime beds.”

Bono is planning a star-studded fundraiser in support of the few who are left alive after the worst catastrophe in human history. Donation Lines are already open — Text EternalStorm to 555 on your cell phone now to donate $555 and receive a commemorative 24 karat gold watch scavenged from the ruined islands.