Author: Kilgoar

INTERNET — Famed whistleblower Edward Snowden was hospitalized on Wednesday after falling ill from acute Polonium 210 poisoning. Snowden is widely recognized as a hero and a traitor for leaking sensitive information on American spying programs at the NSA. His leaks sparked several wiretapping scandals which embarrassed the United States.

Other prominent victims of Polonium 210 include Yasser Arafat and Alexander Litvinenko. Litvinenko, a former Russian intelligence whistleblower given asylum in the UK, was poisoned after accusing his superiors of ordering an assassination to secure political power. No one has ever been known to survive Polonium 210 poisoning. Because 97% of the world’s supply of the highly radioactive poison is produced in Russia, some experts pointed the finger at Moscow, blaming Vladimir Putin for ordering the death of Snowden.

INTERNET — The famous computer researcher Kragos Ruyu tweeted this week about discovering a virus which rewrote itself through a kind of “sexual” interface with other malware, stealing random code and mixing it in tens of thousands of similar “offspring” viruses.

“This thing is like nothing I’ve ever seen, man,” said Kragos Ruyu. “I don’t know how it’s even possible, but it’s happening. Each new generation of virus seems to be smaller, more efficient, and more deadly. This may be the very end for the internet, at least as controlled by human beings.”

Ruyu’s startling discovery has not gone unnoticed in the field of biogenesis, which studies the birth of life in the non-digital world. Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, who studies emergent patterns in simulated computer systems, angrily denied Ruyu’s discovery, saying, “I just can’t believe his evidence, it’s insufficient. We’ve tried to create textured emergent life within computer environments for decades now and we believe it will take us several decades more. That this has happened, seemingly in the digital wild, is preposterous.”

Ruyu fired back at Troubador, ranting, “Militarized virus writing receives billions of dollars in funding around the globe and is the practical equivalent of Dr. Troubador’s so-called science. He better take a closer look at these organic programs and build a theory around that, before I do it first.”

Unlike in science fiction novel Snowcrash by Neal Stephenson, this “biological” virus remains digital and cannot, in fact, infect human beings, claims Ruyu.