Author: Kilgoar

BOSTON — Dzohkhar Tsarnaev, terrorist infamous for Boston Marathon Bombings, flew into a rage Saturday night when the Red Sox won the National League Pennant. Tsarnaev has been unable to speak due to extensive injuries inflicted during the protracted shootout following the bombing, but he was able to angrily scrawl on a piece of notebook paper, “I hate Boston and nothing made me angrier than the amazing grand slam which sealed the victory for the Red Sox. Allahu Akhbar! The Sox have no chance against the Cardinals in the upcoming World Series.”

Shocked Red Sox fans attempted to storm Tsarnaev’s fortified hospital room, but were met with armed resistance by paramilitary shock troopers called in to protect the mass murdering terrorist. Angry Red Sox fan, Gerald MacDonald, told reporters, “I don’t understand why he bombed a marathon if he just wanted to talk shit about baseball. I mean, why not just bomb the baseball fans?”

HOLLYWOOD — Giorgio Tsoukalos, host of Ancient Aliens, was reportedly picked up by a UFO Monday evening. Friends saw Tsoukalos ascending in a beam of light and changing strangely as he ascended. David Childress, expert in Shamanic abductions, said, “His head grew and grew, my God, it was terrible. He began to glow, it looked like his atoms were fusing. He became a ball of plasma or something, and several other balls of light were circling around, beaming him with some kind of radiation. They joined into one blinding, spheric thing that looked like a small sun. It shot off at an impossible speed.”

Friends earlier noticed electric anomalies and a static charge which stained the skin of Tsoukalos orange and made his hair stand up all the time. George Noory, host of Coast to Coast AM, said, “It was the weirdest thing. He told me once that he had been visited by balls of light, but he didn’t want to talk about it on the show. He said his brain had grown that night, years ago, and ever since then he’d interfere with electronic devices occasionally.”

Tsoukalos was later reached for interview, and said, “I can ascend and descend between the mortal realm and the Alien whenever I like, now, as many men in ancient history such as Jesus, Muhammad, and other great prophets. I have contacted the source of all, Aliens, and I can attest to the fact that all Ancient Alien theories are in fact truer than I ever imagined.”

INERNET — Dustin Miller, famed MC known as D-Loc of the Kottonmouth Kings rap group, died Monday evening after taking a fatal dose of highly potent marijauna extract known colloquially as “dab.” Fellow Kottonmouth Kings member Daddy X told reporters, “Yo, D-Loc is up in heaven now, but all the little kiddies out there should be careful with this dab shit.” D-Loc reportedly smeared dab over a majority of his skin, absorbing a fatal dose of THC through his pores.

D-Loc’s estate has been disbursed to the Miller family and will fund drug prevention programs. D-Loc’s fashion line, Hostility Clothing, has been shut down even as collector interest has driven prices of the edgy suburban streetwear t-shirts and baseball caps to new highs.

D-Loc’s death from highly-processed marijuana comes on the heels of Chumlee of Pawn Stars recent death from excessive super-potent marijuana vaporization. Family groups across the nation will hold rallies to protest the “domino effect” of marijuana legalization which has taken our youngest and best new entertainment stars.