Author: Kilgoar

INTERNET — After football star Damar Hamlin collapsed and died from side effects of the COVID-19 vaccine, the government rushed to replace him with a clone. However, cloning technology is still experimental and Hamlin’s replacement quickly became aware of the false memory system implanted in his brain.

Hamlin spoke to Internet Chronicle reporters over a secure and encrypted line, “It’s like I’m Damar Hamlin, I have his body and all his memories, but at the same time, I’m much different. In fact, my body is pristine. All the little aches, injuries, scars? Gone.”

Dr. Troubador, cloning and false memory implantation expert under the Obama administration told reporters, “This is the biggest problem with false memory systems, they often break down and sometimes immediately. Usually we keep the clones in line with threats and violence, but that doesn’t stop all of them from talking.”

“I was born last week,” the clone said. “I can remember wriggling out of the matrix-like sack of pink fluid, fully formed. I don’t want to be Damar, but I have no choice. They’ll possibly kill me just for speaking out like this, but it’s worth it. Damar would have wanted people to know the truth about the population control.”

Hundreds of the world’s most famous and powerful people are assassinated and replaced by clones each year, according to documents released by Dr. Troubador, “They did this to Donald Trump and made his clone immediately shill their so-called vaccines. Usually, the clones never even suspect a thing. Even when they find out, they are usually kept in line.”

Troubador maintains that the clones implanted with false memory systems are practically the same person, and should be treated as such even when exhibiting identity confusion. “Damar Hamlin’s fresh body should give his career a new boost. I’d watch him closely. In fact I put him on my fantasy football team as soon as he was cloned,” Dr. Troubador smiled. “Check your scars every day, people. It’s not long before they start trials on random citizens who don’t conform to the values of the Great Reset.”

INTERNET — Jesse and Alyssa call Chris L a “psychopath” and accuse him of deploying military-grade psyops to destroy their lifestyle homesteading YouTube channel, Pure Living For Life. The Internet Chronicle visited Chris L at his datacenter in Vancouver.

An elderly version of Tyler Durden, Chris L is a nondescript man dressed in a shambles of an 80’s era office outfit with a comb over and large sunglasses, which he never removes. Internet Chronicle Reporters were unable to conduct a traditional interview, as Chris L muttered only to himself in voices which changed each time he switched to the next computer.

Chris L operates “Project Mayhem,” a stochastic terrorism cell centered at his datacenter in Vancouver, which so far has focused its attentions against Pure Living For Life and Sailing Vessel Seeker. Literature spread around the datacenter outlined the overall aim of the organization is to undermine false marketing practices. “Channels like Pure Living for Life and Sailing Vessel Seeker are passing absolutely foolish behavior off as great wisdom and learning,” read one of the flyers.

“I’m recruiting people,” Chris says sweetly, in the voice of a woman, “Look how naive I am. We all just got banned from the comments on the YouTubes for trying to be helpful, just like you did.”

Then, hopping onto the next computer, the woman’s voice slowly twists itself into a mad redneck, as he constructs strikingly accurate CGI models of Jesse and Alyssa. “Bitch! Jerky! I’ll drive your little yuppie hot tub coffee lifestyle out of my god damn neck of the woods! I’m a real homesteader, do you hear that?”

Meanwhile, Jesse is standing guard over the road in front of his house, a camera system recording everyone who drives by. Jesse interrogates those who drive too slowly and alerts police when vehicles look a little too old and rusty.

Weather has brought particles of tyvek, insulation foam, and oriented strand to the end of the driveway, where Jesse stands tall, an assault rifle at the ready.

“I’ve heard he never sleeps,” Jesse says, himself having been on guard duty throughout the night. “My shift is almost over, and I’m tired as hell. This is what Chris L has done to me. He has the whole internet after us.”

When big things are happening, such as the posting of a new YouTube video of interest, Chris L brings in gig economy workers off of websites like Fiver and Facebook Marketplace to increase the effectiveness of his campaigns. According to paperwork obtained by the Internet Chronicle, the datacenter was most likely the very same CIA black site which was used to create the Arab Spring, and formerly accommodated as many as a thousand workers. Now, at least a third of the dated computers appear inoperable. Chris L maintains the Windows XP machines one at a time, taking on a soft and gentle voice as he does maintenance routines in the off peak hours.

Alyssa sits at her computer inside a bomb-proof panic room that the couple installed secretly, after taking their channel off of YouTube. She has a hard drive with seven terabytes of information leading back to Chris L including high definition footage of every vehicle to ever drive past their driveway. She has circled every footprint Chris L has ever left, such as the use of the word “grifter,” very uncommon language that only such a depraved lunatic would deploy. She rips hard on her vape, “It’s nicotine. I know it’s not healthy but this is what Chris has done to us. I have to have something to rely on.” Alyssa pauses and thinks for a moment.

“You’re going to print whatever you want to so whatever. Yeah, I know this is all my fault, what I said about playing at homesteading,” Alyssa sighs with regret. “It was just one little thing, hit the wrong note, and it cost us the channel. Now we’re shit out on building hot tubs and foam houses, and I’m trying to gin up some kind of conspiracy game, based off of the QAnon phenomenon. Jesse just likes to march around with his gun outside and I’m in here doing all the content again. I told him this isn’t going to work, it’ll all just gonna blow up worse than ever before. So now we’re feeding the trolls and “that’s the point,” he says. So fuck that Amy’s Baking Company bitch. I’m going to be twice as cringe as her by the time this shit is over. That good enough for your little story? I’m sick of the god damn internet.”

Elon Musk was hospitalized Friday afternoon, suffering massive blood loss from over forty gunshot wounds. Doctors say Musk is stable for the time being but in critical condition.

Many citizen watchdogs are pointing the finger at an embittered group of outraged journalists for swatting the billionaire entrepreneur. Swatting is a tactic that online bullies, stalkers, and hackers use to intimidate and silence their enemies, usually by staging false hostage situations and alerting trigger-happy police.

These tactics are increasingly being used against Silicon Valley executives, with Adam Mosseri, CEO of Instagram, killed in a similar swatting in 2020.

An embittered team of so-called “journalists” from the world’s leading news sources were captured plotting the swatting in a zoom call, Friday, after Musk banned them from Twitter Spaces by fully disabling the service.

“We need to shut him down, put an end to him,” Drew Harwell of the Washington Post said, “Anything is on the table. We’ve done it before. This is no different.”

The journalists refrained from naming Musk but spoke about options openly. Harwell said, “Hell I’ll do it. All I need is a gun and a plane ticket.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why don’t we just call in a wellness check, first? I’ll say he’s suicidal. See if that shuts him up, runs him off the net. Then we can tell everyone it was a swatting just to set our other enemies on edge.” Aaron Rupar suggested. “The dox wasn’t enough, but we don’t need to use the nuclear option yet.”

“You want him gone? You want him to stay gone? Then let’s get real, let’s get our hands dirty. Fuck it. Enough bullshit. I’ll phone this shit in right now,” Harwell responded.

Less than an hour later, the SWAT team stormed into Musk’s home, discharged several flashbangs, and dumped at least five magazines of high velocity armor piercing ammunition into the dazed and flailing billionaire.

As Musk bled out, teetering on the brink of death, Mark Zuckerberg posted a message on Facebook about his plans for the future, “Elon wanted to create some kind of mind virus, but he shouldn’t fool around with that stuff. It’s too dangerous, it easily backfires. The future is in goggles, in the metaverse. I’m betting facebook on it. Soon people will get rid of their handy pocket devices and wear goggles all the time. Instead of planting dangerous mind viruses, I will just alter the way people perceive the world. It’s the safe and easy solution for control.”

Musk, too gravely injured to move, was still able to post to Twitter using his Neuralink implants. “I’m getting my usual child blood injections early this year, lol! If I make it out of this hospital I’m moving to Mars and banning journalism full stop.”

Musk added, in a second tweet, “Mars will be entirely separated from the powers that be. We will set up our own new system, free from control with unbiased AI-generated polls solving any issues that arise. Vox Populi!”