Author: Kilgoar

MOSCOW, Soviet Union — Edward Snowden, NSA leaker and expert hacker, sold four laptops full of the most secret documents containing, among much else, UFO technology and ocean-floor nuclear facility designs. The KGB, the Soviet Union’s premier security agency, paid Snowden $10 billion.

Capitalist leaders continue to lie in the faces of their wage slaves, who remain distracted by Capitalist media’s expert commodification of a backwards racial caste system, which has been in place for centuries.

The seafloor nuclear base plans have been hidden inside a micro-drone entrusted to Anna Chapman, the most famous female KGB agent from the USSR. She is romantically involved with Snowden, who has quickly forsaken his Capitalist family of Pigs and even accepted a hacking job with the KGB. Comrade Putin was overjoyed and used the “red telephone” to gloat to the effeminate President Barry “Barack” Obama and crack jokes at his expense.

Snowden’s UFO technology allowed Soviet scientists to quickly adapt SU-35 fighter jets for submarine operation. By analyzing the plans of American ocean-floor nuclear facilities, a single torpedo fired from an adapted SU-35 destroyed Capitalism’s greatest weapon.

INTERNET – The NSA held a press conference Friday, sending a stern warning to Congress about a new epidemic of computer generated child porn. “Because no children are harmed in the making of a computer generated video,” said a masked NSA spokesperson, “it does not therefore mean children will not be indirectly harmed by these videos.”

The NSA spokesperson repeatedly quoted serial killer Ted Bundy throughout the terrifying conference. He said, “Perhaps Ted Bundy said it best when he said, ‘I would keep looking for more potent, more explicit, more graphic kinds of material. Until you reach a point where the pornography only goes so far … where you begin to wonder if maybe actually doing it would give that which is beyond just reading it or looking at it.’ Here at the NSA, we believe this type of CGI porn is, as Ted Bundy once warned, going to send kids ‘down the road to being Ted Bundys.'”

“The CGI child porn is so widespread,” said the spokesperson, “that it is watched more than any other kind of porn and now comprises 40 percent of all porn viewed on the entire Internet.” During a slideshow at the press conference, the room fell deadly silent as stills from CGI child porn were shown (with ersatz genitals and prepubescent female chests fully censored). These images included scenes where orc-like monsters and wolves, rendered with the same reality as any creature in “Twilight” or “Lord of the Rings,” raped perfectly real looking children with cartoonish expressions of anguish and fear.

“The NSA will now be using its hardware, which has been inserted into every major hub of the Internet, to remove this pernicious menace not only from the United States’ networks, but from the entire Internet,” declared the spokesperson, “and the NSA will not be fielding any questions at this time.”

JERUSALEM — In what will surely be long remembered as the world’s greatest hacking exploit, Edward Snowden accessed God’s Gmail account through the use of PRISM. This comes on the heels of a bloody battle at the Dome of the Rock, where Vatican troops ousted Muslim invaders before Pope Francis declared Snowden Messiah. Earlier this week, Snowden released proof of Ultraterrestrial cities in the mantle of earth, HAARP assassinations, all-seeing SAURON spy satellites, and Muad’Dib’s Chemtrail Geoengineering.

God, according to documents released by Snowden, is a mechanic living in Cuthbert Georgia who goes by the name of Wilbur Mercer.

Snowden gleaned info from Mercer’s Gmail which allowed him to exploit a fundamental error in the laws of physics, giving him root access to Mercer’s system. Snowden quickly determined that our “universe” exists inside of a video game system which is owned and used by Mr. Mercer as a mere diversion from his more complicated world.

The press quickly descended on Mercer with questions about the real world. He responded angrily, “It’s hard to explain a universe with thirty seven dimensions to simulated people in a fake world with only eleven. Just leave me alone or I’ll restart the damn thing. I’m having a good time fixing cars and drinking shine, and I don’t care how this affects the meaning of your fake lives. The entire purpose of your universe is for me to get some kicks fixing cars. Now scram.”

Protesters who believed Mercer capable of also fixing the more profound problems of mankind gathered around his house but were quickly transformed into oak trees. Police in Cuthbert have issued a standing shoot-to-kill order for any pilgrims who seek to disturb God’s most important work. Mercer is currently restoring a ’57 Chevy.