Author: Kilgoar

MOSCOW — According to documents provided by Edward Snowden, a fleet of undercover prototype cars equipped with long-range neuroimaging sensors have been deployed by the NSA for initial testing. Each night, these cars carve carefully planned routes through urban and suburban centers, collecting detailed brain scans of sleeping citizens.

Snowden, from the Sheremetyevo airport, spoke with Internet Chronicle reporters, warning, “The NSA can determine whether your dreams indicate a subversive mindset, but they’re not yet at the point where this technology can interpret specific images or words. It’s still being tested, and it promises to be the most powerful tool yet for spying on American citizens. In dreams, people cannot censor themselves like they can while awake, so the NSA hopes this will help unravel even the most carefully hidden terror attacks.”

The long-range neuroimaging device works by focusing an intense beam of X-rays on the human brain, which is located by a specially tuned radar system. Pets and other animals are filtered out by a sophisticated computer system, and Snowden believes that the people tasked with driving these undercover neuroimaging vehicles may have no idea what they’re a part of, as the process is completely automated.

Google recently came under fire for a similar program, which collected information from wifi networks while allegedly photographing data for Google maps.

MOSCOW, Soviet Union — Edward Snowden, NSA leaker and expert hacker, sold four laptops full of the most secret documents containing, among much else, UFO technology and ocean-floor nuclear facility designs. The KGB, the Soviet Union’s premier security agency, paid Snowden $10 billion.

Capitalist leaders continue to lie in the faces of their wage slaves, who remain distracted by Capitalist media’s expert commodification of a backwards racial caste system, which has been in place for centuries.

The seafloor nuclear base plans have been hidden inside a micro-drone entrusted to Anna Chapman, the most famous female KGB agent from the USSR. She is romantically involved with Snowden, who has quickly forsaken his Capitalist family of Pigs and even accepted a hacking job with the KGB. Comrade Putin was overjoyed and used the “red telephone” to gloat to the effeminate President Barry “Barack” Obama and crack jokes at his expense.

Snowden’s UFO technology allowed Soviet scientists to quickly adapt SU-35 fighter jets for submarine operation. By analyzing the plans of American ocean-floor nuclear facilities, a single torpedo fired from an adapted SU-35 destroyed Capitalism’s greatest weapon.

INTERNET – The NSA held a press conference Friday, sending a stern warning to Congress about a new epidemic of computer generated child porn. “Because no children are harmed in the making of a computer generated video,” said a masked NSA spokesperson, “it does not therefore mean children will not be indirectly harmed by these videos.”

The NSA spokesperson repeatedly quoted serial killer Ted Bundy throughout the terrifying conference. He said, “Perhaps Ted Bundy said it best when he said, ‘I would keep looking for more potent, more explicit, more graphic kinds of material. Until you reach a point where the pornography only goes so far … where you begin to wonder if maybe actually doing it would give that which is beyond just reading it or looking at it.’ Here at the NSA, we believe this type of CGI porn is, as Ted Bundy once warned, going to send kids ‘down the road to being Ted Bundys.'”

“The CGI child porn is so widespread,” said the spokesperson, “that it is watched more than any other kind of porn and now comprises 40 percent of all porn viewed on the entire Internet.” During a slideshow at the press conference, the room fell deadly silent as stills from CGI child porn were shown (with ersatz genitals and prepubescent female chests fully censored). These images included scenes where orc-like monsters and wolves, rendered with the same reality as any creature in “Twilight” or “Lord of the Rings,” raped perfectly real looking children with cartoonish expressions of anguish and fear.

“The NSA will now be using its hardware, which has been inserted into every major hub of the Internet, to remove this pernicious menace not only from the United States’ networks, but from the entire Internet,” declared the spokesperson, “and the NSA will not be fielding any questions at this time.”