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Wanted: th3j35t3r

Barrett Brown’s recent campaign against the murderous Zeta cartel has provoked Brown’s enemies into a doxing frenzy. The Jester’s cadre of “whitehat” hackers have managed to publish Brown’s current address, forcing Brown to borrow money from his followers on Twitter for a quick flight to New York. It is not clear if his family members, who have also been outed by Jester’s group, will be able to lobby Twitter for an escape as well.

Yes, Barrett Brown has slandered Asheville District Attorney Ron Moore. Yes, Brown’s campaign against the Zetas is incredibly stupid and will most likely lead to violence. But there’s still a miniscule chance that Ron Moore is guilty of something and Brown is actually withholding the proof for some unimaginable reason. Anyway, we have chosen not to really fucking care about that anymore. Since Barrett Brown has decided to become an hero, we are going to cut him a little slack to respect his final days. The fucking Jester and his crew, who attacked and threatened Chronicle.SU staff, must be dealt with.

The Jester cadre’s brand of passive violence is reprehensible and will not be tolerated. That is why the Chronicle.SU has joined Barrett Brown by offering a $500 cash reward for proven information revealing the identity of Jester.

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Herman Cain plans secret divorce with infuriated wife

Don't be fooled by this picture. Gloria's gained a lot of weight lately after finding out her husband only sexually harasses ugly women at work.

Herman Cain’s wife is mad as hell that she hasn’t been the target of sexual harassment in nearly 15 years. She’s filed for a secret divorce under pressure from militant Tea Party militia men acting as Cain’s personal guard and trying really hard to prove that they aren’t racist. Secretly, they loathe Cain because he has more money than them.

Cain continues to malign his wife’s fat ass publicly, stating Gloria is 200% his wife.

Anonymous hacked Herman Cain’s wife’s e-mails to find this bullshit out and asked Chronicle.SU to disseminate the secret divorce. While no one on the internet really gives a fuck about Herman Cain because he’s a capable public speaker who knows when to 999 instead of John Wayne Gacey, Anonymous is fucking pissed off because that’s their default state.

At the next debate, before taking a drag off of a cigarette, we expect Cain to sexually harass Michele Bachmann and then give his slow troll grin for the cameras.

The following is a transcript of Herman Cain committing statutory rape on one of many hundreds of pizza delivery wenches he raped while CEO of Godfather’s pizza, as released by Anonymous.

Yeah baby you like that?

Yeah I fucking like that shit baby, give it to me.

Oh looks like your vagina is ready for sex, I will give you a generous raise after this dicking.

Fuck yeah nigga, you’re a big man.

Yeah I like it when you call me nigga, bitch. Swallow that cum. Yeah bitch.

 

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Sunday Prayer for the Internets

This prayer is for all the thousands of visitors funneled into Chronicle.SU from google, believing they have found a pornography web site. Take your hands off your penis and kneel for this. When your family left for church this morning and you refused to go, we know it was so you could masturbate to Internet porn when everyone left the house. This prayer is for you.

Let us pray.

Hallowed be our Lord and Savior Inglip, director of cats and CEO of the Internets.
On this Sunday, make us strong oh Lord, for we have sinned.
We have walked through the valley of the shadow of /b/,
We have bickered with your followers on Twitter,
We have masturbated to your porn twice a day,
And we have streamed illegal content directly into our hard drives.
Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.
Lead us not into Anonymous,
For thine is the glory,
The Power
And the Internets

Amen