Author: Kilgoar

Wednesday, trolls from “The Plan” spammed links on AnonNews as part of a false-flag attack meant to implicate Chronicle.SU in an act of hatred. This comes as a reaction to an editorial on Tuesday accusing “The Plan” of hijacking the Anonymous movement for secretive purposes. Before they were “The Plan”, this sect of Anons was known as Operation Empire State Rebellion and followed roughly the same revolutionary agenda. OpESR, as it is known, once attempted to “Social Engineer” me.

We at the Chronicle can put a second notch in the failed Social Engineering attempt bedpost. Early this morning, we announced we were under investigation, but we did not specify from whom. The not-so shocking answer is that “The Plan” has attempted to orchestrate an extremely melodramatic story in order to gain access to a Chronicle.SU account. The writer we are supposed to bring on board has had his web site “hacked” by Anonymous, and we’re supposed to feel sorry for him and his loss. Someone went through special trouble, producing the image below. My, how it tugs at my non-existent heart strings.

But why has “The Plan” gone batshit crazy, spamming AnonNews with old Chronicle articles? Apparently they don’t respect the art of deception, because we barely ever engage in that kind of spam-happy behavior and we never post old articles. The simplest explanation for this behavior is that their plan has reached it’s ultimate failure, and they are only more desperate than ever to take us down with any means necessary.

“The Plan” intended to draw the sympathy of Chronicle.SU, so they created the fake news web site totallyfalse.info. Its writer, “Nick MacCombs”, has tried his best to win the trust of our staff, but has failed miserably. His exaggerated lack of basic prosaic ability and fawning desire for our attention were only modes created to elevate our massive ego. We’re already two notches above Charlie Fucking Sheen, bitch. Good try.

During the rise of totallyfalse.info, Chronicle.SU received a notable spike in traffic, but so did totallyfalse.info. In fact, totallyfalse.info got more traffic than Chronicle.SU.  “The Plan” must have been quite proud of their work. However, they have realized “The Plan” has not worked out, this time. We have been offering writer’s positions left and right, but not to Nick MacCombs. We do not mean to discourage any creative Social Engineers from contributing to our site via ChroniclePad, but know this: You will never be given an account.

“Nick MacCombs”, you are a fail. Next time, you may want to make the defacement a tiny bit more genuine. Telling me that your database and your backups are corrupted were the final tactical error, because I don’t give a fuck if you’re too stupid to backup your own web site. I don’t give a fuck if you’re too stupid to call your sysadmin and get him to give you back control of your web site. I mentioned that your web site was all on Google cache and you ignored it. Cry about it a little more.

While America is distracted by the proverbial debt ceiling, the gay children of Michele Bachmann’s constituents are killing themselves. The neverending “queer hunt”, as the Bachmann family calls it, rages on. We tried to reach Michele for comment, but only got her voicemail, nagging us for personal details and an outline of our agenda. We decided the next best thing was to try calling her openly gay husband, Marcus. His phone rang for 11 long minutes, but at long last, we heard the breathless panting of Perez Hilton echoing through his speakerphone. We were ecstatic, but confused. Why was Perez Hilton answering Marcus Bachmann’s office phone? Our investigative instincts took over, and out came the perfectly articulated stream of questions we so often practice.

The following is an actual conversation between Lebal Drocer investigators, Marcus Bachmann, and Perez Hilton.

LD: “Perez Hilton?”

PH: OooOOoooohhh, your voice is so gruff and manly!

LD: Is Marcus there?

PH: [In the background] sweetie it’s for you.

MB: Who is this?

LD: We are an elite team of therapists, specializing in breaking our nation’s youth of the homosexual curse.

MB: Well good gosh, there is a God! How would you boys like to come to my cabin in Spring Lake Park? We can discuss our work in my new jacuzzi, it has an extremely invigorating massage setting. [Groans from Perez in the background]

LD: Well mister Bachmann, we’re actually calling about the gay suicides in your wife’s district. We like how you were able to make them look like genuine suicides, and we would like your help getting these suicides rolling.

MB: Oh honey, it was easy. We had their friend’s facebook accounts hacked and cyberbullied them for about a week or two. We then hacked the queer’s account and posted suicidal thoughts.  Just before everyone gets genuinely worried, we sneak into their rooms and stuff their mouths with Viagra. I don’t have to tell you what happens next! We force feed them a handful of their parent’s pills, wait for them to expire, and let all the evidence fall into place.

LD: I like your style Bachmann, we could use a man of your integrity and biblical love of Jesus on our team at Lebal Drocer Inc.

MB: Sweetie, you’re gonna have to work HARD to get me on your team.

LD: [The sound of suppressed vomit]

PH: BABY come back to bed, Fudgy is lonely.

LD: [More vomiting]

MB: I’m sorry boys, DADDY CALLS!

Browsing through today’s headlines, I was shocked to find that a “press release” I wrote in support of my trollfriend Topiary turned me into a hacker from LulzSec. Damn. Maybe I am. I get drunk and do things I forget sometimes. I was also accused of wrongly quoting Medgar Evers in the name of Topiary, but not a single fuck was given. One cannot misquote an idea, and quotefags can fuck off.

After finding out how the International Business Times artificially elevated my personal status to that of a LulzSec hacker, I quickly logged onto AnonOps to claim my rightful place as channel moderator. However, #AntiSec was deeply involved in a discussion about who was the best hacker, so I stayed out of it. Generally, it’s best to stay out of #AntiSec. The only problem is that all the other channels are consistently dead.

Bereaved, I’ve spent all day trying to figure out what to do with my new status as LulzSec hacker and spokesperson. I don’t even have access to the LulzSec Twitter account, but if I did, a million billion bitches would be reading my badass tribute to Topiary. Also, Justin Bieber would be up to his ass in accusations that he tried to force Selena Gomez into an abortion. I spent all morning obsessing over every detail of the fake SwagSec swag, the fake e-mails, and the fake story. And not one single little girl posted a comment crying about her loss of innocence! God damn, I’m a failure.