Author: Kilgoar

INTERNET — President Trump was “too sick” for his usual 36 holes of golf at Mar-A-Lago this weekend, and after testing positive for Coronavirus Sunday evening, the president was quickly put into quarantine.

This follows boisterous statements by President Trump that Coronavirus was a “fake news hoax” created by the media to destroy his presidency. Now that he’s reportedly suffering from acute pneumonia, White House physician Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador says they’re doing all they can to save the president’s life, “Mike Pence has already taken over the president’s daily duties, and we’re hoping for a quick and speedy recovery. I’ve sucked about a gallon of fluid out of his lungs already, using a special new technique I invented just for Coronavirus. It’s kind of like siphoning gasoline. He’ll be fine.”

Meanwhile, Trump supporters are panicking, seeking for any angle to spin the Coronavirus outbreak into a win for the Republican party.

“Trump ain’t sick. He’s just playing 5d chess,” said Hyrum Pleasant, of Hemp Patch Mountain, Virginia. “Maybe, just maybe this is a biochemical weapon sprayed on us by Chinese chemtrailists and if that’s the case Pence’ll nuke them back to the stone age.” Unsatisfied still with his own attempts at spin, Mr. Pleasant violently turned on the Internet Chronicle reporter, brandishing a pitted confederate sword ripped from its display on his mantle. “It’s you, you created this disease just so you could come out here and interview me, so you could kill off my president.”

Rumors that gay men are immune to Coronavirus are circulating on Facebook, but the CDC has warned that no one is safe. “The idea that COVID-19 targets only straight white males, or that Jewish people or LGBTQ people are immune has no basis in reality whatsoever.”

INTERNET — Fans mourn the death of “Gun Girl” Kaitlin Bennet Marieox, who passed away at the age of 24. Akron Ohio’s Coroner ruled the death an accidental alcohol poisoning. “Gun Girl” famously posed at the scene of the tragic massacre at Kent State University, wielding her Assault Rifle in an implicit threat to any who would challenge her glamorous liberty.

“She’s a heavy drinker,” said husband Joel Marieox, who found her deceased Saturday afternoon, following a long night of partying. “I never thought it could come to this. She was just so young and full of life.”

Fans and haters have have taken to social media, discussing details of her death. “I saw all those pictures where she passed out drunk and soiled herself, so I’m not surprised,” said one comment on twitter. “She’s really annoying. Like she just got up in people’s faces and tried to bother them. I’m not even a liberal and I still hate her.”

However, some supporters are disputing her ignominious death. “This didn’t happen by accident as the fake news media claims. She was so dangerous that the Antifa Dems took her out, shamed her like this,” tweeted PatriotForGod. “She stood up for our gun rights and you know what? They got to her. I’m sure of it.”

Akron police spokesperson Gerald McCarthy announced the department was conducting a routine investigatiion, but at the moment there are no signs of foul play.