"I'm really, really sick. Probably sicker than Rush."
“I’m really, really sick. Probably sicker than Rush.”
INTERNET — Just days after conservative talk radio host Rush Limbaugh announced his advanced lung cancer, fellow conservative pundit Sean Hannity announced he also has been suffering from a cancerous growth in his brain.
President Trump reportedly said, off-mic, “Sure, just line them all up, maybe have a parade. I got cancer medals for everyone now. Anyone else in here sick?”
Ann Coulter also jumped in with her own cancer announcement, telling listeners that she recently had surgery to remove a breast tumor. However, she has often disagreed with the president, slamming his plans for emergency funding of a border wall.
As usual, advisors tried to reign in Trump’s bizarre plans for a “cancer awards” parade. In one of the typical leaks to the press, an advisor said, “Not only is it a horrible break with tradition, but we believe it will make conservatives look sick and old.”
Trump has yet to back down from his cancer award parade idea, “Can we have tanks? I want tanks and missiles if you can get them.”
The world's most powerful nation, at long last captured by Robber Barons, has declared War on War, as well as on Iran.
The world’s most powerful nation, at long last captured by Robber Barons, has declared War on War, as well as on Iran.
INTERNET — Secretary of the Deep State Rudy Giuliani held a joint press conference with Iraqi President Barham Salih at the American Embassy in Iraq, Sunday morning, announcing that the Iraqi High Tribunal has opened an investigation into Joe Biden for corruption and filed formal charges.
Secretary Giuliani said, “We will make sure the Iraqi people are armed to the teeth, in fact you might say that a few clever arms deals were negotiated by President Trump himself.”
Fans of the president are split about the impending war with Iran, as Trump formerly campaigned as an isolationist.
Southern voter and arms manufacturer Gerald Whorly of Radford, Virginia said, “I know ‘thou shalt not kill,’ but look at the ‘conomy. I never claimed to be perfect. Neither did Trump.” Whorly and many other voters echoed the heretical prosperity gospel of Trump’s Spiritual Advisor, Paula White. The so-called prosperity gospel teaches that the ten commandments are secondary to financial gain — in Paula White’s own words, that “Jesus is from Satan.”
Militiaman Kirk Sammet of Deepsaw Montana opined, “Trump was great for a while but this is serious stuff. We’d be better off with Pence running the war, or really not having a war at all. Or if it is going to be a war, it needs to be a civil war, right here in America. That’d wake everyone up.” Sammet reclined, puffing his cigar.
Preacher Jordan Levitt of Raleigh, NC preached such a fiery Antichrist sermon that three elderly parishioners were hospitalized. “Paula White and other Satanists laid hands on Donald Trump in worship moments after he ignited his unholy final war, And they profanely used the word God in vain reference to our President. Oh, I believe Dear Leader is the chosen one all right, but he’s the other one, the Anti-Christ. In what Bible is Jesus a king of men? None! He is the king of kings! He’s out there right now, and I can feel it. He is coming to teach us something new, something beautiful, praise God. And Antichrist Trump would kill Jesus on fifth avenue and who would cry out in worship? Jesus lives! Jesus Lives! You’d better be ready. Jesus has risen again, Praise God!”
When audio surfaced of Donald Trump urging Billy Bush to “Grab [women] by the pussy,” many Christian leaders told their congregations this didn’t matter, what America needed and what voters wanted was a strong leader. At the time, Trump’s charisma, his forceful and effective use of simple language seemed to be just that, powerful leadership. Whether America agreed that illegal migrants were a raping murderous menace or not, whether they wanted to “build that wall” or “lock her up,” these simple, repetitive messages drew voters together for an electoral victory that surprised the nation.
Hillary has not been locked up, Trump has fairly or unfairly taken blame for “concentration camps” full of migrant children separated from their families, and he is now facing an impeachment alleging that he interfered with military aid to a war-torn ally to gain an advantage in the upcoming election. His presidency has faced scandal after scandal. The messages from him and his party are numerous and carry much of the simple, repetitive persuasive power that led to his election. However, they all portray the president as a victim, a man who cannot effectively carry out his duty and can only blame others for what is ultimately his failure to lead. It is the whining of a loser who has dismally failed the grandiose promise to Make America Great Again, and only a few of his supporters have the game sense to see his self-victimizing PR as more of the same a losing strategy. Ultimate fighter and longtime Trump supporter Derrick “Black Beast” Lewis told Trump at UFC 244, “I know everything ain’t going good in the White House, but you gotta turn that shit around in 2020.”
Presidents Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and Barack Obama were hated and mocked, like any other president, but they never made themselves into pathetic victims. Often Republicans will mock liberal ‘snowflakes’ who are so unique and special they victimize themselves for attention, but unfortunately they’ve elected a snowflake president who takes to twitter to victimize himself when he’s parodied on Saturday Night Live. Such profound weakness in a leader is itself enough grounds for impeachment.
President Obama faced incredible Tea Party opposition in the House, an unprecedented blockage of his power to appoint a Supreme Court justice, as well as repeated government shutdowns, but he did not harm his own stature with the kind of complaining, blaming, and whining media campaign that has been the Trump administration’s PR bread and butter. This victim stuff may score some points with a handful of his supporters, who also feel like perpetual victims and losers themselves, but it has built, brick by brick, an image of an increasingly weak and ineffective leader who looks less and less competent and able to do his job. Even Bill Clinton, who faced impeachment for precisely the same kind of womanizing that Trump was elected in spite of, did not lower himself or the dignity of his office with ludicrous cries of “presidential harassment.” One can scour the history books for poor leaders and not find a single figure as weak and divisive as Donald Trump.
I’ve spoken to some Trump supporters who concede that the president has failed to unite the nation, that he’s failed to project a powerful image of himself and America to the world. Inevitably, they point to a good economy and liken him to a wayward CEO — he’s there to make us money, and that’s what matters. Maybe this is the sacrifice voters thought America needed, the one Christ warned against when he said, “What profit it a man if he gain the whole world but in this enterprise lose his soul?” One may not believe that Trump attempted to cheat the 2020 election by abusing his office, or that this is even an abuse of power, or that a single word news media prints is true, but there should be no controversy on this point: The President has forfeited his soul. Those who still follow might find their soul, like his, foreclosed.
