Author: Kilgoar

President Donald Trump graced Fifth Avenue Thursday for the greatly anticipated shooting of “Human Scum” Mitt Romney. In a glamorous gold lamais suit encrusted with diamonds and holstering a beautiful damascened Confederate revolver once owned by Robert E. Lee, the president stoked the bloodthirsty crowd for the world’s first televised duel, “They’re worse than Dems, these Never Trumpers! You know what we used to do, what we’re going to do today?” The masses erupted in screams, like beatlemania.

Senator Romney arrived to the duel unarmed, handcuffed and somber, as his entire family watched on, shamed by the meaningless and honorless death at the hands of the Great and Wise Genius Donald Trump.

Post-duel polls showed that former Never-Trumpers were powerfully moved by the display of noble violence to near unanimous support for the President, finally eliminating the threat of “Dems” and their phony attempt to exercise their Fake Constitutional powers of impeachment.

After the fantastic duel, Trump pointed at the cameras, calling out Rap God Eminem, “You’re Next, Eminem. I heard what you said about My Ivanka, and MY police will bring you to Fifth Avenue next week, for another episode of Duels with the President.”

Television Critics hailed this shooting as the greatest moment on television. Neil Breitbart said, “Never before has a President dealt so handily with Human Scum!” Television ratings scales were readjusted to handle the massive numbers raked in by the premiere of Duels with the President, and Fox executives are in talks with Trump for a trillion dollar deal for next season, which may be filmed at Mar-A-Lago at taxpayer expense.

Fans speculate that in the ten-episode season this fall Trump will execute Chuck Schumer and other political enemies, leading up to a public lynching of Hillary Clinton or possibly Bernie Sanders.

INTERNET — In an exclusive tip, Internet Chronicle reporters learned that the Anonymous whistleblower at the heart of the President Trump’s latest scandal is none other than “QAnonymous,” an intelligence agent with the highest levels of security clearance. The Anonymous tipster, who claimed to be a personal friend of ‘Q’, also told Internet Chronicle reporters an explosive detail: Trump has referred to the now infamous national security computer system as his “Hillary Server,” and used it to hide hundreds of documents from the public. Included on Trump’s “Hillary Server” are several lurid phone call transcripts between the President and Jeffrey Epstein.

Before evidence against Epstein’s pedophile ring reached the general public — thanks to the diligent efforts of ‘Q’ and his online army of supporters, President Trump was meeting in secret with Epstein and his personal lawyer, Alan Dershowitz, discussing an arrangement by which Trump could pull strings to get the billionaire pedophile a “sweetheart deal” in exchange for help dodging the Mueller Investigation. At that time, even ‘Q’ wasn’t aware of Trump’s “Hillary Server,” and dismissed connections between Epstein and Trump like most intelligent people. However, after ‘Q’ gained knowledge of and access to the “Hillary Server,” a crisis of conscience caused him to file the whistleblower complaint.

Using a voice-changer to hide his identity, Q’s personal friend told Internet Chronicle, “Now I know as well as anyone that there’s no comms outside the boards, but ‘Q’ said this was The Storm. And I mean that, The Storm. I am not talking for him, and you’ll hopefully hear more from him on this soon, but this was just too important, too earth-shaking for me to keep to myself. ‘Q’ was practically doxed by the New York Times, and I fear for his life. I can assure you, The Storm is Here. Right Now. This is IT!”

Adding to the explosive claims, the tipster said, “It took three years for the elite globalist pedophile cabal to compromise Trump, but it looks like they finally got to him. Saw something on the Hillary Server about a deepfake piss tape, they held his ass over a barrel and had no choice. As for me and ‘Q’ you don’t have to worry. Give me Liberty or give me Death!”

President fans, cowering in their refugee-like encampment at Mar-A-Lago, celebrated as Trump announced there will be no Hamberders today, not even a cup of Covfefe. His tired vocal strains echoed through the Florida heat, “The dems have served over 1,000 nothingberders, so that’s what Patriots will eat today.” The cheers from fans lacked all enthusiasm, tired from years of strain. “We need to look into Barack Obama’s fake birth certificate, Hillary’s e-mails, and Joe Biden. I hereby announce that Nancy Pelosi is no longer Speaker of the House.”

“What did Joe Biden do again? Who’s the new speaker?” one President fan asked another. Rudy Giuliani’s spine snapped like a whip, and he barked at the confused man, “Shut up! SHUT UP! I’ll SUE you for LIBEL.”

Meanwhile on Capitol Hill, Democrat Representatives milled around their lobbies in anxiety, wringing their wrinkled greedy hands and asking themselves, “Is this impeachment stuff really going to please the paymasters?” Nancy Pelosi was seen crying in the halls, “But I wanted to be Speaker of the House! This isn’t FAIR.”

Meanwhile, under extreme duress and possibly drugged with some powerful barbiturate by President Trump’s goons, Ukraine’s President Zelenskiy announced that the hunt for Joe Biden is making headway, after confusion about the tit-for-tat agreement with Donald Trump. “We thought we had to kill Biden in exchange for the Javelin missile systems, but it turns out that was a mistake. Now we’re just killing him out of our own goodwill, and the Javelin missile systems are pretty great too.”

The Javelin missile system, which uses an advanced homing device, rockets high into the sky before screaming towards the earth at targets, such as battle tanks, whose armor are only designed to withstand projectiles launched on a horizontal trajectory. According to weaponry expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, “None of the Bidens can withstand a direct or indirect hit from the Javelin Missile System, nor can they escape it once it’s been launched, so their best bet is to hide underground in a guerilla tunnel network much like Tora-Bora.” However, talks are already underway as Ukraine seeks to procure Bunker Buster bombs to win the War on Biden.