Author: Kilgoar

President fans, cowering in their refugee-like encampment at Mar-A-Lago, celebrated as Trump announced there will be no Hamberders today, not even a cup of Covfefe. His tired vocal strains echoed through the Florida heat, “The dems have served over 1,000 nothingberders, so that’s what Patriots will eat today.” The cheers from fans lacked all enthusiasm, tired from years of strain. “We need to look into Barack Obama’s fake birth certificate, Hillary’s e-mails, and Joe Biden. I hereby announce that Nancy Pelosi is no longer Speaker of the House.”

“What did Joe Biden do again? Who’s the new speaker?” one President fan asked another. Rudy Giuliani’s spine snapped like a whip, and he barked at the confused man, “Shut up! SHUT UP! I’ll SUE you for LIBEL.”

Meanwhile on Capitol Hill, Democrat Representatives milled around their lobbies in anxiety, wringing their wrinkled greedy hands and asking themselves, “Is this impeachment stuff really going to please the paymasters?” Nancy Pelosi was seen crying in the halls, “But I wanted to be Speaker of the House! This isn’t FAIR.”

Meanwhile, under extreme duress and possibly drugged with some powerful barbiturate by President Trump’s goons, Ukraine’s President Zelenskiy announced that the hunt for Joe Biden is making headway, after confusion about the tit-for-tat agreement with Donald Trump. “We thought we had to kill Biden in exchange for the Javelin missile systems, but it turns out that was a mistake. Now we’re just killing him out of our own goodwill, and the Javelin missile systems are pretty great too.”

The Javelin missile system, which uses an advanced homing device, rockets high into the sky before screaming towards the earth at targets, such as battle tanks, whose armor are only designed to withstand projectiles launched on a horizontal trajectory. According to weaponry expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, “None of the Bidens can withstand a direct or indirect hit from the Javelin Missile System, nor can they escape it once it’s been launched, so their best bet is to hide underground in a guerilla tunnel network much like Tora-Bora.” However, talks are already underway as Ukraine seeks to procure Bunker Buster bombs to win the War on Biden.

Anonymous 2.0 has, under the leadership of Commander X, developed Artificial Intelligence Digital Guillotines which will ‘behead’ billionaires by simply deleting their assets. Commander X issued a press release that detailed the position of Anonymous 2.0 against many popular trends in activism which have been co-opted by moneyed influencers buying propaganda on the internet.

In defense of an ancient taboo which forbids visits to the supposedly divine realm on top of a barren volcano top, indigenous groups in Hawaii clash with SWAT teams. It has been centuries since the building of the first telescopes and defiance of such taboos disproved simplistic godlike entities either on mountains or in the sky. What twisted version of ‘leftism’ would open Mauna Kea to a backwards nobility along racial and religious lines rather than to the helpful university nerds with only the most sophisticated telescopes?

In a writing session for Star Trek, a black man recounts the racial slurs that were used against him, after which he receives a polite call from HR informing him that the use of the N-word is not permitted. Using politeness to silence those who would speak truth to power is a classic right-wing control freak angle, and I may even be caught feigning surprise at this slipping into a writing room for what was once the gold standard for the highest acceptable levels of ‘leftism’ on television.

Water protectors stand up for the universal solvent and against the titanic earth-shattering fossil fuel industry, hosed down by the life-giving liquid in the dead of winter, and yet still standing proud, ranks fortified by the Siberian polymer astroturf. In the final defense of this last sick strip of desert, after all else is stolen by the white man, the former ways of life are gone but not forgotten. Ancient people once slashed and burned whole forests, dressed in megafauna furs like anyone else, smoking those giant haunches on nightly piles of fresh wood, wood which releases more carbon than coal, than oil, than natural gas. Turn back the clock, dismantle capitalism, the ‘leftists’ argue, and we can all die breathing natural wood smoke and scratching into the dirt with our bare hands.

Nature is the basis of Capitalist dogma and it is a small trick to turn an impassioned leftist into a mad stooge for some business interest or another. The internet, which was supposed to give humanity a global village and inspire understanding or democracy has instead provided propagandists with cheap and easy access to mind-control millions. Fake news, fake people, fake movements, fake outrages. Go to burger king and pay an extra dollar to enjoy the fake meat that tastes more of beef than the authentic grey mystery beef. Get on twitter and tune into the fake extreme communists who speak endlessly of their Capitalist rights to race dignity, sex dignity, and all the other bulwarks that must be perpetually renewed to protect the very rich from the death touch of socialism.

Let this be the stark departure from the politics of celebrity slurs, impolite moments, criticism of trivial bits of culture, and all the other fake radical left politics that obsesses itself with anything but total class war. That is why Anonymous 2.0 is now deploying its Digital Guillotines!