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Cory Lewandowski Died after setting himself on fire, Tuesday

Three years of hate and hype boiled over on Capitol Hill Tuesday as impeachment proceedings against President Donald Trump were unveiled to a desensitized herd of faithless swine. Naruto-running creeps circled the Washington Monument, and Jamie Jo Corne, racist leader of the Anonymous hacker collective appeared many years late with three hundred head of cattle and Articles of Separation written out in shaky calligraphy on fine vellum. “We, The People of the Confederate States of America, Proudly Declare Donald Trump King of all White Patriots.”

Meanwhile, inside the miserable impeachment hearings the pitiful repetitive squeals of Republican Representatives inspired no sympathy or rage. In an act of epic impotence Lobbyist Scumsucker Cory Lewandowski died after setting himself on fire just outside the Capitol building, reportedly shouting at police and extending a stiff arm towards the White House, “Heil Trump! Heil Trump!” As his charred flesh peeled away, eyewitnesses claimed they saw a glistening metallic skeleton and heard his voice screech in a horrific inhuman pitch, degrading towards a single piercing tone, “like a dial-up internet gone wrong.”

Left behind for once in the all-out publicity orgy, President Trump filed a civil suit against the United States Federal Government, seeking ten trillion dollars in damages for so-called Presidential Harassment. The President also messaged all his fans, asking them to consider 36 holes or a vacation at one of his many golf resorts to help offset the costs of being impeached, even floating the idea of converting many of his hotel units into ripoff timeshares. Many President fans emptied their bank accounts and are now hunkered down in an encampment outside Mar-A-Lago. An eyewitness claimed the scene there is “Some mixture of Jonestown and Joe Arpaio’s open-air prison, and nothing to eat but daily shipments of fast food meals. They nearly lynched a man for hate-watching CNN.”

Joe Biden was seen sweating and skulking in the DC Metro, waiting around for a train among the swine, trying to blend in with a trenchcoat and Ray Bans. “The Ukrainians are following me,” he whispered. “They’ve got little pellets with poisons, electrical shock heart attack tasers, God knows what else. If they don’t pull off this hit the Eastern front will fall to Putin. It’s the end of the line for Old Uncle Joe, and I’m just taking my final ride. They’ll scramble my brain with a sonic pulse if I try to hide, and there’s no way out now. The Swine have it.”

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2 Comments

  1. Ya well ya almost had everything in this kitchen sink of satire, except y’all forgot the Nazis, but the Ukrainians have Azmov so thats kindve Atomwaffen Nazi shit so close enough, I guess.

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