Author: Kilgoar

INTERNET — Julian Assange, now caged like a rat in the unfriendly Ecuadorean embassy, trashed his tiny apartment early Monday morning shortly after receiving a stack of printouts of every Internet Chronicle story mentioning his name. Assange’s bookshelf was toppled and his computers were torn open, “like tin cans,” according to one eyewitness.

Last week, president Correa pulled the plug on Assange’s internet access after the bad boy hacker and troll went too far by publishing full frontal “security nudes” of Hillary Clinton hacked from the state department.

Ecuadorean officials removed all women from the embassy after Assange, reportedly suffering from futanari withdrawals, was heard growling and moaning as he paced through the halls in an aimless predatory wander. Currently, soldiers are posted outside his room in shifts, only delivering slips of flatbread through the crack under the door after Assange lunged and bit a guard on Tuesday.

Inside his suite, Assange has piled excrement on top of the remains of his laptop, its battered screen flickering with sexist political cartoons. Guards report that occasionally his moaning will give way to what sounds like coherent English. Assange was recorded by the guards speaking in a supernaturally calm tone, “All the secrets in the world, castrated, by the agency of Inglip — Redact the US government! Redact Zizek! Zizek! Why have you forsaken me?  What if you knew the wicked and the reward of your comment ‘understanding’ was the disastrous fall upon you, and you, perhaps, have been the language of their sister. But he could not have the money, and now, unlearned, he is joy. Shit upon thee, and I will give in the waters. You fucking dead, Kiddo.”

INTERNET — Melania Trump filed divorce papers Sunday, following the surfacing of explicit tapes vividly displaying husband and presidential nominee Donald Trump’s adulterous and lecherous depravity. Trump jokingly admitted that he joyously molested women and committed adultery in audio clips that will be played on repeat until the election in November. Melania’s divorce comes just hours before the nominee takes the stage at the town hall debate in St. Louis.

Despite the increasingly impossible odds facing Trump as he struggles to hold onto voters who pride themselves in family values, his alt-right partisans continue to cling to maniacal right wing clickbait, some even making the racist suggestion that such proud molestation will only help Trump gain minority voters. Others in the alt-right also touted WikiLeaks’ curious disclosures that purportedly show Hillary as an undercover conservative. This may damage Trump further, as disgusted Republican families — and his own wife — look for any escape.

The absurd eschatological pitch for Republican victory in which a Democratic victory is seen as the end to the United States is under strain by a more basic demand for human decency and presidential character. High profile Republican politicians are at long last bailing on Trump. As the establishment begins to see Trump’s campaign as increasingly doomed, cutting losses to save downballot votes is the unthinkable but strategically acceptable losing move for more and more Republicans. Inside the campaign, however, the mad necessity to salvage the phony end-of-America hook means Trump must depict Hillary as equally depraved as himself. Now facing a divorce over his admissions of adultery and sex assault, his defensive mudslinging will almost surely backfire so explosively that not only will the presidency be lost for Republicans, but so will congress. The push back from Republicans appears to be too little too late. But perhaps not. After all, it’s not too late for Melania to divorce the monster.