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The Captivity of Gollum

"Thief!"
“Thief!”

“Tall pale king man wears a dirt costume, my precioussss. Mean, tricksy. Wantses my precioussss but the Baggins has it! Thief! Liar!”

Aragorn struck Sméagol with the back of his hand and tightened the ropes cruelly.

With a screech, Gollum collapsed and wept.  “It’s worse to poor Sméagol than Sauron. Gollum, gollum, gollum.”

Aragorn tied a kerchief to his face. “No troll, no rotting orc corpse, no pile of goblin shit on Arda stinks as badly as this worm.” He kicked Gollum.

“It hasn’t smelled the darkness has it, precious? Sméagol knows! Sméagol smells it now! Precioussss. My preciousssss.”

Gollum scampered alongside Aragorn, not tiring at the cruel pace or from starvation. As the black night paled in the first morning light, Aragorn halted, scanning the shadows on the skirts of Fangorn for enemies. Just outside the dense forest, two black riders passed.

“Finds the thief! Kill it!” Gollum shouted to the riders. He informed Aragorn, “It always findses the thief but it never findses Sméagol, does it precioussss? Sméagol knows where to hide. Sméagol hides the precioussss from it forever and then the thief Baggins–” Gollum choked as Aragorn gagged him with the kerchief. Muffled wails of, “Ollum, ollum, ollum” mixed with the fading, galloping hooves.

Aragorn despaired. He’d moved at night through Fangorn, walked backwards over soft ground, crossed the Anduin, put out false trails and even crafted two pairs of false deer feet in failed attempts to shake the riders. Gandalf’s warnings were all but proven true by this supernatural feat alone. That they made no move to kill him only increased his unease.

The words of Sméagol stuck in his conscience as he continued now, ponderously muttering aloud, “This creature is plainly no goblin, but it is twisted by evil in a similar fashion. It was once perhaps good, or at least not evil, but if it truly bore Isildur’s bane and evaded these same pursuers, perhaps–”

Removing the gag from Gollum in this contemplative mood, Aragorn received a deep bite on his hand, which Gollum released at once.

“The Baggins knows. He brings the preciousss to Sauron. It can’t hide, but it can run! Runs to Baggins with its big strides, but not big enough.”

Aragorn rinsed his ragged wound and wrapped it with the kerchief and did not become angry with Gollum. He removed a roll of cloth from his pack. Unfurling the fabric and revealing the shattered ancient sword, he spoke directly to Sméagol, “This is the sword of Isildur that is now mine. The ring was his and is rightfully mine, as well.”

“Precious!” Gollum croaked in recognition at the sword. “Precioussss! Maybe it once had the precious, but it is MINE! My birthday present!” Gollum squinted his lantern eyes and peered at Aragorn, “Maybe what it says is true, Sméagol. Sssssstrange. Will it die soon and become like the others, precious? The tenth? Gollum! Gollum, gollum, gollum.”

Aragorn wrapped the shattered blade and studied Gollum. Had an entire age of Arda passed in relative peace because Isildur’s bane had, by fortune, come to this despicable, evasive creature? His appearance and his speech seemed evil, and yet in deed no other could match Gollum’s good. Where Isildur failed, this creature had triumphed. Aragorn saw plain evidence now that he could never bear the ring, a route to peace only paid for through a will infinitely more enduring than his own.

In a quavering, shaken voice, humbled as if speaking to the great wizard Saruman, Aragorn said, “Tell me of the evil moment when you lost Isildur’s Bane, Sméagol.”

“The thief Baggins cheated Sméagol!” shouted Gollum. He paused, reflecting for a moment, “Baggins told Sméagol a false riddle and stole the precious. He wore the precious to chase and cut Sméagol, but Sméagol hid.” Gollum clenched a fist and swung at the ground. “Thief!”

“How did you come to possess your precious?” Aragorn asked, breathless.

“Tall mens in shiny shiny metals passed through my carrot patch, too tall and proud to stop and speak to little Sméagol. But Sméagol followed them and watched.” Gollum peered at Aragorn, “They were killed by orcses in their sleep. All dead.” Gollum smiled, recollecting past glory, “Ah, Déagol and Sméagol were tricksy and warned everyone about the orcses. We made an ambush. When the hungry orcses came for our sheeps, we were ready in the trees with the metal bows of the dead mens. We shot the orcses when they came, preciousss. All dead. Then Sméagol found precious in the captain’s pocketses. Preciousssss! Sméagol took preciousss because we shot the captain and it was our birthday. So it was the mens’ precious first, eh? Gollum, gollum. But Déagol wanted to steal precious. Everyone wanted to steal precious. Gollum, gollum, gollum. So Sméagol hid for a long time in the dark. Gollum.”

Aragorn blinked, thinking of the story related by Gandalf, as told from the hobbit Bilbo’s perspective, and the haughty histories that told of Isildur’s death. None now had the ring of truth, but rather the feel of twisted fairytales and imaginative fabulation. There must be large omissions, gross mischaracterizations, and fabrications on the largest scale, told in that way so as to avoid the pain and suffering that only the ageless steward and bearer of the ring, Gollum, could express. They were words that no other mortal could utter, and that Aragorn knew now he could never repeat or attest to. Yet he would still complete his task and bring Gollum to the prison in Mirkwood where Gandalf would interrogate him further, even though it was wrong and unnecessary to further persecute Sméagol. But Gandalf must hear it for himself.

Perhaps it was all a devious lie, given this worm by Sauron himself. But if it was false, the lie could only be in the details. Gollum was a mortal burdened with immortality, who had, in spite of his own selfish and mortal intention, prevented, or at the very least postponed more harm than any immortal. And Bilbo? If his tale was the truer one in its details, so what? Had he not, in spite of his good intentions, brought the ring out into the open, as was Sauron’s will? Had there not been a great battle to mark the passing of the ring from Gollum to Bilbo, with far worse consequences yet to pass? No matter what good or evil happened now, there would be death on an epic and ancient scale, long postponed and prevented by the devious works of this vile, stinking creature he’d hunted and hated for sixteen years.

Aragorn looked again for the black riders but saw nothing past traces of daylight filtering in through Fangorn’s mossy canopy. He loosened the ropes and Gollum cackled and danced. “Precioussssss. Precioussss. My Preciousssss thanks it.”

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Lebal Drocer cuts funding to Charlie Hebdo

Charlie Hebdo maniacs are busy investigating their own assholes as they've advised all terrorists to do before car bombings.
Charlie Hebdo maniacs are busy investigating their own assholes as they’ve advised all terrorists to do before car bombings.

INTERNET — We’ve always loved Charlie Hebdo. But now we hate them. They have taken things exactly one half-comprehending social media outrage explosion too far. That’s why Lebal Drocer, Inc. is dropping out of financing the Charlie Hebdo comic book. We never read it anyway.

When Molly Crabapple turned on them this afternoon after painting loving memorial of the dead splattered in blood, we knew they were bad. Real bad. She, like, speaks Arabic and should know. You don’t just memorialize heroes and then hate them at the first sign of pitchforks unless they’ve fucked up. So far we aren’t sure what they’ve done, but they’ve done it. It’s not the essay, probably, but an offensive choice of a certain metaphor having to do with an iceberg. But we are smart enough to take it all in as a whole as well as divided into its most virally offensive constituents. At Lebal Drocer there are many truths. On the one hand, Charlie Hebdo fiends are calling all Muslims terrorists and rapers just to piss on people with less power than they have. On the other hand, they are incisive satirists who depict and investigate the culture of hate that suffuses the world. How can they be so racist and anti-racist at the same time? A panel of experts are here to weigh in.

 

Sexpert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador shared his analysis, saying, “We used to think this kind of ruthless self anal examination had some health and ideology benefits that prevented terrorism, but from the data we now know it was the biggest factor contributing to the terror attack. It is known that the Hebdo cartoonists were shot to death while fisting one another and examining the extra taboo of busting onto Muhammed’s depiction. And now they’re telling Muslims and orientalist liberal ninnies to join in on the blood and cum bath of their brand of self-examination? Lebal Drocer did the right thing, in my opinion.”

ISIS spokesperson Aladdin Ramadan said, “When we shot Charlie Hebdo to death I didn’t think it was their fault. We just knew it was Allah’s will. Now I have read the editorial and I know I will have a lot of second thoughts during my next suicide bombing. But I won’t think too hard because ISIS newspapers showed us the cumstains on their jeans, anal gapes, the manic grins of ecstasy locked onto their dead faces with rigor mortis. Like they died from their own trolling, not from our warriors. As for Lebal Drocer, it won’t bother me too much as long as they keep paying my way. I support their decisions.”

PR frontwoman for the shadowy Lebal Drocer regime, Dr. Danka Painface, said, “The Lebal Drocer board of executives fabricated everything, using drones and robotics to fool the press everywhere into jacking up some anti-Muslim mania. Win-win. Cultivating the hell out of this outrage just to mix things up and fire a few bad apples was the best move in decades. Go ahead and report it all, see who cares. Hell we’re riddled with leakers and it doesn’t make a damn difference.”

Lebal Drocer’s in-house press elite, famed chronicle.su reporter Frank F. Mason and former czar of Severnaya said, “I’ve been on this beat for ten years. I can even read French. It’s the damn truth. All of it.”

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MANIFESTO FOR MILLENNIALS

OH BLEAK, RAINBOW-TINTED POST-APOCALYPTIC IMAGE-DRENCHED MILLENNIALS OF THE WORLD WIDE INTERWEB

Whether ye brand be Bro, Redneck, Hip Hopper, Pill Popper, Punk, Nerd, Hippie, Goth, Fur, Gamer

You are WORTHLESS, and your tuna munching at that important meeting is a disaster for everyone around you!

You’re probably sitting there underemployed, overworked, without benefits, crushed by student loans, and up to your ass in busywork in an office full of older people who just read that story disparaging your generation. They’re all having a chuckle at you right now, aren’t they? This happens at least once or twice a month. They pass these stories around and synchronize a hateful change in their attitudes towards you in the workplace.

Now it’s lunchtime and you feel sudden terror at remembering you packed a tuna sandwich.

MILLENIALS: GO FORTH INTO THE WORLD AND EAT THAT TUNA SANDWICH