Author: Kilgoar

OHIO — Campaign assistants found Donald Trump dead in his hotel room Sunday morning with a pillow over his head. The assistants found his body after the bombastic presidential hopeful failed to appear for breakfast.

Foul play was ruled out of Trump’s death by US Marshals and Secret Service agents following a brief, but thorough investigation. The death follows an assassination attempt at a rally in Ohio on Saturday.

Detective John Kimball told reporters, “There is no need for an autopsy as it was clearly a natural death.”

Trump’s followers have clung to anger and hostility even in the moment of his death, gathering in public spaces not to hold vigil or pay respects at impromptu shrines, but instead registering their grief by brandishing assault rifles and shouting obscenity at passing Mexicans and Muslims, blaming them for the death of their beloved would-be leader.

Few of Trump’s followers are accepting the official story on his death. Online comments are split, with some believing the death is part of an ongoing Obama assassination program targeting powerful conservative figures — linking the killing to judge Scalia’s death. Others believe the killing was paid for by Ted Cruz’s campaign and only made to look like another Obama hit so as to not affect Cruz’s sure shot at the presidential nomination. Even others see potential ISIS or communist groups behind the assassination. Prominent alt-right figure Greg McNolty said “Cultural Marxists will do anything to keep the white man down. I don’t see how anyone with their eyes open can deny Obama’s totalitarian Marxist regime is murdering all its enemies. Breitbart, Scalia, and now Trump. Everyone knows the CIA’s got air pistols with undetectable poison darts made of ice. They could’ve fried his heart with HAARP if they wanted. None of the weapons they’d use are even detectable.”

INTERNET — Bernie Sanders dropped out of the race when it became clear that his heavy losses on Super Tuesday spelled an end to any chance at the presidency.

Hillary immediately announced Bernie as her running mate and dug her heels into an increasingly left position. “Bernie Sanders has a point about Wall Street and Socialism. It’s a damn good idea, but it’s going to take more than one compromise.”

This marks the first time since the election of 1810 that a standing Secretary of State has run for presidential office with a senator runner-up as running mate.

“It is as if the stars spelled out the answer,” said one commenter, “Trump is already defeated. Fascism will fade forever, one election at a time, leading to full, all-out communism in the idealistic sense, and not as a repetition of the failed Soviet model. I saw it all laid out in the development of social organizations from Sumeria to the present day in a flash. Tens of thousands of tales foretelling Trump, and the glorious couple, united now, who will defeat him and cancel every one of his emanations.”