Author: Kilgoar

NEW YORK – Fans mourn the loss of artist Molly Crabapple, born Jennifer Caban, who was found dead in her Wall Street apartment Monday morning next to an emptied bottle of Balvenie whisky. Over the past year, Crabapple increasingly tweeted about overworking herself and even wrote an editorial suggesting that her puritan work ethic was the key to success for any artist.

Crabapple’s art and writing were quickly sought out and employed by Murdoch-owned Vice magazine, CNN, and Fox News after her high profile arrest at Occupy Wall Street propelled her fanciful, sexy reportage of the protest movement to an international stage. Among the vanguard of American activists, Crabapple’s name has become synonymous with selling out and shilling for the man, but her work has converted thousands of apathetic horny goth teen boys into more progressive thinking goths.

Crabapple Incorporated and its yearly profits estimated in excess of $10 million have been handed over to the Caban family to disburse as they see fit.

INTERNET — International fiber optic connections between continents are seemingly failing in a cascade. At least twenty of the most important transcontinental lines have gone down. The FBI issued a statement, saying, “The CyberJihad has begun, and it appears the terrorists are using both digital as well as more physical tactics.”

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, expert in Cyberwar at the Thatherton Cyber Institute told reporters,”Rather than the cliche’d millenial fear of a hacker attack that crashes the electrical grid, this terror attack has hit a more vital and overlooked system, a global system which enables free communication between citizens of different nations.”

China and North Korea have capitalized on the chaos, deploying their massive and highly trained Cyberarmies to disable all western Name Servers, effectively ruining hundreds of millions of smartphones and tablets in Europe and North America.

All Western media outlets are fighting off heavy DDoS attacks and readers have reported strange disappearing sentences mentioning the protocols of the elders of Zion inserted into stories about Charlie Hebdo. President Obama, Vice President Biden, and Newt Gingrich were “doxed,” their personal phone numbers posted on President Obama’s Twitter account.

CYBERWAR — Freedom Fighters from the Anonymous hacker collective have continued their cyberwar in Operation Charlie Hebdo and claim to have doxed thousands of Islamists hiding in Europe and the US. Meanwhile, CyberJihadists from ISIS hacked the United States Central Command and tweeted America’s imminent invasion plans for both China and North Korea.

Veteran Anonymous hacker Commander X told reporters, “It’s amazing that the Internet is still even holding together, if even by a thread. I have never seen cyberwar on this scale — it’s the digital equivalent of the D-Day invasion of Normandy out here. We are working around the clock to dox every last sleeper cell from Al Qaeda to ISIS, even though it might seem impossible. The thousands of dox we already have in our possession cannot be made public, and we are considering hiring bitcoin hitmen as well as some other alternatives to reporting terrorists to the fascist US government. But Anonymous and freedom will prevail, and Charlie Hebdo will be avenged.”