Author: Kilgoar

CYBERWAR — Anonymous claimed a tremendous victory in its #OpCharlieHebdo campaign by downing all Internet in areas controlled by da3sh, the terrorist “cancer” growing in the heart of the middle east, also known as ISIS or the Islamic State.

The Hacker known as Weev AKA 4chan, acting as temporary official spokesperson for Anonymous (while Barrett Brown is in Jail), told reporters, “The brave white men at Charlie Hebdo are surely the truest practitioners of satire on the whole Earth. They have been avenged, for Thor’s lulz. The Internet at da3sh will be down until those goatfuckers send themselves up to their baby-rape heaven.”

Weev is not a Christian, but a folkish, or militant right-wing practitioner of a vague Norse polytheistic reconstructionist faith, emphasizing the God of Power and Violence, Odin. Weev gained notoriety in America and Northern Europe for popularizing a pornographic image of a depraved man with the biggest gaping asshole in the world, as stretched to its absolute limit.

The Arab world has long accused Anonymous of acting as an instigator and meddler in their local affairs after Anonymous operations added chaos to an already destabilized situation in Tunisia and Egypt at critical moments while CIA agents installed regimes more friendly to the West during the so-called “Arab Spring.”

Iran’s Press TV even accused Anonymous of being a false flag operation of the United States, citing the well-known false flag crimes committed by Islamist Hector Xavier Monsegur, AKA Sabu, who led thousands of attacks on police departments and innocent news organizations in the US after being co-opted by the “FBI.” Press TV cited New Homeland security laws introduced secretly in FISA courts that call for “aggressive and pro-active networking in all branches and twigs in all federal, state, provincial, and local governments.”

Commander X, veteran lieutenant in the Anonymous hacker collective, explained, “Lots of trolls think that Anonymous convinced allies of the pro-US rebellion to shelter themselves in the US-backed Tor Internet cloaking device. That’s bullshit. We fight for freedom. They also say we defaced the government websites, a feat that surely enabled us to leak something that we never leaked. Trolls. They say that LOIC is just a trap for noobs. TROLLS. Don’t listen to the haters and the bullshit. We hate America just as much as any jihadist, but Free Speech is even more important. Je Suis Charlie!”

INTERNET — WikiLeaks spokesperson Jolene Assange shocked the world, announcing, “Both Al-Qaeda and ISIS have their highest leadership positions infiltrated by Hindus who want to sow discord among monotheistic religions. It was not the United States government that engineered 9/11. It was India.”

A leaker shared documents with WikiLeaks which confirmed beyond a doubt that the attack on Charlie Hebdon in France was carried out by a special Muslim-to-Hindu convert militia known as the PakiHindus. The PakiHindu commando squad has framed Muslim terrorists for heinous acts both in India and abroad since their creation in the late 70s.

Angstrom H. Troubador, Wikileaks volunteer analyst, said, “Christian missionaries won over millions of Hindus in the past century and the Muslims are across their border with a finger on a nuclear trigger. You don’t think ISIS, Al-Qaeda, or the shooting at Charlie Hebdon would take the pressure off of them in a cost-effective manner?”

Troubador elaborated, “A moderately powerful nation such as India could easily afford a double false flag, leaving evidence that the CIA had perpetrated the 9/11 attacks while carrying them out with their already established commando squad. They see Islam, Christianity, and Judaism as a single entity — Devil Abraham — which must be provoked to self-immolate and usher in the maximum proliferation of polytheistic belief. I think it’s working incredibly well, it should have been obvious. But even though the monotheistic world finally has proof, I don’t think it will Matter. There won’t ever be an end to petty bickering over cartoons. Monotheistic religions won’t stick together, instead there will be a gradual erosion of faith through fear and competition. The Hindus will inherit the Earth.”

HOLLYWOOD — Jack Black, comedic actor, died Monday evening after suffering a severe stroke at the age of 45. Fans mourn the loss of Jack Black and suspect his death was related to overindulgence in candy over several decades.

Black was rumored to have rented out a candy store where he was granted 24-hour permission to do anything he wanted inside. Fans said Black drew the shades, and emerged in the middle of the night, unable to speak or see. He died shortly thereafter.

Black’s estate will be disbursed and charitably donated to SETI, the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence.