Author: Kilgoar

INTERNET — A previously unknown hacker group, ObamaSec (short for Obama Security), posted a press release Monday taking credit for downing North Korea’s internet infrastructure in retaliation for their hack of Sony pictures. The release stated, “Proud American citizens were denied their right to a comedic and economy stimulating movie, and this is an intolerable act of aggression.” ObamaSec added, “At least 9,000 jobs have been lost as a result of North Korea’s all-out offensive on Sony Pictures,” and ObamaSec promised to keep North Korea offline until they released South Korean Starcraft star Taeja. EDIT: Taeja has confirmed he is not, in fact, in North Korean Custody.

In the release entitled, “North Korea Gets Barekt,” patriotic American hackers led by the notorious computer savant, th3j35t3r, also gloated over their defeat of North Korean “savages.” Using a sophisticated tool known only as XerXes, ObamaSec was able to overload the memory circuits of computers responsible for controlling the data flow in and out of the pariah nation.

ObamaSec hacker th3j35t3r has a history of right wing ideology and may be using the president’s name as an ironic jab at Obama’s intransigence to the North Korean attack on America. As is common in press releases from hackers, ObamaSec’s statements cannot be taken at face value as they are generally loaded with a hefty dose of trolling. Hacker expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador told reporters, “It is quite likely that ObamaSec is a front organization for the US government or one of its allies, so that no one has to take credit for the attack.”

INTERNET — At The Strand book store in New York, artist Molly Crabapple asked questions of Biella Coleman, author of Hacker, Hoaxer, Whistleblower, Spy: The Story of Anonymous, but when she was done asking questions a haughty and verbose man from Saint Francis College stood up to ask the question of a lifetime, exaggeratedly mocking the know-it-all modality employed by academia: “You showed a forum post on 4chan . . . that featured you being banned over exposing your studies on the organization. And they gave you titles . . . [which] seemed very androgynous . . . Do you think it’s in that androgynous point of view where men have always been on the internet whereas women are coming into the fold and so on and so forth — addressing that trope, that sort of taboo?” The word androgynous rolled off his tongue gleefully and he snarled while emphasizing the word taboo, and the friction in the room at the moment of impact could’ve burnt down at least ten barns full of priceless antiques.

“Oh, you mean sexist?” Biella Coleman neutered the Reptilian GamerGator on the spot, and a moment of raucous laughter somehow occurred at the tense interview. Even Molly Crabapple, gripping her gigantic leather chair and rigidly extending her spine emitted a small, tender sound of joy.

INTERNET — Activism for a free and democratic internet took a grim detour this week as developers of the anonymizing Tor network defended their military funding amid a conflagration of hateful doxing, harassment, and namecalling. These abuse tactics were deployed by the most cold and efficient bloggers on both sides, and the TorProject signed a document declaring itself the new harassment authority and promised not to tolerate it for another second. GreenPeace activists placed a banner over the Nazca lines, calling on help from aliens because they have lost all hope in humanity’s essential goodness.

Shrouded in secrecy and under the cover of darkness, Tor weapons manufacturers are regularly paid six figure incomes directly from the US military, earning princely sums for training US-backed revolutionary movements in the use of Tor. The developers also teach governments friendly to the US to deanonymize Tor so that they can more easily maintain their power. Then, with the first morning light,  Tor weapons manufacturers don the rebellious mask of Anonymous and pretend to wage war against the evil US military industrial intelligence complex, perhaps to further draw targets into their manifold traps. YourAnonNews, a Twitter account operated by several of the pseudo-activist weapons engineers at Tor, as well as propaganda agents planted by Rupert Murdoch, has issued threats and called for mob violence against vocal critics of Tor at Pando Daily.

Deeply entrenched in the whitest of white privilege and proud of it, Quinn Norton writes that the Tor weapons manufacturers are more akin to mathematically determined robots and therefore entirely outside the realm of ethical concern — but those who are concerned at least should be more polite so that the big fuss can be put to rest as a simple error in addition. Quinn asserts the only true issue at hand is a startling lack of politeness. Tor developer and confirmed contributor to YourAnonNews, Puella Vulnerata (latin for injured girl), doxed several of Tor’s critics in a frothing rage and is now being targeted by so-called GamerGators, a lizard-like male supremacy movement that preys on any weakness in women with gang e-assaults. While the TorProject has not acknowledged their secret and controversial pseudo-activist weapons manufacturing program for the US military, they have calmly transcended the impolite controversy and now boldly stand united with feminists in opposition to GamerGators.