Author: Kilgoar

MOSCOW — In a speech blaming American triumphalism for the New Cold War, former Soviet Prime Minister Mikhail Gorbachev told reporters, “There will be people who have the courage to stop [the New Cold War] and start building a New World Order that would answer the challenges that the world community is facing.” Gorbachev added, “There is no need for massive nuclear wars or other population extermination schemes in the Soviet model, but that seems to be the chosen course for the construction of a New World Order by the United States.”

Analyst Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “Marxists are murderers and liars, and it’s so much the worse that they’ve taken over the US government, from the very top to the bottom. They’re murderous elitists who all have a common vision of a global empire. So, for Gorbachev to come out and blame American triumphalism, well brother, that’s what we need to save our asses from the globalists right now. That and a thick lung full of Colloidal Silver to protect us from the ever present slow-extermination chemicals already being sprayed on us every day.”

BREAKING — Tuesday night several members of the Honey Boo Boo family were brought to the hospital for treatment after ingesting excessive quantities of Ebola Oil, a product endorsed by Honey Boo Boo star ‘Chickadee’ which advertises itself as a cure-all effective against Ebola. Alana Thompson, known affectionately to fans as Honey Boo Boo, said, “Well, mama was convinced we all had Ebola and Papa Bear said we had the flu. Chickadee brought out the oil and mama and them drank every last drop. Now they’re sick, in the hospital.”

There is no word yet on the condition or identities of the hospitalized members of the Honey Boo Boo clan. Honey Boo Boo’s show was recently cancelled after Mama June broke up with Papa Bear to be with McDaniels, a registered molester who once molested her children, and Honey Boo Boo claims that Mama June spent all her money on McDaniels, all but $17.50. Last month, Uncle Poodle went on Dr. Phil, where he claimed to have witnessed McDaniels, Mama June, and Honey Boo Boo in bed together.

INTERNET — Shocking the world with hist first-ever fluent American English press conference, Kim Jong Un told reporters, smiling, that he was personally responsible for orchestrating the latest devastating and genius cyberattack on Sony. Smiling and winking with strained charm, Kim Jong Un related his long training in cyberwarfare and computerized psyops, “My father and grandfather were never as passionate about computers as I was, but we have all been equally passionate about Juche ideology! I studied under an American tutor for decades and learned how to hack everything. They always said I was wasting my time, but then the times changed. Then I was the only member of LulzSec to get away, a founding member of the Anonymous collective and directly waging war with America in cyberspace, a high ground that could even trump nuclear weapons. The Internet is the most powerful weapon ever. I’ve worked with Deric Lostutter, Commander X, Barrett Brown, and even Topiary. I never liked Sabu or the direction he was taking Anonymous. Sup Biella.”

After the death of Kim Jong-Il in December of 2011, it was not known who would succeed to the position of Supreme Leader of North Korea. However, Kim Jong Un’s incredible ability to download torrents won him incredible favor, not only with his father, but also with his inner circle of elite generals. Chuckling, Kim Jong Un bragged about a few of his big hacks, saying, “The first time my dad saw that my hacking was worth anything was when I doxxed Lisa Ling’s plans to visit North Korea. The lulz we had when Bill Clinton stepped off of that plane were incredible.” All of the sudden turning serious, Kim closed his fist slowly and growled, “Expect us.”