Author: Hatesec

I am the hatest

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Horoscopes (August 2019)

Dr. Angstrom Troubadour, Master Astrologian

Hell fire, brother! Dr. Troubadour here, and have I got a horoscope for YOU. It’s hatesec’s birthday, so y’all can “Suck My Dick” (which I recently tattooed over a young Brooklyn woman’s eyebrow, granting her new spiritual energy!) and read this here horoscope. Get right with astrology, and the stars may align in your favor. Offend me, and I will pray to the devil to send the Moon straight into your fucking house. Ungrateful pieces of SHIT!

I got big money on this one. Now! Go forth, and fulfill your astral destinies.

ARIES

Over breakfast on the 14th, dark suspicions around your neighbors begin to grow. Someone at work will say something to indicate they know. They know nothing. Trust the plan.

Your lucky numbers: 3:30 a.m.

TAURUS

Lovely Venus shines in your windows, because you did a bad job blacking them out. It is a distraction, but you will go on because you are strong, independent, and so brave. On the 24th, you will overhear an ignorant conversation taking place. You must fight the urge to interject with everything you know about the subject, because you’re wrong, too, and you’re too self-absorbed to realize it.

Your lucky number: Two smashed eyeballs of unknown origin, waiting for you on a plate in the kitchen.

GEMINI

If you are holding a party or arranging a social occasion, the current planetary arrangement is unsuitable for success. Do not let Venus shine in your home zone, inspiring hopelessness and disarray. On the 21st, avoid skin contact with Pisces.

Your lucky number: 21,000 ug

CANCER

Tired of hearing that nice guys finish last, you turn bitter on the 18th. On the 21st you could turn that “best friend” into an acquaintance with one funny text message. You might never understand your role in the world, and die with questions unanswered. Chicks just aren’t ready for a guy like you.

Your lucky number: BLOCKED

LEO

You may think today’s events will feel “business as usual,” but you would be wrong. The current planetary alignment could indicate that a disruption may actually be a blessing in disguise, as you realize this whole horoscope thing is wearing a bit thin, and it might be time to consider drug abuse therapy. Watch for gasoline rain.

Lucky numbers: 69

VIRGO

Today’s astral configuration may feel like a hole in the ozone layer, but what the fuck do you know? I am the zodiac master, and you are nothing. You read horoscopes, and your horoscope says the astral configuration is about to totally wreck your shit. Check my astrology: You could fall more deeply in love than you would have under any other alignment of the planets. However, you will recklessly reveal gross, unattractive human vulnerability and a loved one you trusted will turn their back on you!

Your lucky numbers: [Deleted]

LIBRA

Venus enters Sagittarius on the 18th, making the third week of August a good time to start a secret new family in another town. Stop wondering what if, confront your fears, and get to work on your ‘other life.’ If shit goes belly-up, you can always go out for a pack of smokes.

Your lucky number: Unavailable

SCORPIO

On the 15th, a cosmic boost gives you special powers to make important changes to the starting lineup for the Charlotte Hornets 2020 roster. It’s fantasy fucking basketball in this bitch, as you literally alter history as we know it, for this trivial goal. Might as well gamble on it! Stay awake all night Sunday doing blow and placing bets, because come Monday morning you’ll be remembered as the final boss of Draft Kings dot com. The 20th pays your escape into the woods, never to be seen again. You will be presumed dead after a halfhearted search effort is called off.

Your lucky numbers: 14, 15, 30

SAGITTARIUS

ICE detention centers will enter your thoughts on the 18th! On the 20th and 21st, the Moon in your sign gives you the courage to retweet something about it. Your guilt is too strong to bear alone. Have a trusted friend or family member turn you in to the authorities at once for sympathetic re-education.

Your lucky numbers: 9, 1, and then 1 again if you’re sure

CAPRICORN

On the 15th, a Full Moon gives you the dicking of a lifetime. You will give everything to experience this level of joy again, chasing a ghostly dragon you think you saw, just around the next bend in your life. Insecurity-inducing planets are conspiring on the 19th, so keep your head low! There’s no turning back now. You live for taking dick.

Your lucky number: 1,000 dickery doos

AQUARIUS

The moon in your sign illuminates your dim wit on the 17th. Horseshit tax regulations may go into effect on the 18th but there are loopholes. Watch Prison Planet on MSNBC until prison no longer seems so bad.

Your lucky numbers: 50 to life, and the 5th

PISCES

A hilarious fuck-up is in store on the 15th — and you’ll take the blame! From now on, people will only glance at you out of the corner of their eye, but somehow you’ll still feel the burning hatred of their judgment. On the 19th, don’t settle for this. Plan your revenge on society at large, until Venus exits Sagittarius. Then, wait for instructions in that abandoned house near the edge of town.

Your lucky numbers: 30, 27, and 18

I’m Dr. Troubadour, I piss clean, and graduated from medical school. My star chart readings have been described as “too real” in the press, but I call the future like I see it. You’re welcome.

Hate

FUXNET DOXED by Raging White Supremacist

Post author By Hatesec
Post date June 21, 2019
7 Comments on FUXNET DOXED by Raging White Supremacist

DETROIT– In a stunning blow to his manhood, the adorable baby biscuit of FuxNet himself, Drew Basko was arrested after a no-knock raid on his thrillion dollar home in the Detroit suburbs.

Fuxnet trash rat Drew Basko (left) and his pibble (also left) were featured in a tweet by Dox Holliday…and then something terrible happened.

Police say they were responding to reports from a trusted source – a real good old boy, they said, trusted reports – of an underground slavery network, but not the good, Harriet Tubman kind of underground, also associated with slavery. This one, police said, was very, very bad, and they were surprised no one self-investigated it yet.

“As is protocol, we did not understand the nature of the dispatch,” said Chief Steven Branton. “I only half heard the call. You know how women just like to talk. I hung up and hadn’t caught a word of it. So I figured, ‘fuck it.’ We just knew we were going in hot.”

With guns drawn, federal agents threw Basko to the ground, demanding access to his basement dungeon, where children were reportedly kept as property.

“Help! I’ve been swatted!” Basko cried out, pointing at a dark navy clad figure standing in the front door. “I was doxed! There’s the white supremacist who doxed me!”

Cyle sports a rare pepe familiar in a breathtaking desert photo. When he’s not making dank memes, Cyle Cannarsa enjoys punishing the sub-human migrant kids who come through his concentration camps.

https://twitter.com/FuxNet/status/1141460636880252929

Standing tall over Basko was Special Officer Big Dickington, a.k.a. Cyle Cannarsa, a real good ol’ boy with a three-headed hard-on for liberty, women, and white people.

FILE PHOTO: Cyle Cannarsa entered “blind rage mode” after a fellow patriot was doxed.

“He hurt one of ours, and I just seen red,” Cannarsa recounted. “I ain’t been that mad…in a long time. Not since this six year old illegal boy Alejandro looked up at me from the floor of a Freedom Camp, and complained his steak-umms were too frozen. The ingrate!”

Following the arrest, Cannarsa took a knee like his celebrity crush, Colin Kaepernick, used to do. He whispered to Basko, who lay crumpled on the ground under an officer’s tender knee. As he hissed, Cannarsa diddled Basko’s ear with his tongue.

“You’re damn right I doxed you. You know better, boy, than to give cops all that credit. I’ll see you in the refugee camps.”

Basko admits he was doxed in retaliation to attacking True Patriots nocankickn and good ol’ boy Cyle Cannarsa.

“I guess I’m just like those kids in a lot of ways. Yes, I’m going to the camps now, and yes I had it coming to me. Cyle Cannarsa was right. I’m just like them. We are all the same.”

Now Basko is threatening to sue the Detroit police officers who entered his home, selfishly draining what little bit is left of the last remaining tax dollars from his own community, and potentially depriving even more children of food.

Truly Undoxable?

Despite mountains of research and articles, no one knows how to pronounce Cyle. Some say “Hero.”

Texas Border Facilities and Separation Centers are brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc. — The Family is a muscle that grows stronger from being ripped apart!

Obituaries

Doris Day Dead at 97?

Doris Day, the legendary singer and actress who recorded Gangsta’s Paradise, died at 1 a.m. Monday at her home in California… or did she?

No, she did. Doris Day is dead.

Celebrity experts say she was 97 years old when she died, and a lot of people are mourning. People are in mourning. They’re supposed to be at work!

The Doris Day Crypto-Psychotic Institute for Old Television Shows confirmed in a statement to chronicle.su that Day “rattled with temporal fever” as her body came apart, revealing itself at long last to be composed of a dense cloud of tiny alien spacecraft.

The ships scattered in the wind, before leaving Earth through interdimensional creases.

Doris Day was cute, but unfortunately made from advanced alien technology.

Witnesses were intimidated into silence. Even Alex Jones from infowars.com was speechless.

Day howled as she died, cackled, and growled like a river of wind, causing everyone’s ears to bleed. Human expression wiped from her face, Day scanned each person in the room, consuming their souls through the eyes, snatching family and loved ones alike down with her on a startling plunge into the darkest pitch of Hell.

“That’s why this is such a big deal,” Alex Jones said. “We’re all gonna read about this in the Chronicle!”

Day was well known for her contralto singing voice, which she famously showcased in “Whatever Will Be, Will Be (Que Sera, Sera)” from Alfred Hitchcock’s The Man Who Knew Too Much. Little did it matter, Day’s final howling shriek lives on in a broken reality, scorched into the memories of the few survivors who lived to tell about it.

“Her singing voice was so beautiful,” Nancy Grace recounted. “Which is why when she started howling like the Devil, I knew something was wrong, and it was time for me and the crew to get the flip out of there. I still have nightmares about it.”

When Doris Day was just 12 years old, she ignored what God and her parents said to do, so she went and got hit by a train. Just like what happened to Sam Kinison, this event triggered a dark turn in Day’s demeanor, form, and worldview, influencing her standup for decades to come.

Fans recall Day would lash out at audiences and was arrested twice for indecency. Officers waited off stage for the actress in 1989 after accepting the Cecil B. DeMille Award because during her acceptance speech, she removed her face, revealing a cyborg robotic emotive muscular simulation system of unknown origin. This alone was not a problem, but Day’s hair, shoulders, elbows and breasts had transformed into helicopter-mounted gatling guns, fed by a bandolier of souls from the future snatched into a horrific backward leap through time. Although she complied with police, Day killed indiscriminately, and paid dearly for her crimes in Time Court.

Day was later arrested during a meet-and-greet in 2005, where she controversially drank her own urine from a glass and sprayed it into the stunned faces of a live studio audience. She never opened with piss drinking, so this was a rare moment for fans and police.

Day was married a bunch of times, but no one knew she was the Reaper.

Who gives a fuck anymore. Y’all stay away from them Day Reapers you hear me?

Some say she’s still out there. She could still be hunting.