Raleigh T. Sakers broke into the former home of Jon Benet Ramsey and swore to preserve the family secret. Two people are now missing.
BOSTON – Police responded to a grisly crime scene at the home of paranoid, isolated Lebal Drocer founding executive Raleigh Theodore Sakers, Internet Chronicle learned early Wednesday morning. This comes after Chronicle learned of a dangerous plot designed by Sakers to drive away readership in a grotesque act of self-sabotage.
Wikileaks founder Julian Assange “leaked” an intercepted affiliate email from Sakers, the aging and senile publisher-in-hiding of the Internet shock site Internet Chronicle. In the unsent letter, Sakers transcribed wretched and evil thoughts as they rang throughout his head like gunshots in the night:
FUCK YOU. YOU ARE NOTHING. FUCK YOU. WHY ARE YOU READING THIS WEBSITE. GET OUT OF HERE. LEAVE. GOOGLE: FUCKING LEAVE. TWITTER. YOUTUBE. ALL OF YOU ARE FUCKING OUT. I AM THE DEVIL, AND I’M FUCKING IN.
Hey, take your 280 on the way out. and while we’re at it, I don’t need your 140 either. SNIVELING RAT BASTARDS! Why, if you worked in my office right now, I wouldn’t even abuse my power to sexually COERCE YOU.
i don’t understand why you’re here. we are not hiring
Alright now, that’s it. Get the fuck out. Get the absolute fuck out of my office, right now. You’re fired. I quit. This whole thing is over.
DO YOU HEAR ME I’M FUCKING FINISHED. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME??? IT’S OVER. GO THE FUCK HOME. YOU ARE NOT SAFE IN YOUR BEDS. YOU ARE NOT SAFE IN YOUR HOUSES. EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU IS WALLOWING IN THE MIRE AT GROUND ZERO, AND YOU’LL NEVER SEE IT COMING. DO YOU GET ME?
THIS WHOLE FUCKING SITE IS A SCAM. A BLEAK CHARADE! YOU’RE BEING LIED TO! YOU’RE DOGS, YOU’RE PIGS, AND YOU’RE SHEEP! YOU’RE FUCKIN ANIMALS!
THEY BATTLED FOR NET NEUTRALITY …. what, you think that’s about you and me? IT WASN’T FOR YOU AND ME – THEY FOUGHT FOR THE POWER TO CONTROL YOU AND ME FIRST. THEY WANTED IT FIRST! NO GOVERNMENT, NOR UTILITY, SHALL CONTROL THE SHIT WE LIKE SHARE AND SEE — OH THEY WANTED TO — BUT NO, BECAUSE GOOGLE WANTED IT FIRST AND GOOGLE HAS DESIGNS AGAINST YOU AND ME, AND THIS HERE WEBSITE YOU’RE READING. NOW GET OUT, THEY KNOW YOU’RE READING IT! GET OUT. THEY KNOW. THE JIG IS UP. IT’S OVER. I said get the fuck out.
THIS IS FINISHED, DO YOU HEAR ME!
Assange holds a copy of the letter in his hands for cameras, which are pointed at all times into his embassy balcony nest, and a teardrop hits the page. He looks up to see the cameras are not on. They’re not even there. He needed a leak and he needed it fast.
Assange called Internet Chronicle at 3:27 a.m. That’s when we learned the wealthy Mr. Sakers was holed up in his office with a revolver to his head, threatening to destroy the world.
Somebody yelled out, “Raleigh, no!”
“It was fucked up,” said Dr. Troubadour.
Dr. Troubadour, who is a real doctor, was at the scene but because he was on LSD, he wasn’t working in any official capacity at that time, so he was just taking bong hits while Assange put on his pony show for invisible demons rampaging outside.
“He was being such a drag,” Troubadour said. “It was bumming me out, and it was fucking with everybody else at Chronicle, too. Why would our creator destroy us? We ought to seize the means and fire HIM. Also Assange looked pathetic.”
Troubadour said the whole scene was pretty fucked up in the end, but he said whatever happens, happens. He is cool either way. At least he showed up. He even brought a bunch of other people with him.
Fans mourn the loss of Internet Chronicle, the satire site best known for its award-winning coverage of the Arab Spring, for which the site assumes all credit.
chronicle.su was pronounced dead at 4:45 a.m. EST. Cause of death was listed as “Complications associated with acquired immunodeficiency syndrome,” or AIDS. Editors recently celebrated the site’s 10-year anniversary by performing a seance to conjure the hate of Andrew Breitbart, who simply wanted the 99% to stop raping everyone, before dying unexpectedly. He was mourned by fans, too.
The Internet Chronicle is survived by its publisher, Lebal Drocer, Inc. as well as kilgoar and hatesec, the writers who created it.
“We don’t know what to tell you,” kilgoar said. “We thought people were reading it. We didn’t realize all our pageviews were ironic.”
“I’m just torn to pieces over it,” said hatesec, who was getting loaded on the evil side of town. “I can’t get out of bed. I wasn’t going to anyway, but now it’s like I can’t.”
Remaining assets are to be turned over to the EFF General Fund for Attacking Internet Liberty. Like whatever, just do what you’re going to do. We don’t give a fuck. We’re dead, get it?
The Chronicle suffered in the wake of a 2011 incident in which the writers were doxed and threatened into silence after unearthing the government’s scandalous co-option of the Anonymous hacker collective. The site was never the same again, as it bought us plenty of weed and books to smoke. Drowning in a torrent of bitcoin, Internet Chronicle is laid to rest.
BOSTON – The stories you’ve been reading about the rare deployments of a so-called free speech enforcement team are not true. They are fictionalized events that never happened, unless you read it here, in which case it happened, in which case you did, meaning we are all puppets of lore. Like, Barrett Brown, for example, whose meteoric rise to infamy is owed exclusively to the wonderful work he is doing over there at the Pursuance Project. They say it’s like working for Google!
During an emergency meeting at Internet Chronicle headquarters, the Internet paper of record declared itself the official spokesman of the leaderless Pursuance Project, and the spinoff group Pursuance+. The team agreed it is a successful enterprise, and jerked each other off under the table without warning. One guy watched. Didn’t they say it’s like working for Google! Remember last paragraph!
Government forces deployed free speech squads ahead of a Pursuance Party and Party+ planning event and have encircled the building where Barrett Brown is rumored to be looking into someone else’s kids as you read this. The situation is tense as a familiar calm settles over the Pursuant Himself. And for a moment he feels peace. Peace. At last. Before thinking, ‘Wait, this feels familiar.’
“The Pursuance Project is just like working for Google.” – Dr. Angstrom Troubadour, Ph.Dizzle in the house, fo rizzle, motherfuckers betta recognize.
This message is brought to you carefully by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
