Author: Hatesec

I am the hatest

Man’s desperate quest for meaning ends at these best new tech gadgets of 2016

Post author By Hatesec
Post date January 9, 2016
No Comments on Man’s desperate quest for meaning ends at these best new tech gadgets of 2016

Check these dank new products that are totally gonna save you from the pain of being alone. Lebal Drocer, Inc. proudly presents our Top 5 Products of 2016 Guaranteed To Distract You From The Pain of Existence!

It’s true Jesus had to walk that lonesome valley, but Jesus didn’t have Twitter on an enecrypted futurephone, either. These wonderful new products promise to destroy the thing inside you that hurts when you face the world :D

Sit back and enjoy the future! Tech progress is constantly delivering solutions to problems you never knew existed!

Google Cardboard

Have you ever wanted to wear a smartphone on your FACE? Why not? With Google Cardboard, you can see – up close and personal – the evolution of human fear through the new Imminent Fear app, which is still in beta but shows great promise in its ability to horrify even the most centered user.

Imminent Fear takes you on a virtual tour through the dark thoughts lurking in the collective unconscious. Is that the sound of a baby dying? I didn’t ask to be born. What’s that guy doing–SUICIDE BOMBER! #ISIS IS HERE AND IT’S WORLD WAR III. YOU SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN A REAL JOB!

iPhone Watch App

Have you ever wanted an iPhone Watch, but you were afraid you wouldn’t be able to find the right app on the Apple AppStore? Have no fear, consumers: The iPhone Watch App – although the jokes are 12 months too late – is still useful as ever! Just looking at it will make you feel like you deserve an Apple Watch on each wrist.

Coming Soon: Apple cRing! An Apple Watch for your Cock!

Tesla Model S

This sleek Android phone comes with a fast electric car built around it. All your Silicon Valley friends will want one, but YOU signed up for it first. Show off on reddit when the wooden crate is dropped off outside your McMansion: “Tesla Unboxing Video: Never Before Seen Car Drives Itself Into The Future!”

Are you tired of gaudy door handles that poke out for anyone in the world to grab hold of? The all-new Tesla Model S is capable of driving itself, and deciding who drives it! Users wishing to operate the vehicle must swipe their iPhone 6s Plus across a Point-of-Sale located near the driver’s window before gaining access to the futuristic car interior.

No poorfags allowed! The Model S requires a minimum bank balance of $250,000 before starting the ignition.

Encrypted Phones

Are your conversations about fingerfucking a mistress too important to leak to every Snowden and Manning with minimum-level access? Secure your nefarious activities for a limited time with the GATCA enecrypted smartphone. This phone is so secure, it is constantly under threat of intrusion!

Now you, too, can safely leak documents to the press about government wrongdoings, and cutting-edge AES 512 encryption buys you enough time to book a flight to Hong Kong, Moscow, Geneva — wherever! Except not Geneva.

But act fast! Those helium-cooled NSA supercomputers are gonna COME AT YA BRO when you’re using this ego-inflating, delusions-of-grandeur-fueling smartphone.

[Editor’s note: You are nothing.]

Vertical Rocketry

Is that a flagging erection on your launchpad? Nope. It’s a vertical rocket landing that has us shrieking like apes around a monolith. Have you ever wanted to see a rocket reused, over and over again like some kind of cosmic dildo? Now is your chance. Is it news? Is it a commercial? Who knows!

We successfully defunded NASA to the point where Americans are happy to see anything go to space and come back. Rally round the Branson! With a pocket full of shekels. The age of government tyranny over space has come to an end. With Obama signing asteroid and moon mining rights over to whoever wants it, America sets a new standard of liberty across the world; a nod to Galileo, and a wink to Reagan; a neoliberal shot in the dark; with one eye on the heavens, and the other on a bank account, humanity dares to venture to trillion-dollar asteroids full of shiny stuff that is not quite as abundant on earth, and mine it for sweet, economy-collapsing profit.

Get in on the ground floor, and invest your paltry savings into a sure thing. Vertical rocketry is guaranteed to really get your dicks hard.

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This award-winning article is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

New Futurism, For A Better Tomorrow

Tags fear, progress

Hate

The Dark Path

The black-capped suspect disguised himself with sunglasses.

To borrow the shittiest, most overused image in literature for a moment, let’s pretend like what I do next is original.

Original thoughts come rarely, as rarely as life itself. Everywhere you look is a bright world of color and hatred. A beautiful, blissful carving at the base of a jutting cliff from the mountain of shit. But that isn’t original. The dark path goes past the scenic abuse of our masochistic temporal wastelands and traces a river of regret-soaked vomit poured from a half-liter of a blue-eyed, blonde bottle of vodka. There’s a downtown apartment overlooking the dark path right now. Inside, two sweaty shadows have sex in July, with the windows and doors open to the boulevard below.

How the sucking maw with black holes for eyes pulled its prey inward, so too does the entrance to the dark path. A whirlpool of originality, spewing unseen colors, unheard-of ranges of vibrations and sound, the dark path catches the eye. It inflames every sense, violent with color, promising poison.

Hatred and ignorance fuel the torch that illuminates the caverns of their being. To learn more about the other so as not to destroy, but consume, an orange glow pours in from the ancient streetlamps – just enough – just enough to see fear. They burn like pines in a flame in a nation of heat.

And they walk the dark path.

News

Dank new product from Lebal Drocer, Inc: lead-free water bottled at shrinking edge of Antarctic glaciers

Post author By Hatesec
Post date December 19, 2015
4 Comments on Dank new product from Lebal Drocer, Inc: lead-free water bottled at shrinking edge of Antarctic glaciers

Lead-free product!

Wage Jihad on Your Thirst
with #ICES Brand Melted Glacier Water

Lead-free product!

New lead-free, barrel-aged Antarctic glacier water from Lebal Drocer lets you drink CONTINENTS!

Lebal Drocer is proud to announce a neoliberal partnership with HAARP, Nestle and ~~corrupt~~resourceful Michigan governor Rick Snyder.

The shadowy global weather experimentation agency works with Lebal Drocer to create intentional patterns of global warming across key areas over Antarctica to produce the world’s purest water – straight from the #ICES of antarctica – by warming the regions directly over that bullshit continent no one was using anyway.

It is by this insidious, clever means Lebal Drocer is able to produce magical, clean water for the destitute and poisoned innocent victims of corporate ~~greed~~Progress! as well as state and local tyranny. Oh boy! Here’s the thrust!

Wage Jihad on Thirst
with #ISIS Brand Water, from Lebal Drocer Laboratories.

Use a Chillary Clinton Cool Coozie to keep your lead-free water from Lebal Drocer, Incorporated nice and chill, bros.

“Hot, hot hate alone will not warm the oceans,” warned Dr. Languish H. Brightsun, lead researcher for an independent, state-sponsored studdy by Governor Snyder. Brightsun spoke on condition of payment in their neighborhood of 24 cases of pure, clean bottled water. Brightsun said the results show global warming is good for people, and great for profits. “Having secured independent funding from Lebal Drocer, I now have a promising future in manipulating statistics for years to come, at any human cost.”

Brightsun said he and his team are creating premium waterparks, and profiting from the development.

“Tropical resorts for the 1% are appearing in every flooded area HAARP creates,” Troubadour said. “And we are proud to announce construction of an advanced, Roman-style aqueduct connecting Flint, Michigan back to the Detroit water supply. I mean, you know things are bad when an entire city is begging for Detroit water. Flint residents have unknowingly agreed to use the same pipes as the infamous aqueducts, which provide +40% food with each level of growth in one of Detroit’s most disadvantaged cities. Wow, that was a long quote!”

With help from Governor Snyder, Lebal Drocer is here to profit from that. #ICES Leadfree Water fills a growing need for pure water across all food deserts throughout Flint, Michigan.

Each bottle of pristine, glacier-sourced water will cost an affordable $4.50 cents per 20-ounce bottle. MANY THANKS TO OUR HELPERS AT CNN, MSNBC, FOX NEWS, AND NBC FOR PROMOTING #ISIS WORLDWIDE, FOR LEGITIMIZING THEIR PURPOSE AND PROMOTING REASONABLE DISCUSSION OF BOMBINGS ON THIS HOLIDAY OF PEACE, THE CHRISTMAS OF OUR LORD BABY JESUS. AMEN.

Buy this water, though.

Wage Jihad on thirst, with #ICES Premium Hatewater

Now 100% lead-free, shipped thousands of miles to quench your selfish, Western thirst.

Chronicle Hate Water is a Lebal Drocer Product. Any attempt to steal our intellectual properties will be matched by a production face-off in China, where we will double down on neoliberal aggression and enslave whoever it takes to make a cheaper product.

Microaggressions against Lebal Drocer are punishable by mutilation or death.

Drink lead water today – and melted Antarctica tomorrow! Pour that shit on your face and titties, you filthy animals! WE OWN YOU LIKE LIVESTOCK. You DIRTY ANIMALS!

Tags lebal drocer