Civil rights activist Jenny McCarthy is often credited as bringing vaccine opposition to the forefront of pointless shit for Americans to oppose.

Since actress and civil rights pioneer Jenny McCarthy exposed the truth about vaccines – specifically, that they are a way for the government to keep a grip on people by poisoning their minds with mercury – the question of whether to vaccinate our children has become a hot-button issue among celebrities and politicians alike.

To highlight the issue, the Internet Chronicle has compiled a star-studded A-list of 10 high-profile celebrities who, for various reasons, never vaccinate. Today’s story is a veritable “who’s who” of vaccine resistance. Can you guess which famous actor’s child died of measles?

Rand Paul

Senator Paul leads the fight against big government through his own personal resistance to vaccinations: From measles to typhoid, Paul hates it all. In an act of true American heroism, he even enlisted his own family in the fight against vaccines by refusing to vaccinate. Neither William, Robert, nor Duncan were ever vaccinated. Instead, Paul explained, they simply limit contact with wretched, diseased people. “I have heard of many tragic cases of walking, talking normal children who wound up with profound mental disorders after vaccines,” Paul said in an interview with NBC. Anti-vaccination started with Ron, the Paul family patriarch. “I would never let the federal government squirt that hate-juice into my boys,” Ron Paul once said.

Alex Jones (until recently)

Until sometime last week, Alex Jones refused to vaccinate his children, as well as any forced act of globalist aggression extending from the wicked devil in charge of the United States, President Barack Hussein Obama. Jones brags on his daily radio program about not having his children vaccinated. He said, “Yeah, they got measles – a few red dots – big deal.” Jones himself is now technically vaccinated after a fanatic attacked him on the street with a hypodermic needle. Family physicians confirmed Jones was vaccinated against a rare feline influenza known as ‘cat flu.’

Macaulay Culkin

The child star who took America by storm in his debut 1990 film Home Alone is rumored to abuse narcotics and other hard drugs – including heroin, cocaine and ecstasy – but out of everything which might be injected into the skin, vaccines aren’t one of them. Culkin, although he has no children of his own, is an outspoken anti-vaccine activist. Celebrity physician Dr. Angstromn H. Troubedauer confirmed Culkin has probably never been vaccinated, which at least partially explains the genius talent behind his mysterious pizza-centered art movement.

Edward R. Murrow

Perhaps the most legendary radio newsman to have ever lived, Edward R. Murrow took under his wing a dozen or more famous journalists – known as Murrow’s Boys – a group that included Larry LeSueur, Bill Downs and Walter Cronkite. Murrow was born during a time when vaccines were new and different, not long after the God manifested US destiny and a group of patriots delivered the savage native to Him early.

“Everyone was doing it,” Murrow said of vaccines. Murrow, who was born addicted to nicotine and smoked instead of breastfeeding, used his patented, husky radio voice to personally decline his own vaccination.

“I said, ‘Thanks, but no thanks, sugartits,’ and I told her if she’d leave me be now, that in 20 years I might fold her over a card table and give her the business right there on the spot,” Murrow said. “And that’s exactly what I did. During the Second World War, I was embedded with a group of marines who liberated a concentration camp in Dachau. The room stank of body odor and piss. You could tell the people were too weak to even go to a latrine and so there they lay in their own filth and squalor. And I came upon a woman, and she said, ‘I know you,’ and I said ‘I know you, too.’ I recognized her as the nurse who delivered me and tried to vaccinate me years later. So I said, ‘I believe I have a promise to keep,’ and I did her right there on the spot, in front of everybody.”

Bob Uecker

Bob Uecker, the 90-year-old legendary sports commentator, said he will “never fucking vaccinate” by “putting some bullshit in” his veins, though he respects other people’s choices to vaccinate, “the stupid cocksuckers that they are.”

Uecker, after granting a short interview to the chronicle.su, had this to say:

“No, I think it’s a fantastic, wonderful thing. It’s a real scientific achievement and we should be proud of ourselves, as a race.”

…for being a bunch of pussies, that is.

“If you’re going to run an operation as large as ours, then you’ve got to go big. You’ve got to go national. Mandatory vaccinations are great. They’re necessary.”

…and maybe bring back forced sterilization of the blacks while we’re at it.

“And that’s really what I think.”

…now if only there was a shot to cure faggotry, we could use it on you.

The Jackson 5

The humble and beloved Jackson 5 were never vaccinated, and all went on to have illustrious careers. For decades, fans adored each member of the Jackson 5, among them Michael Jackson, the King of Pop. Their manipulative, passive-aggressive, openly abusive father? You guessed it: Vaccinated. Notice a pattern?

This message brought to you proudly by the infallible and perfect Lebal Drocer, Inc.

Hate. Don’t vaccinate!

A Cuban defector shows off his illegal network setup. He was never seen again.

Havana — As the decadent West declares Internet access a ‘human right,’ our Cuban allies have not fallen prey to such hubris. Castro has stood ever firmly against Capitalist frivolities such as ‘connectivity’ and ‘liberalization,’ preserving the untamed power of the Internet for select members of government and tourist locales.

Some defective young Cubans, however, have “come up with their own solution” according to Western media sources. Since 2001, these rebels have created a homegrown terror network called SNet, short for streetnet.

Sources close to the SNet plutocracy say an estimated 9,000 computers are connected to a network of hidden, illegal Wi-Fi antennas and Ethernet cables, strung over rooftops and across city streets.

Because using Wi-Fi equipment without a license is illegal in Cuba, SNet is an illegal, unregulated capitalistic enterprise purchased and installed by a Western corporation to disrupt Cuban Communism, with the recognition of trade talks on the horizon.

SNet users play first-person-shooting games that simulate militarized attacks on Communism, such as Call of Duty.

Users are not allowed to share pornography across the network, and are banned for sharing “real Internet” links that would reveal the network to the outside world.