axisflip cryptofinancial

Categories
Status Quo

The Pinhole Camera

EARTH–Citizens of the world gathered at the edge of Midas Canal, watching as messages the size of planets were carefully threaded through the eye of a bent sewing needle.

Each word came out thin, bent, shiny, carrying the heat of a star pressed flat and ovular, and stamped with an insignia that many believe carries the weight of one billion promises.

Randy asks readers to “get out of there,” adding that the area was “too snaky.”

Entire galaxies are forced through a pinhole.

Authorities assured everyone that this was fine, but they’re cops and what do they know? The compression is normal, they said, that all big things must be reduced to bite-sized pills – no matter their true constitution – prior to extrusion through the device.

This destroys the sender

Somewhere below, divers reported from the ocean floor that the seabed had cracked under the pressure of entire dictionaries worth of unspoken, unnamed and undiscovered expressions. Their magnificent descriptions of iridescence are owed in large part to hypoxia. Sweet, beautiful hypoxia.

The shadowy archive, Randy said, lies at the bed of the Mariana, resembling the OceanGate submersible in the shape of everything that never fit through the pinhole.

“Also it’s just too damn snaky,” Randy went on to say.

Tourists leaned over the railing, staring at the gap, half-marveling, half-dumbfounded at the quiet power of absence: a canyon dug out not by water, but by the weight of every word without a definition, filled in by the pressure of the substrate itself.

Officials smiled, grinning, bossman style and held a press conference to say that nothing was lost, that every morsel that bubbles up to the daylight is enough to sustain and uphold the grand illusion the shattered wreckage pushed through it before; once whole, now a consequence of the hole. The rest of it remains below, thrumming in the dark, alive, and unacknowledged.

Ouroboros is circling, Randy says, get away.

“Too snaky.”

axisflip cryptofinancial

Categories
Sports

‘I made a huge mistake’ says CEO who snatched boy’s hat at US Open: ‘I should have taken his ball too’

Come in the other room, audience, come on. It’s serious time now. Quit fucking around in your bedroom and come out here and join the family. It’s time to fucking act like somebody.

INTERNET—The man who was caught on camera snatching a hat off a young boy at the US Open held a press conference to say he made a huge mistake after a weekend clip of the incident went viral.

Piotr Szczerek, a Polish chief executive of a consonant firm, said he was “convinced” tennis star Kamil Majchrzak had been “passing his hat in my direction.”

“That was intended for me,” the Polish guy said. “I know I did something that seemed like consciously collecting a memento from a child, but look at the shape of my skull. I order all my sandwiches from the hardware store.”

The video, taken during Majchrzak’s match on Thursday, shows the tennis player offering his cap to a child, before Szczerek appears to take it.

Versions of the clip were shared widely on social media, prompting criticism of the chief executive’s actions.

Refs and officials are rooting against Kamil Majchrzak so they will no longer have to stumble through his name like a dark hallway.

The 50-year-old manchild’s lawyer wrote him a statement, which he posted to social media Monday: “I would like to unequivocally apologise to the injured boy, his family, as well as all the fans and the player himself.”

Little does it matter, this story won’t stick because no one can remember or even pronounce the offender’s name.

“I’m already in so much trouble, in hindsight,” Szczerek said, “I should have taken the ball, too.”

The boy was approached by US Open officials after the incident in their bid to make things right. Unfortunately, at the last minute, a woman from Philadelphia dove in front of officials, snatching the swag bag and autographed tennis ball from the child, arguing that it was never intended for him and that consolation prizes are “fair game.”

INTERNET CHRONICLE SPORTS

…and that concludes our story, dear reader. What? You think you could do better? You think you can write satire? Right! You fucking little worm! You couldn’t execute absurdity if it was an Israeli hostage. Now go lay down.

axisflip cryptofinancial

Categories
Hate

The Eternal Future

NEW YORK—Shaking off the rust like a beached Gundam, we raise our weary eyes to the red sun. Sandblasted souls smoothed down and worn flat: not dulled, but effaced. What’s the difference? See the same things on the back of the eyelids as when we sleep standing up. Nuclear annihilation was already burned into the retinas before we could even learn our colors.

Burning the flag should be a crime where burning evidence is a requirement for freedom.

Letting a congressman borrow your 2003 Ford Mustang V-6 for a weekend can buy your firm the permanent policy conditions for millions of dollars in profit, for years to come. Throw in a thousand-dollar dinner for his idiot wife, implicating her in the crime and net yourself a small bonus to the tune of millions of voices extinguished at the press of a button.

I look at you from afar, so scientifically, analytically, as I’m taking you apart like an alien insect. I understand you better than I know myself. We know each other as well as two warring nations who haven’t met since the peace agreement, now cloaked in hypocrisy, carpet bombing the spirit, and precision striking suggestions in the dark. On the ether we ride white horses that dance across the synapse as lightning. Dumb neurons.

You got too close. You read my thoughts. Now into the punishment hole with you: where identity is erased and only memories remain, as they do their quiet work behind two hollow slits of a torturer’s hood. Observe eye contact if you really want to collapse a billion particle punctures into distinct wave patterns of anguish.

The future is awesome, because the past was even awesomer.