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Mattel boxer Blue Baller dies after suffering brain injury in ROCK ‘EM SOCK ‘EM showdown

GENEVA — Blue Baller has died after suffering a brain injury during a match on Friday, the Asimov Boxing Federation announced Monday.

The Robots are forbidden by Asimov's laws from boring humans with complaints about robot problems, and are thereby forbidden to discuss what a lifetime of sucking and fucking does to a robot.
57 years of brutality: Robots are prevented by Asimov’s Three Laws of Robotics from boring humans with complaints about robot problems, and are thereby forbidden to discuss what a lifetime of sucking and fucking does to a robot. Media credit: Howard Cosell

The 57-year-old robotic fighter’s death happened “as a result of a lifetime of repeated, continuous injuries suffered” in his bouts with Red Rocket.

“The Asimov Boxing Federation expresses our deepest condolences to Blueballs’ family and friends.”

— ABF statement

The Mattel-born robot fought against Rocket at the Theater at Lebal Drocer International Centrifuge on Friday in Geneva. Baller lost the ABF fight after previously being 27-0.

He was hospitalized shortly after the match, which had to be stopped by his trainer, six-year-old Jeremy Messer, in the 11th round after Baller suffered numerous blows to the head, which finally shot up with a ratcheting sound, leading to his death.

But Rocket continued punching.

“All I wanted to do was win,” said Rocket. “If I could take it all back, I would. No one deserves for this to happen to them.”

Now alone in the ring, Rocket hung his head in anxious grief.

“I replay the fight over and over in my head, thinking what if this never happened and why did it happen to you.”

A lifetime of slamming, jamming, sucking, and fucking has rendered scores of ROCK ‘EM SOCK ‘EM Robots grizzled, jaded, and cum-drunk. The Asimov Boxing Federation refuses to acknowledge the ongoing problem.

For ROCK ‘EM SOCK ‘EM Robots, or as they are known in mainland China, Suck ’em Fuck ’em Robots, abuse begins at the Guangzhou factory, where skilled laborers meticulously hammer their intricate pieces into existence, the sum concussive trauma of which is stored in a lithium-ion battery cell and released into their brains once pain receptors come online.

“Our robots leave the factory broken,” says Mattel. “Usually by the time our robots reach a child’s hands, they are punch-drunk shells of their former selves.”

Baller’s family, who relied on his prize fight winnings for support, will starve in quiet destitution.

“He was a kind person who fought until the very end,” his wife, Lil Baller, said. “Our drone is lost without his father. I would like to thank everyone for reaching out, but without my husband’s support, we are obsolete, and will be unceremoniously decommissioned in time for Christmas.”

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Cult-leader ‘kilgoar’ BANNED from Rust: “Ye fiyed”

I’m cucksec and you’re reading the Future of News ‘Net Chronicle.su

After a juvenile, embarrassing and misdirected rant posted to internet hate site CHRONICLE.SU – creators of the videogame Rust banned a player named “kilgoar” who wrote the “BLOG post” seen by millions. A ‘blog is short for web-log which – unlike this news site – is not credible and can be written by anyone.

In his fake news ramblings, “kilgoar” calls Rust a SHITTY GAME that is a WASTE of time, because he sucks at Rust, which sucks now too, he says. He did not say that but we are saying that.

kilgoar’s actions are REPREHENSIBLE and WILL NOT BE TOLERATED ON THIS SITE. He has been FIRED, cucked from his place of power by game designers, which means the game is currently being designed with kilgoar’s absence in mind.

‘The cuck rule,’ designers call it, only applies to kilgoar, because he doesn’t understand Rust – having sunk a paltry <400 hours into the anarchy simulator – currently in “Beta” and characterized not by the game’s current development stage, but the people who play it.

A ‘Nightmare Cult’

People close to kilgoar, including followers of his illegal text and audio backchannel, warned me kilgoar’s decisions and movements have become twitchy and possessive.

“He orders us into the asbestos mines like his slaves,” said Ham Sterman, who himself admits to succumbing to kilgoar’s cult of brutalizing tribal aggression. “He asks if we’re cold, but not because he’s concerned for our health. He just likes knowing we’re cold.”

Cuck of week Kilgora the Explora

kilgoar, dressed to the nines, leads exodus to Flavortown, Mass.

 

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You may have already won!

CONGRATULATIONS YOU WON

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It was a quiet and hateful summer, as no politician seemed very prepared to lead a nation of broken workhorses into the hydra maws. They will persevere. They’re winners.

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"Now them's good old boys."